Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

What's the difference between "obligate" and "oblige"? I've always used the former, but I'm hearing the latter more and more these days. At first I thought it was a usage difference, but that no longer strikes me as the answer. Is there a difference?

I Oblige You to Answer Me

Dear And Now I Feel Obligated,

At first I turned to our old friends Strunk and White for the skinny, but they've got no insights this month. It's not a difference between our old friends transitive and intransitive verbs (they're both transitive), though I can tell you that obligate comes from the past participle of obligare, which is the Latin root of oblige and obligate. In terms of dictionary definition alone, obligate carries more of a legal sense to it than oblige, which is more of a moral/kindness/etiquette issue.

Looks like there are two schools of thought on this one. One says that "obligate" is American (North American?), and "oblige" is British (international?). The other says that "obligate" is a stronger form of "oblige." Obligations have heavier consequences than those situations in which you are merely obliged. This second idea lines up with my own usage of obligate (I don't think I've ever used "oblige" unless I am pretending to be in an old Western). The most common construction in which I use the word is, "You're not obligated," by which I mean, "You're not forced to" or "No one's going to make you."

Since there's little evidence to support the former, let's stick to the latter school of thought. If the constraint is external, use obligate. If the constraint is internal (comes from your own mind), use oblige. And if you are writing a legally binding contract, get a dictionary of legal usage for pity's sake.

Much Obliged,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

What is cheating? Whenever I read advice columns or sex columns about open relationships, I think, "But that's cheating." But whenever I watch tv shows where one person kisses another person and the partner flips out, I think, "Whoa, it's just a kiss." I feel like I need a dictionary definition to reconcile these ideas. Can you give me a ruling?

Kissing Isn't Cheating, But Sex Is?

Dear You're On the Right Track,

Bad news: I've got no dictionary definition for ya. If both people want to be in an open relationship and are comfortable pursuing one, then it's not cheating. Of course, those people may want to draw up some specific rules about their openness, and, yes, someone may end up with hurt feelings. But that's between them. If they don't think it's cheating, it's not.

Sounds like you don't think kissing is cheating. Then guess what? It's not. At least not for you. I don't know if you have a partner or if your partner shares your opinion, but you should share this opinion with you partner if you are in a serious relationship and particularly if you are going around kissing other people like it's okay. See, that's the thing about cheating. Cheating's whatever you both agree it is. So if kissing's okay, every day's New Year's Eve, but, if it's not, then you should defer to the lesser portion, and keep your lips to yourself if you want to keep your partner.

Basically, if you want permission to do anything physical outside of your relationship, talk it over with your partner. Get consensus on what you can both live with (bearing in mind that you might have to start with nothing and go from there). Anything above and beyond is cheating. For some, that's sleeping with the same person twice; for others, a gaze held for a beat too long is too much.

Faithfully,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

I recently got a fantastic new job, but this involved moving to a new city where I didn't know anyone. While I work with great people, they all seem to be older than me, married, have young children. They're just in a different place in their life, which makes it hard to make friends at work. Now that I'm out of school and in the working world, I'm finding it really hard to make friends. What should I do?

Lonely in Toronto

Dear Lonely,

Step 1: rent I Love You, Man. It's about exactly what you're going through: making friends when you're beyond school age. So start there and see what lessons you can pick up.

Step 2: What do you like to do? All you mention in your email is your job. What do you do with yourself on the weekends? On weeknights? Surely you have hobbies and interests. Pursue them. Pursue them with people. Like to cook? Take a cooking class. I know it's obvious, but there it is. Learn photography or first aid or calligraphy. Join a gym. Join a church. Once you get there, take a deep breath, and . . . talk to someone. It's going to feel weird and awkward, yes, but you're going to do it anyway. You can't just sit around and hope someone takes notice of you. Of course, I was once in a recruitment meeting, and one of the girls offered that she didn't know anyone in town, and the girl next to her said, "Aw, really? I'll be your friend!" And then they left together to go be friends. True story.

So, you can hope that that unlikely occurrence will happen to you, or you can do something about it. There's really no in-between.

Sociably,

Miss Smartypants

Got problems, friend-related or otherwise? Send 'em to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Her column appears the third Monday of every month.

Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My fiancé and I are busy planning our wedding, and we've run into that age-old: how to tell people we don't want gifts. Everything I've read says it would be rude to put "no gifts" in the card, but seriously no gifts. We live together. We have everything. The village doesn't need to outfit our house. So what do I do? A cheesy "your presence is gift enough"? How will I let people know at my wedding not to bring gifts?!?!

Because I can't just see using a nut pick

Dear Don't Dis the Pick,

First off, let me just say a big THANK YOU for recognizing that you don't need things and thus not asking for them. There's nothing wrong with gift registries, per se, but it's nice to see that two people who don't need 300 count sheets are registering for them just 'cause they can.

That said, here's the first thing you do: tell everyone you know that you don't want gifts. Start with your parents, wedding party, and anyone else involved in the wedding. These are the people who your guests will turn to to find out where you are registered, so they are your first line of defence against unwanted gifts. You can give them all the cheesy "you presence is gift enough" lines to keep by the phone. Consider designating a charity or two that is close your heart(s), so, if people really push, your moms can say that a small donation in your name will be greatly appreciated.

Two: Really consider putting a cheesy line on your invitation somewhere. Okay, let's back this up. It's considered rude to put anything about gifts in the invitation because it's rude to expect a gift. No one deserves presents. That's why we call them gifts. (Cheddar, anyone?) But, customarily, people bring gifts to weddings -- often lavish ones. Better to head them off at the pass than became the proud owner of three beautiful, expensive, unnecessary espresso machines.

Three: Buy some thank you cards. You're going to end up with some gifts no matter what you do, so accept that now. Show some gratitude.

Graciously,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

Turns out my co-workers give each other gifts for Christmas. So far all I've received is a few candles and cards, so it's nothing too expensive, but I don't know what to get them. I was thinking about baking something nice and giving each person a few of whatever it is in little tin. Do you have any other ideas?

Socially Obligating Giving is Confusing

Dear Ob,

First, let's get this out of the way: just because someone gives you a gift doesn't mean you are obligated to give one back. By all means do so because you want to, but don't let this idea of "social obligation" hang over you for the rest of your working days. The only thing you are obligated to do is say thank you or send a thank you note if you don't receive the gift in person. On to the gift: keeping it small and simple is exactly the right tack. Something homemade (sucre à la crème?) is sure to be appreciated, but, if you want to buy, stay along the same things. Wine charms, candles, small boxes of chocolate, gift cards to whatever coffeehouse or eatery your co-workers frequent will be appreciated. You can always keep a small stash of these in your desk drawer so that the next time someone drops by with another candle, you can say, "Oh, I have something for you, too!" and mean it.

KISS,

Miss Smartypants

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