26 Things of Beauty From 2008

1. Me. Steve Dominey forgets that January would be the ideal month to submit a 2008 year-in-review article, instead choosing to write one for February’s Beauty issue. This kind of thing will, of course, never happen again.

2. Ass-kissing. After every submitted article, (Cult)ure’s editorial staff posts comments and sends e-mails telling me how hilarious I am with the hope that it will inspire me to write something for the next issue. Sadly, it works every time.

3. Seven Pounds of Turd. It’s as if moviegoers have finally recognized that Will Smith, aka ‘The Highest Earner in Hollywood,’ makes bad films. I assume these are the same people who just noticed Nicholas Cage has been mailing it in since Adaptation. Whether it’s making unfunny movies about aliens (Men in Black franchise), preposterous movies about aliens (Independence Day), pimp-strutting through movies about robots (I Robot), teaching fat white guys how to dance (Hitch), out-gaying the dudes in Brokeback Mountain (Wild Wild West), or hunting deer in a sports car, hitting on mannequins, and making romantic breakfasts for dogs in one of the worst flicks in the last five years (I Am Legend), Will “the budding Scientologist” Smith has proven to be the go-to actor for Shortbus drivers around the world when popping in a road-trip crowd-pleaser.

4. Black Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuits. Them boys are tasty.

5. “You’re an Anti-Dentite.” The dad in Malcolm in the Middle, better known as Seinfeld’s dentist Tim Watley, wins a well-deserved Emmy for the year’s best new show, Breaking Bad. Riddled with cancer, Cranston’s character decides to cook crystal meth in order to provide for his family after he’s gone. I haven’t fact-checked this, but I believe it’s based on the life and times of hockey coach Roger Neilson.  

6. Cool New Trends. Mad Men single-handedly ups lung cancer rates across North America*.  Mad Men’s smoking hot redhead Christina Hendricks single-handedly drops Hollywood anorexia rates.  (*honourable mention to Barack Obama).

7. The Recession. I have to say, this thing is working out beautifully for me. I don’t work in the auto industry, I had zero savings to lose in the market crash, gas has never been cheaper, and my lady friend just bought a 46” big screen TV because all electronics are on sale. Now when she comes home from work to discover me lying on the couch in my underwear, washing down Black Pepper and Olive Oil Triscuits with a cold beer, I have the perfect response to “Did you look for a job today?”… “I tried baby. You know how this economy is.”

8. Jimmy “Sugar is the new oil” Smits. By befriending America’s favourite mass murderer, talking with a dirty Cuban accent, and looking as big as a grizzly, Smits injects Dexter’s third season with new life. When she was alive, this is the kind of thing Heather Locklear would do for shows all the time. 

9. The Juice. America’s previous favourite mass murderer gets thrown in the big house for nine years, although the judge says O.J. could get out early with good behavior, or if he promises to star in Naked Gun 4.

10. History Lesson. I’m not on Facebook (because I have no friends) and I’m not one of those people who send links of funny things they’ve seen on YouTube (also because I have no friends), but the four-and-a-half hilarious volumes of Drunk History, featuring such stars as Michael Cera and Jack Black, make John Adams seem twice as boring as it already is:

11. China Town. Underage Chinese gymnasts, phony CGI fireworks displays, lip-synched anthems, choking pollution, suffocating Communist policies, 300 dead Burmese monks, and worst of all… Michael Phelps’ personality. I only hope that, in 2010, Canada can somehow top China. Here’s hoping for 301 dead Burmese monks.

12. It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Danny DeVito doing what Danny DeVito does best (besides being drunk off his ass on The View): Scheming, cheating, lying, and giving hope to comedy fans everywhere that the sitcom is not yet dead. Unfortunately, Two and a Half Men put that hope in a hammerlock and squeezed until the life slowly drained out of its eyes.

13. Religulous. I know poor Oprah just ballooned to 200 pounds, but Anne Hathaway is the girl you have to feel sorry for in 2008. If you haven’t read this Vanity Fair article describing how her now jailed ex-boyfriend/con-man Raffaello Follieri practically pretended to be the Pope, immediately stop reading this garbage and treat yourself.

14. David Letterman. With more than 27 years as a late night talk show host under his belt, Letterman remains as funny and culturally relevant as ever, calling out John McCain for canceling his scheduled appearance challenging McCain for his hypocritical stance on Barack Obama’s ties to William Ayers and ridiculing The Hills’ Spencer Pratt Not to mention the best bit in late night television, Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview

15. The writers’ strike. Dave and Conan grew sweet beards, Lost cut the fat and delivered its strongest season yet, and best of all, no 24. (Although I did miss the annual Muslim group shit storm.)

16. Sean Connery’s career advice to Tom Cruise.

Cruise: “Hello Sir. Connery, it’s Tom Cruise, I’m this close to a comeback and need your advice sir.”

Connery (don’t forget the Scottish accent): “Well, what is it my boy?”

Cruise: “Mel Gibson dropped out claiming creative differences, so it looks like I’m going to kill Hitler.”

Connery: “Hitler? America will love you again. That’s wonderful son.”

Cruise: “Yeah, but my German accent isn’t that sharp.”

Connery: “Ha Ha Ha, German accent. Tommy my boy, have you not seen The Hunt for Red October? My Russian submarine captain spoke with a Scottish accent through the whole damn thing.”

Cruise: “And nobody said a word?”

Connery: “Not a soul.”

Cruise: “Thanks sir, you might’ve just saved my career.”

Connery: “Not a problem. And Tommy, make sure you kill that bastard this time.”

17. The “Shizz”. SNL’s Andy Samberg follows up Dick in a Box with two good bits, Mark Wahlberg Talks to Animals and Jizz in my Pants. Since NBC will probably have both removed from YouTube by the time you read this, I’ve linked to a somewhat related “shizz” story that I told at a campsite this summer while drinking. The tale, which was recorded without my knowledge and put on YouTube, involves me needing to crap while listening to a playoff hockey game at a Taiwanese Internet café back in 2004. Enjoy:

18. The Shield and The Wire. The two best cop shows of our generation go out on top of their games. Each manages to do so without showing Dennis Franz’s ass.

19. Bap! Pow! Zing! I suppose I’m obliged to mention The Dark Knight. I feel like for the last six months, “Did you see Batman?” and, “What a great performance by Heath Ledger,” became the go-to mindless conversational replacements for Canadian weather talk. “Nice Ledger we’re having isn’t it?” I swear if John McCain’s evil Republican brain-trust somehow managed to revive Heath during the VEEPstakes, the only thing “three packs-a-day” Obama would be doing on January 20, 2009, is commiserating with Al Gore and John Kerry over a game of H-O-R-S-E.

20. Paul Newman. Speaking of dead guys, let me take the world’s tiniest platform to say what a shame Paul Newman’s passing was. “C’mon God, you couldn’t take Redford?!!” Like many older gals, my mom loved Newman. When I mentioned his death, her eyes fluttered back in her head and a knowing smile crept across her face, as if she were remembering an old lover. That night I caught her pleasuring herself with a bottle of Ranch dressing. True story.

21. South Park. With my respects to The Simpsons (and without my respects to Family Guy), South Park is the funniest animated series of all time. Here are links to three of my favourite episodes from last season. Steven Spielberg and George Lucas rape Indiana Jones <http://www.southparkzone.com/episodes/1208/The-China-Probrem.html>, Randy needs the Internet to beat off <http://www.southparkzone.com/episodes/1206/Over-Logging.html> and Cartman gives Kyle AIDS <http://www.southparkzone.com/episodes/1201/Tonsil-Trouble.html>.

22. Comebacks. While Robert Downey Jr. and Mickey Rourke both resurrected their careers, my award for Best Comeback of 2008 has to go to a certain female pop star. Not Britney. I’m thinking Madonna. It’s been a while since she’s been this slutty. Loyal fans like me have been waiting for this longer than the release of Chinese Democracy. And unlike in that case, Madonna’s delivering. Have you heard her catchy new single, “A-Rod’s Rod?”

23. The Sham Wow. $19.99 + S&H. Just an irresistible offer. A steal really.

24. Friday Night Lights. I ridiculed People magazine’s selection of Hugh Jackman as the Sexiest Man Alive in my last article because, without a doubt, that honour goes to Taylor Kitsch, otherwise known as running back Tim Riggins in network TV’s second best show (Lost being #1). Sure, call me a queer, call me a Nancy Boy, call me light in the loafers; it doesn’t matter. I’m secure in my sexuality (plus, my grandma already beat you to it). While most programs involving teenagers (Gossip Girl, 90210) are soap operas with predictable formulas and ridiculous plotlines, Friday Night Lights is a funny, warm-hearted, and hugely inspiring show that’s firmly grounded in reality (with the possible exception of one Season Two plotline). The characters are rich, the football action is great, and Taylor Kitsch will make you wish you were born a woman, unless you already were… then you’re set. Watch this show before it’s cancelled.

25. Greyhound.  Everybody was talking about this gruesome story. A young man gets his head Ginsued off on the bus. Witnesses said they’d never forget the awful screams the poor guy let out. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s what people were saying about Pierce Brosnan’s singing voice in Mamma Mia.

26. (Cult)ure’s next issue. Make sure to visit the website in March for my very special four-part ode to Valentine’s Day.

Comments (4)

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Shiz Recorder

February 04, 2009

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Oh yeah

I keep hearing people talk about th economy, but I haven't noticed a difference, I can still afford Triscuits. I can't believe you included the Shiz story, though it was a beautiful moment, both times I heard it last year.

Jarrett

February 04, 2009

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Not to shabby!

Why do I keep reading this garbage! I feel dumber now...is there anyway I get the last 4 minutes of my life back?

Andy Samberg is a genius, he is my favorite person on SNL...just not enough of the lime light, anyone remember the short lived Awesometown? look it up!

Your Editor

February 05, 2009

Votes: +1

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Ass Kissing

See, I didn't WANT to add any sort of ass kissy comment, but then you go and introduce me to Drunk History. You bastard. After two mojitos, a Belgiam beer, and a glass of whisky, how can I NOT thank you for another great article??

Steve Dominey

February 06, 2009

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Okay, okay. I guess I'll write for the March issue.

I'm a weak man.

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