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|Written by (Cult)ure Staff|
|Friday, 14 May 2010 00:00|
We've all been there: innocently watching a movie or TV show when ding-dong! Sex on legs rolls in. So what are you going to do about it? You're going to do what every other person since Lumière brothers invented motion pictures has done. You are going to see that person in everything. Unfortunately, no actor has a perfect record, so, in addition to the good, you are going to slog through a whole heck of a lot of dreck. In the spirit of solidarity (because we've all been there), (Cult)ure writers shared some of their low movie moments endured for a glimpse of a crush.
I have followed Julie Andrews to some dark places. I should start by saying that I love her. That love probably began when she played a weirdly mean nanny in the classic Mary Poppins that I watched as a child. The real love, though, the ever-lasting, all encompassing love that I feel for her came about in my teen years when my sister and I spent one summer watching The Sound of Music (every single night). In addition to learning the Laendler (the folk dance) simply by observing the scene in the courtyard and constantly debating whether or not the Baroness Schräder (played by Eleanor Parker) wore not one but two different wig pieces throughout the movie (she had to . . . at parts you can see it separating from her forehead!), both of us fell in love with a young woman named Julie Andrews. She can sing (or she could before some bastard botched an operation on her vocal chords), she is funny, we know she likes a drink every now and then (because of a commentary on TSOM), and she is generally regal. All great qualities.
As with all love, there have been ups and there have been downs. While I loved The Princess Diaries (it came out just as Julie-fever was reaching a pitch for me, and her jokes about "orthodontia" and "schlumping" were spot-on), I spent actual money to see Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement. I also purchased a weird DVD called Relative Values wherein Julie plays a disapproving mother in a mediocre family drama (at least Colin Firth is in it, something nice to look at). Her voice-role in Shrek 2 was similarly disappointing (because the movie was over-hyped and not funny). Do I need to mention the recent abomination, The Tooth Fairy (co-starring The Rock)? I think it is best if we all just forget about that one. I also watched a movie where she made a 30-second cameo as herself singing on a plane . . . I can't even remember what it was called or why it was horrible, but I know it happened. Another frightful addition was the 1981 movie S.O.B. in which everyone's favorite children's caregiver exposed her breasts to the world. It was uncool and made me think her husband (and director of the film), Blake Edwards, was a bit of a skeeze.
Despite all the heartache, I will still pay to see her in just about any old crap (and as you see, I have done so) because true love lasts a lifetime.
As much as I love Supernatural, it seems that the surprisingly talented leads can only get film work in really crappy horror remakes (see also 2009's Friday the 13th). Indeed, as MBV3D takes place in depressing Pennsylvania mining-country in winter, the grey-toned camera lenses sap the movie of all colour and the Ackles gets to rock the flannel, it looks much like any episode of Supernatural anyways. Except that it's godawful. There is one reason for this film to exist: to see sharp implements (including one pickaxe with a severed eyeball clinging to the end) come at your face in 3D. Which is all well and good if you're into that. I was only there for the pretty, so I was snarky enough to find fault with a lot of elements of the film. The internal logic was shaky even as horror movies go: as a prelude to the film plot proper, a regular-Joe miner gets trapped with five others in a collapse and kills them to conserve air for himself (not nice but more scarily pragmatic than psycho), winds up in a coma, wakes up a year later, and goes on a mega-killing spree (so evidently now he's psycho, has no muscle atrophy, and also is super-strong enough to rip people in half with his bare hands). Also, this movie refuses to play by the unwritten rule that the pregnant character will make it out alive. Basically a terrible movie, but there is a so-gross-it's-fabulous 3D shot of a face getting sliced in half by a shovel, and the top half slooowly sliding off.
Oh, Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Who DIDN'T watch a lot of Home Improvement with their family back in the day and secretly crush? Oh, that episode where he got a girlfriend . . . I thought I was going to die of embarrassment when I realized that my mom could probably tell I was horrified/devastated/wishing I were that girl. JTT (oh yes, we had a nickname for him) was THE heartthrob. And, in a most wondrous blessing, he was in a movie, Wild America, with two heartthrob counterparts, Devon Sawa and Scott Bairstow. Oh . . . oh JTT, oh JTT, you were SO CUTE. I vividly remember watching the movie (breathlessly, I'm ashamed to admit) three times, which means I probably watched it about six times. The floppy hair, the grin, the beeee-ootiful blue eyes, the tanned skin . . . SIX TIMES, guys. The movie barely warrants watching it ONCE. Such was the depth of my love for the middle Home Improvement son.
When I get a new movie crush, I tend to fall pretty hard: I watch pretty much everything in their back catalogue that I haven't already seen. After Joaquin Phoenix's sexiness knocked me out at the movie theatre, I started adding his oeuvre to my Zip List. Eventually, It's All About Love arrived. The movie made the A.V. Club's "Visionary or Madman: 16 Career-Jeopardizing Labors [sic] of Love," so I'll let them explain it: "a mournful, psychedelic mood piece that takes place in a dystopian, 9/11-haunted future where figure skaters are cloned, Africans mysteriously begin floating for no reason, and people die en masse of broken hearts." All that is to say nothing of the day all the water on Earth suddenly freezes or how it won't stop snowing. What I'm saying is, this movie makes no sense whatsoever, then everyone dies. Fortunately, Phoenix has since decided to quit acting in favour of people defecating on his chest, which has pretty much cured me of following my movie crushes down the rabbit hole. Lee Pace might be cute as a button, but I will not go see Marmaduke. I might watch Miss Pettigrews Lives for a Day if it comes on TV, though. Lee Pace and Mark Strong! Plus, Robert Downey Jr. makes pretty good movies. Okay, so maybe I just diversified.
Joaquin Phoenix made The Crazy Index.
Tags: blake edwards, cinema, crush, devon sawa, home improvement, horror, jake gyllenhaal, jason london, jensen ackles, joaquin phoenix, jonathan taylor thomas, julie andrews, killer movie, lee pace, list, mark strong, marmaduke, mary poppins, miss pettigrew lives for a day, my bloody valentine 3d, paul wesley, robert downey jr., s.o.b., sci fi, scott baristow, solidarity, supernatural, the sound of music, the tooth fairy, tv, wild america