Dear Miss Smartypants,

Last week my GF was helping me sort through some old boxes and she came across pics of me and one of my exes. Now some of the pictures were pretty graphic, and no one would ever want to see their BF or GF doing that stuff to someone else. I get why she got upset, but she started asking if I still had feelings for the girl and got all insecure and angry at me. I tried to explain to her that I thought I threw them out (which I honestly did. Why else would I let her anywhere near them??), and that they were taken BEFORE I even MET her. I get why she's upset, but she's still blaming me a week later – which I think is wrong. Yesterday, because I told her I didn't feel like grocery shopping at that moment, she asked me how I'd feel if I saw pictures of her with another guy. I had to bite my tongue from telling her to go ahead and take some if she really wanted to find out. How do I get her to get over it already?!

Signed,
She-won't-shut-up-about-it

Dear You should have said it,

Now that she’s found the pictures, and you’ve explained that you thought you had thrown them out, did you? Did you put them in the garbage right in front of her, so that she knows that whatever she saw is behind you? If not, you should really get on that. Otherwise, there’s not much you can do to make sure she gets over it. She’s probably partially jealous and partially worried, much like the Boy whose Girl had a “bath toy” last month, about what these photos mean. Sit her down and explain, clearly and in no uncertain terms, that those photos were taken a long time ago, that you are with her now, and that all of that is in the past. If she tries to throw it in your face again, remind her that you’ve talked about this, and it’s behind you. If it happens a third time, consider getting a new GF.

Already over it,

Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My ex and I have been broken up for two years now. We've both seen, casually, other people that didn't work out. We live in different cities, and we have only seen each other a few times a year since the breakup. Each time, though, it's like the breakup never happened. We hold hands when we walk together, our friends think we're secretly sleeping with each other (which isn't true), and I sink into depression when he leaves. We only talk on the phone every couple of weeks.... but each time it's like I have my best friend (and boyfriend) next to me, making the world brighter.

We cannot be together for several reasons, not the least of which is distance, but I have no idea how to get over him. Each time I'm with someone else I don't find myself missing him, but then that fizzles and he's the one I want to turn to. I know you're going to say to stop talking to him for a while, but... he's also one of my best friends and I don't think I can live without him. What should I do?

Desperately Missing Him

Dear That’s too bad,

I’m going to have to say it anyway: take a break from him. No visits, no phone calls, no chats, texts, or emails. Tell him that this break will occur for the next three months and stick with it. If “distance” isn’t the only reason you broke up, think about all the reasons that you did. Write them down. Write down all the things he used to do that bugged you and made you want to break up with him in the first place. Ask yourself if any of these things have changed about him, and write yes or no in a column next to the items on your list. If you have more yeses than nos, maybe you should rethink the break up. If it’s more nos, stick with your decision. It’s nice to have someone that makes you feel a certain way, but feelings alone can’t make a relationship work. And next time you do see him? Don’t hold his hand.
Ain’t missing you,

Miss Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I have been single for a while, and lately I'm hearing a lot of "when you're least expecting it, the perfect guy will come along". Besides the fact that it's annoying to hear and soooo clichéd, it also seems to imply that all I ever do with my time is go man-hunting. Usually, I can roll with being single, but I keep an eye out in case a decent guy comes along. In which case, I am never really "least expecting it". But is that so wrong? What are your thoughts on this “least expecting it” business?

SingleRightNow

Dear Sounds about right to me,

There is nothing wrong with keeping your eye out in case a decent guy comes along, and, quite frankly, there is something wrong with the idea that you should be “least expecting” to meet a decent guy eventually. Just keep doing what you’re doing – involving yourself in activities that interest you, getting out there and meeting new people, letting your friends know that you are available if they know of anyone suitable – and ignore the rest. Perfect partners only appear magically out of nowhere, after you’ve sworn off looking for someone, in the movies. Stay open, see what happens, and don’t be afraid to make the first move.

Coming along any day now,

Smartypants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I'd really like to get my partner to dress up in the bedroom, but am too embarrassed to bring it up. How should I go about it?

SK

Dear TSK,

It’s too bad you’re too embarrassed to bring it up because short of bringing home porn with the exact outfit you’d like your partner to wear/the outfit itself, showing it to him/her, and waggling your eyebrows suggestively, I don’t know how else you are going to get your interests across without using your voice. As such, here are some guidelines for bringing up the fetish with the partner:

1. Choose your moment carefully. You want to introduce the subject at a time when your partner is most likely to be receptive to the idea. To be honest, because dressing up is so banal, I can’t imagine there is a time when any partner wouldn’t be receptive, but, if you are going to suggest something a little more hardcore, consider the when and where. You could slip the suggestion in with your usual before/during dirty talk and in the afterglow ask, “So are you into that?” Or you could wait until your partner walks in the door to announce, “Guess what, honey? I want you to dress up like a French maid/naughty schoolgirl/Santa!” Whatever time you think is best.
2. Reassure your partner. Make sure that your partner understands that this isn’t something you want to do all the time, nor will it replace the sex you currently have. You are only asking your partner to give this a try.
3. Wait. Don’t demand an answer, particularly a positive one, right away. Answer any questions, and give your partner time to think.
4. Bring it up again. Just because you’ve put it out there doesn’t mean that you should let it drop. Now that your partner has had time to think (maybe a week or so?), ask him/her again if they are willing to give it a try. Go over the parameters again (this would be a supplement not a replacement, your partner can help set the terms, etc.) and make sure there are no lingering questions. If you partner still wants time to think, give it to him/her. But not too long.
5. Offer a trade. This one is last ditch, so use it only in case of emergency. Think of something you partner has suggested in the past that you ignored or vetoed, and offer to do that (or a variation on it) in exchange for the fulfillment of your fantasy. If you can’t think of anything, ask.
   

All in all, this plan hinges on your ability to tell your partner what interests you. No matter how embarrassed you might be, it’s worse to wonder, long, and grow to resent.

You can do it,

Miss Smartypants

Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . She may even get back to you.

I share an apartment with two friends, a guy and girl, that have been a couple for about as long as I've known them. The trouble started, the other day, when I found a dildo drying in the dish rack. At first, I honestly didn't realize what it was. It didn't look like any vibrator I've seen before. It was blue, and kind of looked like an elongated dolphin, so I thought it was some sort of bath toy. Anyways, when I picked it up I accidentally switched it on. It lit up and started shaking, which caught me off guard, so I dropped it. The bottom part shattered when it hit the floor, plus the noise brought my two roommates running into the kitchen. Now, I don't care what people do in the bedroom, to each their own, you know, but the boyfriend got all offended (I guess she never told him about her little blue friend). They began to argue, and, not wanting to get involved, I left. When I came back, the guy refused to talk to me (despite me telling him that I didn't care, and for him to get over it). The girl's a bit embarrassed, but is mostly fine (I've known her longer). Is there anything else I can do to make my guy friend get over it?

Flippered

Dear Flip,

Guy’s worried about two things: 1) what this means, and 2) what you think this means. Assuming it’s true that he didn’t know about "her little blue friend," he’s not only worried that this means that he is in some way sexually inadequate, but also that you know that Girl finds Guy sexually dissatisfying. Now, you and I know that masturbation happens, and that most times, it’s not worth getting upset about. So what can you do for Guy? Act like it never happened and never bring it up again. Telling him to get over it isn’t going to make him get over it, so the best thing you can do is show him that you are over it. So over it that it never happened in the first place. Feel free to tell Girl that while you appreciate her commitment to hygiene, maybe leaving her sex toy in the public dish rack, while everyone was home, wasn’t the brightest idea she’s ever had. Girl was looking to start something. Also, "thought it was a bath toy"? Nice try, buddy.

Smarts

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I just got a job possibility at a company where a friend of mine works, but in a different section. I'm thinking about asking him to put in a good word for me, but I'm also worried that it might be a conflict of interest thing. Thoughts?

Awkwardness

Dear Awk,

Start by asking your friend if he knows anyone in the section with the opportunity. For all you know, he could be like, "I don't even know what that is." On the other hand, if he knows, given that he is a friend, he may guess that that is what you are after and offer to put in a good word for you. It's not so much a conflict of interest as it is an awkward. If he's in that section or knows someone who is, I say go for it.

Good luck,

Pants

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My friend just pointed out a rust spot on the back of my shirt. It’s ruined, right?

Stained

Dear Have No Fear,

While laundry is my most hated chore, I actually know the answer to this one. I hope your shirt’s white, though, as this trick works best on white clothing. Soak the rust spot with lemon juice, cover the juice with a nice heaping of table salt, and leave the item lying out in the sun for several hours. When the salt and lemon juice are dry, flake the salt off. Presto - stain removed! If the stain has only lessened, repeat the process until it’s gone. When it is, wash the spot and then put your shirt in the laundry. Check out the machine first, though, to be sure it wasn’t what put the offending spot there in the first place.

Smartypants

Smarts,

[In a recent article] some guy you quoted said 'home in' ... isn't it hone in?

Fan

Dear You’re Sweet,

As for 'hone in' vs. 'home in,' I respectfully disagree. To home in is to focus in on a target. To hone is to sharpen. Mind you, hone in has, since at least 1965, been around as an alternative to home in, so I suppose at this point you could use either and be correct, but more often than not people mean to close in on a specific point rather than get ready for some cutthroat activities, so I’d go with "home" over "hone."

Smarts

Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it . She may even get back to you.

Miss Smartypants by Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I have a horrible roommate. We've been good friends for years now but since moving in together last August my place has become a disaster zone. He only works part-time and never cleans. He's told his parents that he's in school part-time, but he spends all his free time playing his Xbox 360. He hasn't paid his rent on time in months. All his free cash goes to videogames, beer, and pizza (the boxes are stacked against the couch). Last month his mom called up to apologize for him and paid his rent for him.

Despite all this he really is a cool guy. He lets me play video games whenever, keeps the music down while I'm studying, and is always up for going out. But the place is has become a sty, I can't bring girls back here. Finally I told him I had it the other day when he came home with a cat despite the fact that I'm allergic. The cat's gone now but I'm debating whether or not he should go, too. I don't want to wreck a good friendship but can't see myself going on like this. I'm sure it's affecting my marks.

What do I do?

At odds with roommate

Dear Sack Up,

Living with friends is rough. Even if you did manage to sit him down and establish some house rules, the way he’s been living thus far would suggest that you’re not going to have the easiest time getting him to stick to plan. You say you moved in together last August, which means your standard one-year lease will be up in the next month or so. Sit your friend down and tell that while he’s a cool guy, you don’t want to resign the lease with him. When he asks why (and he probably will), explain exactly what you told me: that while you appreciate the fact that he’s good at keeping the music down when you are studying, the place is a sty, and he’s often late on rent. He might get pissed, he might throw out a bunch of habits you have that annoy him to hurt you, or he might reveal that he doesn’t want to keep living with you either. Then again, he might promise to straighten up and fly right. If he does, and you want to take the risk of believing him, make sure that you set up specific standards that you want him to follow (such as placing the pizza boxes in the garbage when they are empty). If you end up going your separate ways, housing-wise, make sure you ask about future roommates’ housekeeping habits to ensure that they are consistent with your own or, if you can afford it, consider living on your own. Chances are that if you are straight forward and avoid a big confrontation, he’ll still let you play Halo 3.

Good luck,

Dear Miss Smartypants,

I've been seeing this new girl for about 4 weeks now. I really like her, but something's happened and she refuses to return my calls. It started last weekend when my parents called telling me that my old dog, Mr. Snufflefoot, had passed away. My family got him when I was 2, and I honestly can't remember a time without him. He was always around, sleeping next to the couch, chasing birds, or following me each day as I walked to school. Naturally I was very distraught and it's been on my mind a lot. When I called up my gf and told her about it, she could tell I was pretty broken up about it and came over right away. She was really sweet and supportive, and one thing kinda led to another. But as we neared the end of "the act", instead of calling out her name I called out my old dog's. To make matters much, much worse I started crying uncontrollably. To say that she was stunned was an understatement and I certainly can't blame her.

Once I stopped sobbing, she turned to me and simply said she had to go. Before I could try to explain things she had put on her clothes and rushed out the door. I'm sure she thinks I'm a freak now. It's been almost a week and she won't return any of my calls.

The odd thing is that I do feel a lot better about Snuffs now. Nothing like this has happened since my first time with a girl (which I'm sure a lot more people can relate to than you'd think). I'm sure I've gotten over my loss, but how do I prove to her that this won't happen again?

Dear Dog,

Wait, did you just say "Snuffs" or actually "Mister Snufflefoot"? I guess it doesn’t really matter. The only way to prove to her that this isn’t going to happen again is to, you know, not have it happen again. Since she came over and saw you all broken up, it’s not like she doesn’t know what happened or like you can play it off as something else. Try to arrange a face to face meeting to talk about it what happened. Explain that you were in a very emotional place, and reassure her that it was a once in a lifetime fluke (i.e. don’t mention that it happened to you your first time). If she won’t meet with you, send her a note with your explanation. If she doesn’t respond, you are going to have to accept that your relationship has reached its logical conclusion.

Better luck next time,

Got problems? Sure you do. Send to them to Miss Smartypants at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

© 2008 Miss Smartypants; licensee (Cult)ure Magazine.
This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0), which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.

Miss Smartypants by Nina Charest

I think I've been adopted. My family is completely insane. I don't fit in, I share none of the same interests, and I look like the blue hyacinth in a sea of yellow tulips (if you get my drift). Do I approach my parents and question them about my concerns? Do I secretly steal a lock of their hair and have a DNA test done? Or do I say nothing and spare their feelings, despite my need to know? I don't want to be a bad daughter or a bad person, but I feel completely alone.

Yours truly,

Blue Hyacinth

To be honest, I don’t get your drift. You’ve got a mass of curls; your parents have pin straight hair? You have brown eyes; they’ve both got a pair of baby blues? Both of the things I just listed are genetic impossibilities because brown eyes and curly hair rely on dominant genes that couldn’t have been passed on by straight haired, blue eyed folk. You can find these and a whole host of other characteristics here. First off, take a good look at the list, and see what you and your parents have in common. Remember that if they have dominant characteristics and you have recessive ones, they could both be carriers of recessive genes. My sister, who is definitely my blood sister, has straight hair while the rest of us have curls. Both my parents must, therefore, carry recessive genes. There’s a 25% chance it could have been any of us.

As for the rest of it, just because you don’t have the same interests or act the same way doesn’t mean you didn’t come from the same gene pool. My dad’s a truck driver, and I have a reputation in my family as one of its worst drivers. We also have the same blood type. I know I’m his daughter, even if we aren’t carbon copies. If you look at the list and discover more reasons to be suspicious instead of less, go to an older family member (grandmother or aunt, perhaps) or family friend that you know you can trust, and ask them if there’s any reason to think that you might not be your parents’ biological child. If they deny it, I say let it drop. If you do pursue it and it turns out that you are adopted, remember this: you have had two sets of parents who loved you; one who loved you enough to give you up when they couldn’t give you the care they knew you deserved, and another who loved you enough to take you in. That’s more love, and luck, than the rest of us get.

Take care,

Smarts

I have this friend. He lives several hours away (he's in Toronto; I'm in Ottawa). We share deep fears, intimate desires, secret dreams, hardships and laughter. I love him very much as a friend (although if he were single I’d jump his bones in a heartbeat!).

The problem is... he has a girlfriend. I know he's skipped out on her early to come home and talk to me several times. We spend more time together than they do. I love being special in his life, but I’m torn between feeling pleased that he's spending all his time with me and feeling guilty about him not spending more time with his girlfriend. He says things that indicates that there might be trouble in paradise, and I don't know how to take that, either. Am I just a good friend or is he trying to make me a "filler girlfriend"?

WHAT DO I DO??

Teen Ottawa Ranting Neurotically

First off, don’t waste your time feeling guilty about the decisions other people make. He wants to avoid his gf? That’s on him. That said, this guy is using you. Yeah, maybe he just sees you as a friend and a shoulder to cry on, but I guarantee that the six-hour drive between you is one of the reasons he’s turning to you instead of another friend closer by.

You need to start cutting him loose. He ditches his girl to come home and chat with you? Tell him you’re not impressed and sign out. He starts talking about how there’s trouble in paradise, indicating that he thinks you’re the better option? Call him on it or cut if off. Either way you’ve got to get out from under this guy’s thumb.

You are special in this guy’s life: you’re his crutch. You allow him to fantasize about another, better option without having to man up and deal with the problems in his relationship, or end it and find another one. The longer you put up with it, the more likely it is to pull you both down.

Smartypants

I wanted to write to you about my serious case of writer's block, but I got stuck.

Please help,

Wordless Worm

It’s too bad that you don’t say what you are working on, so that I could tailor my advice. Let’s get generic, shall we?

1. Walk away. Did you just tell me to procrastinate? You bet. Chaining yourself to the keyboard hasn’t gotten whatever it is written, has it? So walk away. And I mean that literally. Get up and walk right out the door. Go for a walk, a meal or a movie. Do something that will get you to stop thinking about it. The trick is, don’t let the distraction drag on. Once the credits roll, get your butt back to your place.

2. Talk it out. Find someone who knows about your topic or, barring that, someone who’s at least curious. Talk out what you need to write about with that person: your topic, your tenets, how long it needs to be, etc. Just getting the conversation going should be enough to get your thoughts going as well.

3. Chart it out. I’ve never been a big believer in outlines, but they’ve come in handy when I want to make sure I don’t leave anything out. Now that you’ve talked about your points, keep track of them. Point form list or flow chart? Go with whatever works for you and what you are writing.

4. Find your system. Create a system of benchmarks and rewards to keep yourself going. When I was in high school, Saturdays were essay writing days. I would get up, take the dog for a walk, and come home to get to work. I wasn’t allowed to shower until I had completed my first draft. Believe me, it’s a motivator. You can choose your own, though. Did you finish X number of pages (X is always greater than one)? Watch half an hour of TV, check your email, or have a snack. Completed your first draft? Get out of there. Go out with friends, or for another walk.

5. Edit. I realize that this may not seem important to you when you haven’t written a word, but it’s important to anyone who will read what you’ve got. Always take time to go back over your work. If you had to force yourself to get through it the first time, it may not be your best work, and you want to make sure you get your point across. Besides, now that you’ve made it through, editing should be a breeze!

Good luck,

Pants

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© 2008 Miss Smatypants; licensee (Cult)ure Magazine.
This is an Open Access article distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution License (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0), which permits unrestricted use, distribution, and reproduction in any medium, provided the original work is properly cited.