We are back with another season of people who are not really "stars" and who can't really dance. I for one, am excited. They did grab a few big names this season, including Chaz Bono (awesome, please bring your mom to a show right now), David Arquette (entertainly nutty), Ricki Lake (Um, hell yeah), and Nancy Grace (I do not understand her). The show got a fancy new set for this season, and it seems gigantic. We have one or two new pros, and the return of Derek Hough, which is exciting. Big props to our favourite host, Tom Bergeron, for his recent Emmy. He beat out my girl Cat Deeley, but the Emmy folks didn't think the audience needed to see this category, so it was fairly anti-climactic. 

Ron Artest and Peta (Cha Cha Cha): This guy is apparently a basketball star, and he looks nutty. He is super tall, and has just changed his name to something stupid that I will not be writing down. Peta is one of the new pros, which has to be a bit tough. Many of the other pros (Derek, Cheryl, Kym) have a fan base in their own right. Let's get to the dance. It is certainly clear that this is a first week dance. It is slow, awkward, and barely resembles a cha cha cha. Ron is barely remembering the steps, but he gets points for trying to have fun with it. The judges are not impressed at all. Len thinks it was terrible, Bruno says something incoherent, and Carrie Ann thinks Ron is sexy. Scores: 5,4,5. 

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl (Viennese Waltz): Cheryl is one of my favourite pros, and it is sad for me that she got stuck with an expendable Kardashian. Cheryl's outfit is all kinds of weird. It is like a futuristic cowgirl look. Not so good. For a first week attempt, Rob's Viennese Waltz is actually quite decent. Cheryl choreographs a nice routine, and Rob is doing well looking like he is having fun, while keeping up with the steps. Bruno thinks he didn't have musicality. Carrie Ann sees a lot of potential, but it was a bit choppy. Len thinks it was ok, but wants him to be less cautious. Scores:6,5,5

Kristin Cavallari and Mark (Cha Cha Cha): I do not know anything about this star. She is apparently from Laguna Beach, etc. No thank you. She is stuck with the unfortunate Mark Ballas. I really do not enjoy him. He is such a showboat and he never makes his partner look good. At least this dance is recognizable as a cha cha cha, which is more than can be said for Ron's earlier attempt. Kristin does well with the steps, but Mark is distracting, as always. Carrie Ann is excited about her potential. Len thought is was lively and exciting. Bruno thinks she is a naughty girl with hip action (his favourite thing in the world). Scores: 7,6,6

Chynna Phillips and Tony (Viennese Waltz): Chynna is a singer from the 80s band Wilson Phillips (she is the short-haired blonde in the "Hold On" video), and is daughter of some of the Mammas and Papas. How appropriate. She is also apparently married to Billy Baldwin. I am not sure what to make of that. In the clip package, it seems like Chynna is as dumb as a post. How fun. Her waltz is ok..she has a bit of a weird posture sometimes…it just seems like she needs to straighten her back and stop sticking her butt out or something. Len is overjoyed. He thinks it was one of the best first-week dances he has ever seen. Bruno thinks she had it all, including musicality and character. Carrie Ann pulls out the dance terms, which means she liked it. Scores: 8,7,7

Nancy Grace and Tristan (Cha Cha Cha): Nancy Grace is a former lawyer turned television news yeller. She has a brash personality, and is the first to admit that she is older and out of shape. Tristan is new to the show, and he is Irish, which is fun. The dance starts with Nancy at her "newsdesk" which is just stupid. She is really not shy about showing off her cans. She seems unsure in her steps, but she is trying to have fun with it, which is nice to see. Bruno thinks Nancy has the moves, but no confidence. Carrie Ann appreciates her spunk, but thinks she needs to remember her choreography. Len thinks she didn't attack the dance at all. Scores: 5,5,6

David Arquette and Kym (Viennese Waltz): Kym is becoming one of my favourite pros as well. Ever since she fell on her neck while dancing with Hines Ward last year, I have a new love for her. David Arquette is just a goofy actor and producer most noted for his role in the Scream franchise and his marriage to Courtney Cox. Apparently, David is recently sober, which is why he wanted to come on the show. David is really fun to watch when he dances. He has a lot of energy, and he does well enough with the technique that the dance looks nice. Carrie Ann thinks that he needs to relax, but that he is really fun to watch. Len liked that there was no mussing about, and just wants him to keep going. Bruno thinks he was a bit all over the place, and he just needs to focus a bit. Scores: 6,6,6

Elisabetta Canalis and Val (Cha Cha Cha): Elisabetta is an Italian model, actress and TV host, apparently famous for dating George Clooney for a long time. Val is a new pro, and he is Maks' little brother. Eeps, Elsabetta is not a very good dancer. She is all limbsy and doesn't seem to know how to control her body. She also has zero chemistry with Val…she just looks like she could care less about the dance. Len didn't like the malarky at the beginning. He also thought she was weak over all. Bruno thinks she doesn't really know how to perform. Carrie Ann thinks that she needs to be confident on her own. Scores: 5,5,5

Hope Solo and Maks (Viennese Waltz): Hope Solo is someone I am interested in. She is the goalie for the U.S. Women's soccer team, and is known for her solid play and for speaking out when she doesn't agree with what the organization has been doing. The team recently lost the women's world cup in a shoot-out. I think she will do well with Maks because she is a professional athlete (and hard worker) and he can be harsh with his partners. The clip package focuses on how Hope is not girly, at all. I can relate. The dance is ok. Hope is not terribly light on her feet…she has the stride of a woman trying to get somewhere, which isn't great for a light, floaty dance like the waltz. Bruno was impressed with her potential. Carrie Ann thinks the connection between the two of them was amazing. Len thinks it was very good, but a little more femininity and fluidity would go a long way. Scores: 7,7,7 

Carson Kressley and Anna (Cha Cha Cha): Carson is the loudest of a particularly loud group of gays from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. He is disappointed that he has to dance with a woman, which is fun. Carson looks really ungraceful in his practice sessions. I didn't think it was possible for a fabulous gay to do this, but Carson really looks like everyone's dad dancing at a wedding. It is pretty awkward. He is certainly trying and having fun with it, but the dancing is not good. The crowd goes nuts for him, so perhaps I am missing something. Carrie Ann says it was her favourite dance of the night, even though his technique was terrible. Len thinks it was entertaining. Bruno says he redefined camp as an art form. Scores: 6,5,6

J.R. Martinez and Karina (Viennese Waltz): J.R. is a U.S. Army veteran who was injured in a mine blast in Iraq when he was younger. He has a lot of scarring from burns on his face and body. He has since become an actor (All My Children) and motivational speaker, and he seems like an interesting guy. J.R.'s dancing is pretty good for a first week attempt. He doesn't have to do a lot in this one, but what he does looks fluid and strong. I predict tears from Carrie Ann. Len thinks it was really good. Bruno likes his hips. Carrie Ann thinks he was confident and charming (she didn't cry, but you know that is coming). Scores: 8,7,7

Ricky Lake and Derek (Cha Cha Cha): Ricky Lake is the fun talk show host of the 90s who is also famous for her outsider movie roles in the 80s (John Water's Hairspray and Cry Baby). My favourite role of hers is in the largely under-appreciated film, Mrs. Winterbourne. Derek is a heartthrob and three time champion at DWTS. Ricky tells us she is there to lose weight.  The dance is pretty good. It is slow, but Ricky is controlled in her movement and she keeps up with Derek well. Bruno thinks they had great chemistry and it was a good dance. Carrie Ann thought the partnership was amazing. Len wasn't thrilled with the footwork, but he liked her elegance and fluidity.Scores: 7,6,7

Chaz Bono and Lacey (Cha Cha Cha): Alright, people. Chaz Bono. This is exciting. Chaz is the son of freaking Cher and Sonny Bono. Born female (and named Chastity by her cruel parents), Chaz recently transitioned to be male. There is a documentary on the OWN network about this transition that I would really like to see. I cannot wait for Cher to show up at DWTS. I saw her perform in Vegas two years ago and it was a highlight of my life. Another fun thing about Chaz being on the show is that Cher tweets about him constantly, and Cher's tweets are always crazy. She has no filter, and her grammar and capitalization boggles the mind. Chaz is decent in his cha cha cha. He has a lot of energy and Lacey does decent choreography for him. Carrie Ann thinks he lived up to the hype around his appearance. Len was glad that he enjoyed the dance and that he came out fighting. Bruno liked how joyous it was. Scores: 6,5,6

More Spangles

• Random Celebrity Sightings: This is my favourite feature on these recaps, and, as the name suggests, it is where I find random celebs in the audience. Up first tonight is Courtney Cox (not really random, as she is married to Arquette—or was—I don't know if they divorced or not). Next up is freaking Camryn Manheim. I haven't seen her since the late 90s! Good times. 
  
  
• Let me tell you about something that has changed my life. It is called a "PVR". I know, I know. Many people have had PVRs for like 20 years. I just got one, and it is spectacular. I can fast -forward over Brooke Burke's ridiculously stupid interviews, people. Things are changing for the better around here. 
  
  
• I liked that they kept the dances really simple this week. Either the Viennese Waltz or the Cha Cha Cha. It is much easier to compare everyone int he first week when they are all dancing one of two dances. 
  
  
• Predictions for who might be going home? I think that italian model lady will have no fanbase and she was a pretty bad dancer. Ron could also be in trouble, because of his low score,  but I don't know if he has a big fan base as I do not follow the basketball. 
  
  
• You thought I was exaggerating about Cher's tweets? Here is one from the night of the broadcast: WOW ! HOW GREAT WAS MY SON "THE GREATEST,THING GREATEST THING,GREATESTTHING NO MATTER WHAT !WHAT! WHAT!" HES A WINNER ! I Was So Nervous