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|Written by (Cult)ure Staff|
|Wednesday, 31 August 2011 00:00|
We came up with the names for the writers' alter egos; they came up with the personalities.
Laurenexact (Lauren Cheal) would probably be one devious son of a bitch. I tend to put other people first (quite often to a fault), and my alter ego would have none of that. She would have ridiculously strict posture, and people would be pretty damn afraid when she walked into a room (I really don't do enough with my imposing 5'10" frame). This physical presence and harsh personality would fit quite well with her job (and this will not shock anyone who knows me) -- Laurenexact is for sure a cop. Her life is all about the force, and she has little time for such frivolities as television and cats (what a sad life). She would enjoy riding her sweet motorcycle, which she named Terrance.
Kelsette (Kelsa Staffa) would be the single most driven ballet dancer in the history of dance. With questionable social skills and no time for friends or relationships, she'd probably be really lonely, but not even know she was lonely because she was always so busy training and researching how to improve her dancing. She wouldn't be very happy after her dancing career was over -- she'll have been replaced as her body starts to get "old" and can't fulfill her prima ballerina duties anymore, and that can't be easy. How to turn that rage into usefulness? She'd turn into an advisor to the military in training new soldiers. "You think THAT'S torture? Put on these shoes. PUT THEM ON! Now DANCE, dirtmonkey! THAT is pain! THAT IS PAIN! YOU FEEL TIRED? YEAH? GO EXERCISE UNDER THOSE HOT LAMPS!" Hahaha yes, Kelsette's head would probably blow at least once a day.
Mike-Believe (Mike Cullen) would be a life coach. I feel like I'm already the life coach/therapist in my group of friends, so a reimagined me might as well make it his profession. This alternate version of myself would be making it goal number one in life to help others figure out what's going on, and take the action to make it better for themselves. He might even be a little preachy about it, but with the best of intentions. He would also be really good at making the connections in his own life, and making the things he wants happens (something I'm dodgy at doing in my own life). He would be an eternal optimist (something I'm not), and be able to make all of his and your dreams come true (something I'd really like to be successful at).
Emilygitimate (Emily Goodacre) would be an international spy/assassin, toppling illegitimate dictators the world over. She would use her superior skills of krav maga and seduction to infiltrate and dispatch tyrannical regimes and dissapear like she was never there, leaving only whispers and rumours of her existence in her wake. She'd need some sort of tragic back story, of course, maybe being abandoned at birth to be raised by Shaolin monks, only to have Maoists burn down the monastery when she was a teen, leaving only smoking remains of her home, and a deep desire for revenge in her heart. Um, why did the Shaolin monks teach her Israeli fighting techniques, you ask? Shut up and enjoy the story, that's why! Anyways, governments the world over would want to recruit the elusive Emilygitimate, but she will be beholden to no nation. Her only loyalties are to justice, blood, and maybe some hot doctor in Monaco that she visits sometimes when she needs to be patched up/flirted with. Damn, Emilygitimate's awesome! Can I actually be her?
Aperil (April Yorke) sounds like she would be just a side-step from me, so I guess she would be that which I have only made feints at in my life: an epic badass. We're talking Buffy/Veronica Mars/Sydney Bristow levels of badassery. And because we're side-stepping, it's into a world where the things that go bump in the night are real, so she'd slay those mothers. She'd drive a 1970 Dodge Challenger (in white). Her only home would be the road. Her only friend would be a gun. So, basically, I'd be a Winchester without all the angst and destiny bullshit. I'd be a hot chick who shoots monsters in the face but can still order and throw back a martini with aplomb. And I'd be independently wealthy. Just 'cause.
Simulagnes (Agnes Cadieux) would be your BFF, your enemy's BFF, your mom's BFF -- yet there would be something about her you just don't quite trust. That's because Simulagnes is the queen of the chameleon tribe from the far reaches of the exotic world. Armed with the ability to transform into any personality, from bubble-headed teenager to debonair diva of the marketing industry, she could transform into anything depending on the situation. Forget the telephone booth, Superman, she changes in front of your eyes, outwitting you so smoothly you don't even realize what happened until three weeks later. With whip-quick reflexes, she makes high-powered lasers look slow. But is all this magic and power wasted on frivolous things? Well, if you think bringing down heavy-hitting oil tycoons and redirecting shipments of plutonium to seemingly random locations is frivolous, so be it, but keep in mind that she is bound by the needs of her tribe. Fiercely loyal to her people, she is desperate to see her fellow chameleons make it to the next millenium. Yes, Simulagnes is everywhere, all the time, watching, waiting, ready for the next opportunity to make you do a double-take!
Tarynvalid (Taryn Cheal) would be an assertive go-getter. A bit loud and, quite frankly, hard to deal with sometimes because she would be so assertive and she would have the best ideas it would be hard to put up with her sometimes. But she doesn't mind, because she is changing the world for the better with her great ideas (I don't know what exactly these ideas are, but trust me, they are amazing and will save the world). She would be some sort of energy tycoon, but of the future, and her awesome new energy source would literally save the world (again, details of the exact energy source are foggy to me, but it's not my job to figure them out). Once that was in place, she would live out her life as a philanthropist, continuing to improve the world through her amazing ideas. She would not take any guff from anyone because she knows that she is objectively better than everyone, and with good reason.
Brendanalogous (Brendan Blom) would possess - as Brendan does not - the personal bravery, the literary skill, and the charisma to revive the lost tradition of the macho literary lion: the warrior-poet, the globetrotting journalist, and the epic sentimental novelist, all wrapped into one. He would have the Russian gravity and philosophical depth of Tolstoy; the barbed wit and bluster of Hemingway; the sensitivity for human drama and emotion of Dickens; and the voracious appetite and joie-de-vivre of Alexandre Dumas. His life would consist of: travel to exotic, dangerous places -- deserts, jungles, and war zones; serial love affairs with exotic, dangerous women; and swank dinner parties with formal dress, expensive wines, and fascinating people. Somehow he would find time to write both clear, thoughtful articles about society, politics, and ideas, and best-selling, critically-acclaimed novels of such sweeping power, dazzling formal inventiveness, and keen perception of the human condition, they would make Jonathan Franzen wet himself from the anxiety of influence.