Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

The other day at the grocery store, I passed the six pack of glass Coke bottles and thought, "Who would buy those?" The guy behind me, as it turns out. He picked up the pack, noting that he had always liked those little bottles. His shopping companion started razzing him for being so ridiculous, which was apparently so shocking that the guy dropped the pack. One of the bottles shattered. The guys looked at each other, looked at me, and put the rest of the case, now soaked through with the spilled pop, back on the shelf and scurried away. I saw them later at the checkout, and it was clear that they never said anything to anyone about the broken glass. What's the right thing to do in that situation? As a witness? As the breaker?

Bottle Drop

Dear Drop,

As a witness: tell someone in the store. It's summer and kids go with their parents to the grocery store. That's a recipe for disaster.

As the breaker: tell someone, offer to pay to replace the broken merchandise/what's left.

Truth be told, I would tell someone either way, but I can't say for sure I would admit to it if I were the breaker (a handy neutral phrase: "There is a broken bottle in aisle four"). I once had a cab driver take off after bringing me home from the grocery store with a pile of my groceries left on the curb because he shattered a litre bottle of extra virgin olive oil on the road. Would I have asked him to replace it? I doubt it. But I would have expected him to help my get my groceries to the damn porch at that point. So, no matter what, makes sure you tell someone to get that glass up out of the aisle. As for how scrupulous you feel beyond that, depends on the day, doesn't it?

Crystal clear,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

How much do you really need to know about a person's ex? When my boyfriend and I started dating, he had fairly recently gotten out of a long term relationship. Aside from sharing that information with me, he hasn't brought up the ex since. Now that we've been going out a while, I'm starting to wonder what she hasn't come up more. I don't know who broke up with who or why. It's not that I'm worried I'm just a rebound or that the pattern is repeating. But I wouldn't know if there is a pattern to repeat because I just don't know anything. About any of his past relationships. I want to make this work. I just don't know what I'm working with. Is there something wrong with the fact that we haven't talked about this stuff yet? Do we need to?

What If I Am Just the Rebound?

Dear Bound,

It's not necessarily wrong that you don't spend a lot of time dwelling in the past. If all he talked about was his ex, you wouldn't like that, would you? Even so, I get why you wouldn't want to address this situation directly, but that's pretty much the only option you have. You can be a junior high girl and ask around, or you can be adult and ask him directly. You tell him that now that he's had time to get over it and now that you are getting serious, it's time to get some things out in the open. Then ask him. Try to remember that you don't need to know every detail. Quite possibly his last relationship had just run its course. Or maybe he was an abusive, cheating bastard. He probably won't open with that one. You have to prepare yourself for the reality that if you ask questions, you are going to get answers. Ones you may not like. It's like being naive enough to think that it matters how many past sexual partners your partner has had. What matters is the one he has now.

Of course, if he refuses to answer your questions, that's an answer in itself.

Full Disclosure,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My daughter just finished an abysmal school year. She used to be a straight A student, but now her report card is cluttered with some Bs and even Cs. If she were older, like 15 or something, I would suspect drugs or the wrong crowd. But she's 10. There haven't been any major changes in her life, no divorce or sickness or death or menstruation starting (thank God). She doesn't seem to be otherwise unhealthy or unhappy. She just didn't try at school last year. What can I do to motivate her to do better next year?

Not Feeling Like an A+ Mom

Dear Mom,

First, don't beat yourself up. For the next decade your kid is going to pull crap you don't understand. It's all part of growing up. In this case, don't sit her down for a talk about how disappointed you are. Well, you can if you genuinely believe that will work, but I don't think you would have written to me if you did. Instead, find a tutoring centre or similar organization where you can get a skills assessment done. Explain very clearly that this isn't a test that she can pass or fail, so she doesn't have to worry about how long it takes or whether or not she can answer all the questions. From this, I think you will learn one of two things: 1) she was struggling in one area and deliberately did poorly in the rest of her subjects to mask this "failure" or because she felt so discouraged by it; or 2) she's not struggling at all. In the former case, you can get your daughter tutoring to bring her up to speed in that subject before the school year begins. This extra help will hopefully give her the confidence to achieve in that area next year. Be sure to make it clear to her that getting a B or a C in one subject doesn't mean that she's not smart. Some subjects are just harder than others. It happens to all of us. And if it's the latter, here's what happened: she got bored. She chafed against being forced to do things that weren't a challenge for her. You will need to speak to her next teacher about coming up with strategies that give her extra activities or work at a higher level. You may need to also find her extracurricular activities that expand her horizons. It may be something as simple as more challenging reading material for after school. No matter what, something's missing. You can figure this out and get her back on track.

Lettered,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

How can you tell if someone has a drinking problem? I've been friends with this guy since college. He drank a lot then, but I didn't think much of it. It was college, we all did. Okay, "drank a lot" isn't exactly right. He doesn't drink a lot now. Most of the time he doesn't drink at all. If it's just a few people hanging out, no matter where, he's fine. Maybe, maybe one or two drinks, but nothing out of control. But if we go to a party or get together with a big group (maybe 10?), he gets drunk. Really, really drunk. This happens once, maybe twice a month, so I never think of him as an alcoholic. It's not like I go over there and find him dead drunk in the middle of the day. But it does happen every time. Is this something to worry about? Does he need an intervention?

Worried Friend

Dear Friend,

Problem drinking comes in many forms, and it's often as much why you drink as how much or how frequently you drink. Your friend only drinks a lot sometimes. We've all had more to drink than we should from time to time. But you say that he's established a pattern: every time you get together in a larger social setting, he over-drinks. If I had to guess (and I do), your friend is using alcohol to self-medicate some kind of social anxiety disorder. It's not time just yet for an intervention, though. Sit him down one and one and ask questions. That's right. Don't tell him what you think he's doing or what I think he's doing. Start with something simply like how many drinks did he have last night anyway? Let him do the talking, and see how he reacts when you ask him why he thinks he drinks so much when you guys go out. A lot of people do things, form habits, without realizing just what they are doing. Other people consciously do what your friend is doing to "take the edge off." Whatever information you get out of this conversation, don't expect it to be a one-and-done deal. He might come right out and confess that he's got a drinking problem, but he might also feel completely blindsided by your line of inquiry. Be gentle and kind. All you need to do is plant the seed. Make him think twice about that second (or third or fourth or fifth) drink.

Of course, if this drinking extends beyond once or twice monthly excursions in which he presents no danger to himself or others and as a result of which he does not drive drunk, you may need to move more quickly. Confront him with another caring friend, or, yes, move up to a full-on intervention. Again, this might take more than one try, so don't give up. With this particular issue, he might not hit rock bottom in the same way that another alcoholic would. As such, you have to approach things differently.

Best of luck,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My friend is always coming to me with her relationship cry-cry, and then she's back with him the next day no matter what I say. That's fine if she wants to be like that, but I don't want to listen to it any more. To clarify, he's not abusive or anything, just sort of a dick, and they aren't happy together. Is it wrong of me to be that way? Should I be supportive no matter what?

Unsupportive Friend

Dear Friend,

On the contrary, you're not doing anyone any favours by being supportive all the time no matter what. I know our culture will tell you otherwise, but everyone else is wrong. You can be supportive, but only to a point. After that, you need to master accepting without approving. Believe me, this is not an easy task. You can accept that your friend is a certain way -- that she's going to stay involved with a dick regardless of what it does to her or what you say. But you don't have to approve -- you don't have to listen to her cry-cry all the time. You can (and should) cut her off. Let her know exactly where you are coming from, "Friend, you keep coming to me for advice, but you never take it. You cry-cry about your relationship, but you never do anything about it. You're adult who can make your own choices, and so am I. I don't want to hear about it anymore." Then don't. It's much harder than I just made it sound. You have to refuse. If she asks for your advice, don't give it. If you wants you to listen to her cry-cry, change the topic or extricate yourself from the situation. Eventually she'll get the message. If you are really lucky, she'll eventually get your subtextual message (this dude sucks), but I wouldn't bank on it.

Supportively,

Miss Smartypants

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