Miss Smartypants by Adrian Steeves
Dear Miss Smartypants,
Last week my GF was helping me sort through some old boxes and she came across pics of me and one of my exes. Now some of the pictures were pretty graphic, and no one would ever want to see their BF or GF doing that stuff to someone else. I get why she got upset, but she started asking if I still had feelings for the girl and got all insecure and angry at me. I tried to explain to her that I thought I threw them out (which I honestly did. Why else would I let her anywhere near them??), and that they were taken BEFORE I even MET her. I get why she's upset, but she's still blaming me a week later – which I think is wrong. Yesterday, because I told her I didn't feel like grocery shopping at that moment, she asked me how I'd feel if I saw pictures of her with another guy. I had to bite my tongue from telling her to go ahead and take some if she really wanted to find out. How do I get her to get over it already?!
Dear You should have said it,
Now that she’s found the pictures, and you’ve explained that you thought you had thrown them out, did you? Did you put them in the garbage right in front of her, so that she knows that whatever she saw is behind you? If not, you should really get on that. Otherwise, there’s not much you can do to make sure she gets over it. She’s probably partially jealous and partially worried, much like the Boy whose Girl had a “bath toy” last month, about what these photos mean. Sit her down and explain, clearly and in no uncertain terms, that those photos were taken a long time ago, that you are with her now, and that all of that is in the past. If she tries to throw it in your face again, remind her that you’ve talked about this, and it’s behind you. If it happens a third time, consider getting a new GF.
Already over it,
Dear Miss Smartypants,
My ex and I have been broken up for two years now. We've both seen, casually, other people that didn't work out. We live in different cities, and we have only seen each other a few times a year since the breakup. Each time, though, it's like the breakup never happened. We hold hands when we walk together, our friends think we're secretly sleeping with each other (which isn't true), and I sink into depression when he leaves. We only talk on the phone every couple of weeks.... but each time it's like I have my best friend (and boyfriend) next to me, making the world brighter.
We cannot be together for several reasons, not the least of which is distance, but I have no idea how to get over him. Each time I'm with someone else I don't find myself missing him, but then that fizzles and he's the one I want to turn to. I know you're going to say to stop talking to him for a while, but... he's also one of my best friends and I don't think I can live without him. What should I do?
Desperately Missing Him
Dear That’s too bad,
I’m going to have to say it anyway: take a break from him. No visits, no phone calls, no chats, texts, or emails. Tell him that this break will occur for the next three months and stick with it. If “distance” isn’t the only reason you broke up, think about all the reasons that you did. Write them down. Write down all the things he used to do that bugged you and made you want to break up with him in the first place. Ask yourself if any of these things have changed about him, and write yes or no in a column next to the items on your list. If you have more yeses than nos, maybe you should rethink the break up. If it’s more nos, stick with your decision. It’s nice to have someone that makes you feel a certain way, but feelings alone can’t make a relationship work. And next time you do see him? Don’t hold his hand.
Ain’t missing you,
Dear Miss Smartypants,
I have been single for a while, and lately I'm hearing a lot of "when you're least expecting it, the perfect guy will come along". Besides the fact that it's annoying to hear and soooo clichéd, it also seems to imply that all I ever do with my time is go man-hunting. Usually, I can roll with being single, but I keep an eye out in case a decent guy comes along. In which case, I am never really "least expecting it". But is that so wrong? What are your thoughts on this “least expecting it” business?
Dear Sounds about right to me,
There is nothing wrong with keeping your eye out in case a decent guy comes along, and, quite frankly, there is something wrong with the idea that you should be “least expecting” to meet a decent guy eventually. Just keep doing what you’re doing – involving yourself in activities that interest you, getting out there and meeting new people, letting your friends know that you are available if they know of anyone suitable – and ignore the rest. Perfect partners only appear magically out of nowhere, after you’ve sworn off looking for someone, in the movies. Stay open, see what happens, and don’t be afraid to make the first move.
Coming along any day now,
Dear Miss Smartypants,
I'd really like to get my partner to dress up in the bedroom, but am too embarrassed to bring it up. How should I go about it?
It’s too bad you’re too embarrassed to bring it up because short of bringing home porn with the exact outfit you’d like your partner to wear/the outfit itself, showing it to him/her, and waggling your eyebrows suggestively, I don’t know how else you are going to get your interests across without using your voice. As such, here are some guidelines for bringing up the fetish with the partner:
- Choose your moment carefully. You want to introduce the subject at a time when your partner is most likely to be receptive to the idea. To be honest, because dressing up is so banal, I can’t imagine there is a time when any partner wouldn’t be receptive, but, if you are going to suggest something a little more hardcore, consider the when and where. You could slip the suggestion in with your usual before/during dirty talk and in the afterglow ask, “So are you into that?” Or you could wait until your partner walks in the door to announce, “Guess what, honey? I want you to dress up like a French maid/naughty schoolgirl/Santa!” Whatever time you think is best.
- Reassure your partner. Make sure that your partner understands that this isn’t something you want to do all the time, nor will it replace the sex you currently have. You are only asking your partner to give this a try.
- Wait. Don’t demand an answer, particularly a positive one, right away. Answer any questions, and give your partner time to think.
- Bring it up again. Just because you’ve put it out there doesn’t mean that you should let it drop. Now that your partner has had time to think (maybe a week or so?), ask him/her again if they are willing to give it a try. Go over the parameters again (this would be a supplement not a replacement, your partner can help set the terms, etc.) and make sure there are no lingering questions. If you partner still wants time to think, give it to him/her. But not too long.
- Offer a trade. This one is last ditch, so use it only in case of emergency. Think of something you partner has suggested in the past that you ignored or vetoed, and offer to do that (or a variation on it) in exchange for the fulfillment of your fantasy. If you can’t think of anything, ask.
All in all, this plan hinges on your ability to tell your partner what interests you. No matter how embarrassed you might be, it’s worse to wonder, long, and grow to resent.
You can do it,
Don’t forget to send your problems, issues, and grammatical confusion to Miss Smartypants at