Art: Nina Charest

Here's what I need help with: how do I set a Christmas budget? What's appropriate? Some background: in the last few years, my brother and sister have each gotten married and are now part of blended families. They have gone on to have children of their own. As such, I've gone from buying a handful of Christmas gifts to well over a dozen. I've got a steady job and make a decent wage, but nothing to have a splashy affair. Do you have any Christmas budget guidelines?

Cash Strapped Christmas

Dear Cash,

My first tip won't do you much good now, but it will serve you well for years to come: buy Christmas gifts year round. If you see something and think, "Oh, so-and-so would really love that!", don't hesitate to pick it up if you can afford it. Keep a gift list handy, so those presents don't end up buried in some closet for years.

Tip 2: Yes, set a budget and stick to it. You can do this one of two ways: 1) set the maximum amount you can comfortably spend and divide it equally or 2) decide how much you want to spend per person and multiply it. It will probably be easier to go with option number 1. Sometimes when you multiply as in 2, you find you end up with a number much higher than you would have if you had gone with one. Next year, if you find you do want to splash out more or wish money didn't get so tight at this time of the year, set up a savings account to automatically withdraw a pre-determined amount each pay period. When the time comes, the money will be there. As for what's appropriate, look at your financials. If you can only afford $20/person, then spend the best $20/person that you can. If you think Christmas is about how much you spend, you're doing it wrong.

Tip 3: Put the credit card down. Back away from the card. The worst thing you can do is bring your credit card with you when you shop. It's very easy to go over budget when you've got credit to your name and very difficult when you've only got so many dollars in your account. If your budget can't afford it, it's the wrong gift.

Tip 4: Solicit suggestions and don't be afraid to give your budget when you do so. If your relatives haven't also noticed that money is tight during the holidays, those must be some pretty rich relatives. Chances are that they can relate to a budget. So when you ask your sister or brother what to get their kids, tell them you're aiming to spend X amount per gift. If they can't think of anything in that range, ask about something all the kids could enjoy if you pooled the money together. One year, my nephews got a Wii from some relatives and games for it from others. There may be something like that that you can participate in if you only ask.

Tip 5: Make it. Making gifts isn't necessarily cheaper, so do the math before you follow through on this one. If you are going to make something, make it useful like mason jars of dry soup or brownie mix. Heck, if you came at me with a nice jar of pickled beets or spiced lemons, I'd be grateful. Save yourself a few bob by scouring your grandmother's cellar or nearby second hand shop for empty jars and sterilize them along with some new seals. If you're good at sewing, run up some oven mitts. If you knit, make some scarves. There's absolutely no shame in giving someone something you crafted with your own two hands.

Ultimately, everyone understands having a Christmas budget. Only the very, very rich or fools don't have one. And you know what they say about fools and their money.

Economically,

Miss Smartypants

Miss Smartypants appears on the third Monday of every month. Send your questions to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Art: Nina Charest

In my side business, I do event decorating. Recently, I thought a mosaic table top would be a nice addition to my stock for signing wedding registries, holding gifts, lighting unity candles, etc. When I told my family about this, my eldest expressed an interested in doing the mosaic for me. She's normally not that into my work, so I was pretty excited. The problem is my husband. He's worried about the expense, and what will happen if she makes a table that I have to remake. Even though it's my business, I don't think a table's worth falling out over. Though I do think we should encourage her artistic pursuits. Who's right, my husband or me?

The Matter Has Been Tabled

Dear Table,

I agree with you: this is a great time to let your daughter explore her interests and find out where her passion can take her. This is also a great time to learn what it's like to work with a client. You could go one of two ways: have her sketch out a design and keep working on it until you both agree or have her create a design that you draw. When you purchase the glass, go to the store together and discuss colours and quantities. Before you mix up the grout, have her lay out the tiles (as best she can, some may need to be cut), so that you can both see what the final product will look like.

There's no reason why you can't encourage her and cut down the expense. Tell your husband you've got it well in hand. And, hey, if it turns out and she likes working with/for you, think of all the cheap labour!

Best laid plans,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

"Erika" and I have been best friends since I was 15. When she was 20, she got pregnant and had a shotgun wedding. She's still married to the guy, and now they have three children. Erika also has a very hectic professional life. They've moved many times, and for years I'd visit on a regular basis. Over time, I began to hate going to her house more and more because her kids are bratty and obnoxious, as is the husband. And the one person that I actually want to speak to (Erika) is too busy breast-feeding or talking to clients on her phone to pay any attention to me. Half the time I end up sitting in the driveway, waiting for her to come home. So I quit making the trips entirely.

Recently we got in a huge argument. She told me I was weird, secretly hated her, that I don't want to know her children, and that she's done with me. At first, I thought our split might be for the best. But I love and miss her. I sent her a copy of Beaches to try and make her realize that friendships change over time. I also sent a letter saying that I'm willing to put in more effort but that changes need to happen on her end, too. She needs to pick up the phone when I call, and give me at least a little of her time without her family around. Every time we try to make plans, she has 900 things she's juggling. If I enjoyed having kids around, I'd have some myself. Why can't she understand that I want to be her friend and NOT "Auntie Jeanie"?

Erika hasn't written back. Should I make another gesture or accept that all there is nothing left to this friendship but memories?

Sincerely,

Never Signed On To Be Friends With Her Family

Dear Family,

A reader sent this question along to me. It originally appeared in August 10^th edition of "Friend or Foe," Slate's bi-weekly Double X friendship advice column. Our mutual reader found Lucinda Rosenfeld's advice, particularly the suggestion that the writer is secretly in love with her friend, "appalling." What's my take? For the most part, I agree.

When a friend, above all a long term friend, gets married or has kids, those new relationships become part of yours. As bratty or obnoxious as those additional parties may be, they're now part and parcel with your friend. If you find them so impossible to tolerate that you would rather sit in your car in the driveway than go inside, then you need to accept that your friend's life has become too bratty and obnoxious for you.

Unless you are just sitting there in front of an empty house, possibly after travelling a significant distance to visit her, in which case, why do you want to be friends with someone who doesn't respect your time? 'Cause that's really, really rude. I wouldn't stand for that twice, never mind "half the time."

While Lucinda's suggestion of popping in a DVD for the kids and opening a bottle of wine with mom is a good one and while there are plenty of parents that enjoy having one evening per month (or whatever time frame) with other adults to talk about things that aren't parenting-related, Erika has proven herself not to be one of those. For years now you've felt that she doesn't have time for you. How many more years will it take before you accept that fact?

On time,

Miss Smartypants

P.S. That thing about you being secretly in love with her is really off-side, though.

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Art: Nina Charest

I have a friend who is deeply in love with herself. I've been friends with her for around 4 years now and when we first met I was drawn to her because of her vibrant and enthusiastic personality. She's kind, cultured and smart. Everything you could want in an ultimate friend. The thing is over the past year she broke up with her on and off again boyfriend and she's been emotionally unstable every since. To be frank....She's CRAZY... and she's been driving me crazy. I can't spend more than 15 mins on the phone with her because she'll end up ranting about her boyfriend (who I didn't really like very much in the first place). Honestly, the guy was lazy, cheated on her and mooched off of her for 3 years. So you can see why I find it hard to hear her defend him. Deep down I really think it was good that she left her. But she's convinced that he's the one.

Aside from being bitter about her last relationship, it's only been lately that I've noticed that she's also been super competitive ... bragging about her new job promotion and pointing out how much better her life is then mine. I'm not one to compete when it comes to friends -- so I sarcastically tell her that she's right. She's won at the game of life and I'm a total failure. It's just extra negative drama that I don't like to be around.

Oh she's also late for every dinner or social outing we have. One time I sat in a restaurant for an hour and a half and by the time she showed up I had already ordered and eaten my salad and was working on my main meal. I was super pissed and when pushed to see what happened she used a weak ass excuse about how the bus came late. Not to mention the other times she's showed up late without any excuse.

I'm typically patient but this chick is stretching my patience. I tried to be a good friend, by being a good sounding board. But I cringe every time I hear her bullshit excuses for why her ex was the one for her. One time, I tried to tell her the truth about how I can't handle her being late any more for our dates and she didn't even apologize and shrugged it off. She just continued making lame excuses. WTF???!!!

At this point I'm annoyed and frustrated! Like every relationship there are deal breakers- but if she's crazy, is late for absolutely everything, and  treats everything I tell her as a competitive motion don't you think I should call it quits? Would the three strikes rule apply in this case? How many chances should you give a friend?

Personally I want to dump her as a friend...but my husband says I'm taking it way too personal.  It's been two months now and I've neglected to write her or call her. She hasn't contacted me either. Should I consider this relationship over at this point? What do I do if I awkwardly run into her on the street? Do I pick up where we left things last or do I literally disappear off the face of the earth???

Signed,

KT

Dear Quits,

Back in high school, I called a friend and left her a message. Two weeks later, I realized that she hadn't called me back. Then I realized that it took me so long to notice because I didn't care. Our friendship had run its course, so no returned call was good enough for me to consider it over.

In your case, however, it's been two months, and you're still wondering because you do care. You might only care your husband says you are taking things too personally (how else do you take a friendship?), but I'd guess that you are still burning up because you feel wronged. You were wronged. It's wrong to treat someone the way your friend has treated you. It's wrong to leave people waiting, it's wrong not to apologize when that happens, it's wrong to focus every conversation on yourself, and it's wrong to treat friendships like Olympic events. Overall, your friend has been selfish and immune to your lacklustre attempts to correct her.

Here's the thing - and I want to make this clear before we go on - you are never going to get a satisfactory explanation or apology out of your so-called friend. She's never going to admit she was wrong, and she isn't going to change. So now that you've let her go, let it go.

As for what to do if/when you run into her in the street or she eventually contacts you (and she might, given how flaky she sounds), be non-committal. "Great to see you can't stop bye!" "Lovely to hear from you again crazy busy life bye!" Never say "see you," or "we should get drinks," or anything of the sort that could lead to actual plans.

Never mind the crazy or the ex-boyfriend or the one-upmanship. Ninety minutes late without a phone call or text? So not worth it.

On time,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

You know that saying, "If she does it for you, she'll do it to you"? Is that true? A few weeks ago I slept with a friend of a friend who I know has a boyfriend. We ran into each other out one night and got to talking and one thing lead to another. She was all complaints about her boyfriend, what a douche he is. I'm sure she's not happy with him. We had fun, but after she just took off. I could, if I wanted to, get in touch with her again. Should I?

I Can't Stop Thinking About Her

Dear Stop,

Regardless of how she portrayed her man to you, she has no intention of leaving him for you. The rule cited above doesn't even apply here. She didn't do it "for you." She did it for her. It could have been for any number of reasons: it's her way of getting back at him for his douche behaviour;he's into cuckolding; they have an open relationship, and she finds the sympathy card fun to play. Heck, maybe she just told you that so you wouldn't try to find her again. Unless "douche" in your parlance means "abuser," try to avoid kicking open that hornet's nest. You'll get her out of your system eventually.

Walking away,

Miss Smartypants

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