The Crazy Index |
| Print | |
| Written by April Yorke |
| Monday, 01 June 2009 19:00 |
|
Celebrities do a lot for us. They tell us which causes are worth caring about, how not to dress, and how to deal with people who bother us. Of course, with all of us looking to them for our behavioural cues, it's hard to live up to the pressure. You need a release, you know? Some starlets get all coked up and crazy, flashing their lady bits in public, but there are far better ways to let your crazy out. As with so many things, let celebrities show you how. From least to greatest, the Crazy Index: Joaquin Phoenix After Phoenix's Letterman appearance earlier this year, there was only one question: is he faking it? If you've followed the story, the answer is more than likely. The only thing he's really done since then is get into a fake fight with a fake fan, and that was three months ago. Where's he been? A famously reclusive actor quits acting to take up an equally high profile music career while his best friend and brother-in-law trails him around making a documentary? It's just a coincidence, we're sure. He might be crazy, but it seems unlikely. More likely, he's fake crazy but a real dick. Gwyneth Paltrow Phoenix's Two Lovers co-star also makes the list for the same reason: so dickish, it's crazy. All you have to do is take a tour of her lifestyle website, GOOP (why?), to understand. "Make your life good"? "Invest in what's real"? Oh, okay, Gwyneth. We were going to make our lives crappy by investing in what's fake, but we have seen the light. We need to go invest in a flatiron. That's part of it, right? Angelina Jolie Gone are the days of the blood vial necklaces and brother kissing, and they are to be missed. Back when Angie was crazy, she was the gold standard of crazy. In the years since, she's cleaned up her act, even becoming a UNHRC Goodwill Ambassador. But all those kids? That has to be crazy, right? Please let it be crazy.
Oh, Swinton, where would we ever be without you? Lost, my dear girl, lost. Your wardrobe is nuts, your movie choices are nuts (your acting is exquisite), and your reaction to your success is especially nuts. But we admire the pants off you, lady. You and your possibly poly-amorous living situation. Who among us mere mortals could climb so high up Crazy Mountain and still come across as an intelligent, reasonable human being? Christian Bale Long before his outburst was leaked, anyone following Bale's career could have told you that the guy's a little nuts. All that intense prep can't possibly speak to a healthy mental state. Losing 63 pounds and wanting to go for more? That's not right. His crazy seems to be contained to his career, though. If Bale ever retires from acting, he'll be the craziest sheep farmer in Wales.
* (N.B.: Asterisks indicate a missing link. Leave your suggestions in the comments!) Evan Rachel Wood Her Marilyn Manson days may be behind her, so why hasn't she stopped styling herself as his ex, Dita Von Teese? Is that something she needs to grow out of? If so, she has our support. She is a talented actress and a beautiful young woman. So quash the rumours that you've hooked up with Mickey Rourke and do something age appropriate like not wearing underwear in public. You don't belong here unless you are going to be crazy fun, young lady. Your crazy is currently more of a crazy sad. Beyoncé Her clothes are batty. She looks like she'd cut a bitch. She apparently wonders about what it would be like to be a boy. Mostly, though, Beyoncé made an entirely differently personality for herself, Sasha Fierce, so she could be more Sir Anthony Hopkins Sometimes celebrities are kind enough to offer us solitary windows into their crazy. Slipstream, written and directed by Sir Tony, is one such window. While the dual realities trope is time honoured, totally thinking that they're real is not. If you saw Hopkins promoting the movie on Inside the Actor's Studio, well, that's all you really needed. Man is nuts. A brilliant actor and maybe fun for a pint, but nuts. Tyra Banks Oh, Tyra. Your wig tape is probably clearly visible right now. You freak out on your future top models and then bring it up for weeks afterward instead of sweeping it under the rug like any normal person. You have the fantastic ability to make your eyes dead and then not dead. Yet, somehow, you had a successful modeling career and now two (!) shows. Maybe there's more to this dead/not dead thing than we realize. Robert Pattinson Back when Twilight coverage was at its nadir, my friend and I were engaged in a daily debate called, "Robert Pattinson: crazy, awesome, crazy awesome, or awesomely crazy?" Here's a shortcut to our conclusion:
Bai Ling This is some truly beautiful crazy right here. She's got 19 personalities. She clearly wears whatever she comes across. Her blog is called Naked Seduction. She sports Band-Aids of Truth on her shins. She's writing a book called Nipples. Just let her be, people. It's glorious. * Kanye West Shall we start with the blog? Not surprisingly, it involves a lot of caps lock. As he put it in April, "I JUST WANNA BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM." Unlike five days later, when he told Flare, "But I don't have the traditional false modesty a celebrity's supposed to have. I can't lie to anybody about the way I feel about myself; I'm too dope. I'm superdope." It must be difficult to be as dope as Kanye and not tell everyone about it all the time. Once a week is perfectly reasonable. Fact: he is so dope (crazy), that he was the inspiration for the Crazy Index. * David O. Russell David Fincher's idea of an Oscar campaign might be smacks, but he's got nothing on pretty much everything David O. Russell does on set. Remember this? If you think about it, that's what working with Russell must be like all the time. George Clooney confirmed that that's the experience you get when you work with Russell, which makes you wonder what possessed Mark Wahlberg to work with him a second time. Also bananas? Mel Gibson Aw, sugar tits, thanks for stopping by. First you gave us your anti-Semitic tirade. But you were drunk! You're an alcoholic! It's just the booze talking. Of course, then you got kind of pissed that a professor of Central American studies had a beef with Apocalypto. You're right, Mel! She should make her own movie. Photos from Edge of Darkness have people all over the blogosphere calling you crazy, but, hey, you could just be playing a crazy character. He's on the edge of darkness, after all. It seems you haven't done anything too, too crazy recently, just your wife and mother of your seven children filed for divorce, which is great, because your girlfriend's already preggers with number eight. Of course you don't have a pre-nup for your $600 million fortune. You're a devout Catholic! Those people never get divorced! To suggest otherwise would be batty. If you're looking for a level of crazy to which you should aspire, you could do worse than Sharon. She looks like she would cut a bitch, nothing she says makes any sense, she wears stuff like this. Mostly, though, you can playfully whap Dev Patel when he asks you to, and start an internet firestorm. Getting away with slapping people is an acceptable life goal if you ask us. Vincent Gallo You know, this really says it all. The only person crazier than the guy selling that stuff is the person willing to buy it. If you have $1 million, you'd be better off with $1 million worth of crack. Tom Cruise Calling Tom Cruise crazy is so 2005. When you find a video like this, it's old! He doesn't do that stuff anymore, right? Except - and think about this - he's just gone into hiding. He's still the same Scientologist who will sue a guy for alleging he's gay. He still bought an ultrasound monitor for home use. He still dangled off a balcony at fellow Crazy-Indexer Kanye West's concert. Just because he hasn't done that stuff lately doesn't mean that that guy's not still in there. I mean, of course he's not, he's totally straight and sane. And fortunate enough to have Jonathan Coulton write an entire song about how crazy he is:
Aw, Tom, you'll always be tops to us even if you do have to play an old retarded grandpa. Special props to Sarah and Emily for helping to come up with the Crazy Index that day. It's always important to use a scale, guys. Related:See which crazies also made April Yorke's Sexy Ugly list and which ones made our writers' fantasy studio drafts. Also, this is not the first time April Yorke called Robert Pattinson crazy.
Bookmark
Email this
Comments (2)
 |
Tilda Swinton
Sharon Stone
Subscribe to this comment's feed
