Gossip Girl and I Bonded over our Mutual Love of Scheming and Burlesque
|Written by April Yorke|
|Sunday, 13 February 2011 23:31|
When Blair said that on last Monday’s Gossip Girl, “Panic Roommate,” I may have yelled, “THESIS STATEMENT.” Because, seriously, if Gossip Girl had a central idea, it would be “scheming and burlesque,” right? Also, I hope Jacob took that as a massive shout out. Otherwise, though I haven’t been recapping, I have been watching, and Gossip Girl is still doing everything I love: Serena’s moves on to the next guy as soon as the first gets close, Blair’s up to her eyes in a scheme of her own making, Dan’s hating, Chuck’s making faces, and Nate’s getting pimped. Yay!
So get this: Goofus (he’s Goofus all episode long, no?) didn’t even ask Dan if it would be okay to move an ex-con into the loft. He brought it up once and just assumed that Dan would be on board because . . . Ben was falsely accused? Making up for Lily’s lies is Goofus’ full time job now? Maybe Dan should show a little gratitude toward his totally rent-free existence? I would argue the last, but Goofus is probably thinking the first. So Dan immediately goes running to Eric with what he perceives as a serious problem.
Eric, meanwhile, is getting his head spun by Damien with the truth. And that’s awesome. When Damien made that face at the end of “Damien Darko,” you know the one where the more scared he looked the scarier he became? It made me finally understand why they hired Kevin Zegers for this part. That’s money well spent. ANYway, Damien’s telling Eric about how Ben roughed him up and told him to stay away from Serena and Eric, and, of course it’s all true, minus exactly how violent Damien is making this interaction out to be. On the other hand, I bet it’s scary to get threatened by a guy you sent to prison. So Damien lobs this truth grenade right into Eric’s beautiful little head, and you know it’s going to spend the rest of the episode leaving little bits of brain matter all over everyone else. Maybe Goofus will try to hang on to his pieces. So Eric brings a freaking-out Dan down to meet Damien, but Dan bolts since the only person he hates more than Ben is Damien. Fair enough.
Serena’s bought into the idea that a woman can’t send a man flowers, so she sent Ben a fab bookcase. Ben, naturally, calls to tell the girl that he wishes he weren’t crushing on to take to fab bookcase back, and, naturally, Serena has to do that in person. She sadly does not turn up with work gloves and one of those back support things on. She does, however, turn up with another gift. I guess she hit up whatever rare and used bookstore at which she bought Colin’s present that time for a copy of The Count of Monte Cristo, which I thought was quite the nice thematic choice for her until it turns out that Ben read her the book. Say what? He read the book out loud to Serena? Please tell me he was one of those teachers that read books aloud to his entire class. My grade 10 English teacher did that. I’d give Ben a pass if I thought that were the case. Point is, Ben’s keeping the book. He goes to put it in his room when Dan comes home and commences freaking out to Serena about the danger Ben represents. And he doesn’t even know about the dictionary beat down! That shit is unabridged! So Serena and Dan have a disagreement about whether Ben is entirely responsible for every bad thing Juliet ever did and whether he’s even still in contact with her (which, why would that matter?), and basically Dan’s jealous that Serena always bangs whomever she wants. Could have been you, bud. After Serena leaves, Dan sees Juliet light up Ben’s phone and gets his panties even more in a wad.
Next thing we see, Dan is passive aggressively rearranging the dishes in the loft’s kitchen. No, I am not making that up. So Ben’s like, “How ‘bout we cut the passive aggression, and you just come out with the fact that you don’t want me living here?” Y’all know Dan doesn’t just out with it. Ben gets a call from Serena inviting him to the Party Everyone Ends Up At, and Ben turns on a dime and gets petty right back: A party? Serena? Tonight? A party with Serena tonight? He would LOVE to. Whatever Eric and Damien were thinking, Dan is all up ons.
Stuck in a meaningless mind-blowing sex loop
Raina’s there and gone before Chuck can even get this party started, and he’s glad of it. He needs Raina to fall for him, so she will feel too guilty to help her dad raid his company. Sadly, the “meaningless mind-blowing sex loop” they are stuck in isn’t getting it done. Fortunately, Blair appears on cue with schemes of her own in mind. She’s decided that the way to Epperly’s heart, or at least a good performance review, is to get Epperly a good performance of her own. No sooner has Epperly found a suitable venue in the Palace for the Party Everyone Ends Up At and gone to check the view from the Empire’s roof (?) than Chuck and Blair turn to each other and say, “I need your help.” Yes! Schemes!
So Chuck lays it out for Blair, and she fixes things thusly: sex alone isn’t going to get the job done. He’s got to open up to Raina and find common ground. For Blair and Chuck, that was “scheming and burlesque.” Chuck’s going to have to figure out what’s going to work on Raina. Now, can he sex up Epperly? Absolutely not! He’s got a company to save. The vote is tonight! And that’s when Blair remembers everyone’s favourite UES prostitute: Nate Archibald. There was no possibility that Nate’s ass WASN’T getting pimped, was there? The game, she is afoot.
Chuck takes Raina to lunch at the Palance, and he’s greeting everyone by name and just generally being Chuck about all things. Raina’s like, “I get it: you own the place, soon you won’t, it’s sad.” Chuck, however, goes for the heartstrings: he grew up in the Palace, so everyone who works there is like family to him. Does this include all the staff he’s sexed up/sexually harassed over the years? Who knows, he leaves that part out. Sure enough, Raina softens immediately. After her mom left, she and her dad moved into some hotel’s penthouse and never moved out. Chuck goes for the push, inviting Raina to the Party Everyone Ends Up At that night. Raina’s got a work thing.
Outisde after the break, Chuck and Blair are having the most hilarious fake phone call I’ve ever seen. Chuck is gushing to Blair about Raina and how wonderful she is (Raina “overhears” this . . . who does she think Chuck’s talking to?), while Blair agrees with “Epperly” that Nate is very cute and available for Nate’s benefit. Extra hilarious is the moment when Chuck drops the act to counsel Blair that she’s overselling it, and she immediately rings off. All this convinces Raina to blow off the board vote in favour of the Party Everyone Ends Up At. Nate, unfortunately, needs slightly more convincing to sleep with Epperly “right away,” and Blair cuts him down by calling in “selfish” in bed: “a woman always remembers.” Nate, as you can imagine, is adorably dumbfounded by that.
Back at the office, Epperly has just crushed Blair’s plan by revealing that she needs to manage the party from the office. Erm, okay. Blair will not have this! Epperly needs to ride the very cute bike that is Nate Archibald! So Blair convinces her that the party is just what she needs, and, when you factor in the magic of call forward, everything will be fine. So Epperly tells her to assign different ringtones to each line while Blair pushes her out the door. Immediately the phone lights up with missed calls on all the lines, and you think that this going to spell disaster for Blair, but the show does not follow that plot thread through one bit. Not one little bit.
Party Everyone Ends Up At, Florence and the Machine Division
Eric and Damien are chilling by the bar when Dan shows up. Dan’s role in all this will be to call Ben’s parole officer to report Ben’s violent, violent ways. Dan walks away. Seriously, that is what happens. Eric wonders how Damien is going to incite Ben to violence, but he isn’t. Damien steals the tips out of a glass on the bar, slams them into Eric’s hand to give it some heft and tells Eric that he is going to punch Damien. Have you seen Eric lately? He doesn’t need an assist in the muscle department. Maybe in the learning-to-throw-a-punch department, but not in the heft behind it. Throwing a punch is clearly more of a Dan department as far as the Van der Bass-Humphreys are concerned.
Ben and Serena are at the party. Ben is cute; Serena needs to get a brush and a different dress. Ben walks off to . . . get framed, I guess. Damien’s bruised face and Eric come running up to Serena and Dan. Damien swears up and down that Ben punched him, and Serena’s using her Parisian crime-fighting skills to see through this line: Damien has previously lied about Ben’s criminal ways. Eric backs him up, and Serena starts to waver. That’s when Ben’s parole officer that Dan pre-emptively called walks up, and Serena smells a set up. Too bad that Ben neither confirms nor denies but opts to walk off with his parole officer without a word.
In the kitchen, Raina, in a gorgeous red dress, is seeking out Chuck’s hiding place. It’s not hard for her to find, as she had the same one in her childhood hotel. Raina says that she carved her name into the adjacent cupboard with a salad fork. Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face looks completely delighted and vulnerable as he admits that had the hardwood flooring not been replaced with tile for health and safety reasons, you could find his initials as well. Oh, dear, they are both going to get burnt. Sooner than you might imagine, as Russell Thorpe walks in to give Raina shit for not showing up at the meeting. Apparently they needed an unanimous vote to take over Bass Industries. Raina’s pretty ready to fall on her sword until Russell points out that Chuck totally knew that, and Chuck is busted by Raina’s raised eyebrow.
Blair finds Nate alone at the bar and starts bitching him out for not banging Epperly in a coat closet. Nate’s on to the pimping but goes back to corner when Blair threatens to out his favourite movie as The Sound of Music. Nate defends his totally awesome, Lauren-approved choice thusly, “It’s got guns and Nazis, and Julie Andrews was hot.” Too bad Epperly’s gone off with some Oxford beau. Nate’s hilariously like, “With that accent, dude’s getting laid tonight.” Oh, Nate. Just come out. You and Dan can be so happy! So Blair shanghais Nate into helping her schlep the gift bags from the old location, to which they were delivered, to the Palace. This is the big disaster foretold by the ringing phone? Lame.
Eric and Damien congratulate each other on a job well done, and Eric suggests a little post-op Call of Duty (I think. Apologies if I am not remembering the game correctly). Damien, however, is no longer interested in Eric now that he’s served his purpose. Oh, man. This is going to hurt. Eric: “i tought we were . . . f-friends.” Yup, that’s harsh. He’s realizing as he’s speaking how foolish he’s been. Punch him for real, Eric! Damien takes his leave. Back at the bar, Goofus is apologizing to Dan for bringing this violent hoodlum into their home(s), and Eric immediately runs up to correct them with his bruised hand. Sadly, not by smacking them both in the face with it, but Dan does look gobsmacked. He runs off to correct his error. I can certainly believe that Dan wasn’t in on the most devious aspects of Damien and Eric’s plan, but I can’t quite figure out how Dan was convinced to call the parole officer when he had no clue that anything in the realm of a parole violation was going to happen.
Chuck rushes to catch Raina and explain himself, but it’s too late. Sad.
Everyone who isn’t Eric gets to be happy
Ben comes home to Ex-Con Estates. Dan, to his credit, immediately fesses up. He doesn’t know where to start (with waffles?) re: almost sending Ben to prison for yet another crime he didn’t commit, but he’s going to try encouraging Ben to stay there with a roommate who’s in his corner. Ben accepts this. Dan then points out that Serena’s been there all night worrying and takes off for the arms of Nate. Ben notes that Serena hasn’t slept, and, oh my, this is some soapy shit. Bottom line: they kiss.
Prada Mafia. Goofus is eating . . . cereal? Cold cereal? What has Lily done to this man? So, Goofus is eating cold cereal when Eric walks in with two coffees as a peace offering. He’s been gone all night, and Goofus has Dan and Nate out scouting for him. Eric explains his mistake in thinking that Damien was his friend. Goofus wonders why Eric would want to be friends with someone like Damien in the first place, and that’s when things with Eric get heartbreaking: Eric has no friends, no boyfriends, no one to talk to. Goofus, despite being Dan’s dad, is at a loss, and Eric takes off anew.
Chuck and his impeccably tailored suit are bent over his pool table. Somewhere in the Belgian consulate, Nate remembers that there’s something he’s supposed to be doing. Chuck’s bewildered by a “you’re welcome” text from Blair. Raina arrives on cue. Seems Blair called her up and explained that Chuck’s faked phone call was secretly very real. Chuck ruefully remarks that Blair has a maddening habit of always being right about him, and Raina says that Blair explained that, too. While Chuck did a bad thing, Raina’s willing to give him another chance. Chuck promises to keep business separate this time.
Nate and Dan, in matching pea coats, emerge from the Belgian consulate to spook Damien. Seems they told his father all about his drug dealing ways. Damien freaks about how he will be cut off. That’s the big bad that’s been scaring him? Maybe you should have been saving up your drug dealing profits, Damien.
Back in whatever hotel they’re currently living in, Raina tells her dad that she will be voting in favour of buying Bass Industries at the next board meeting, but her business acumen demands that they hire Chuck after they do. Russell claims he doesn’t need Chuck to help run the company. Raina assures him that he does. Aw.
Epperly and Stefano are having a screaming match in his office. Epperly comes out and announces to Blair that Oxford beau reminded her of some things about herself, so she quit. She then recommended Blair as her replacement. Blair points out that she’s just a sophomore with a full course load, and Epperly just blows that off. Blair can handle it! Here are the 62 devices she is now in charge of. Hee! Blair really will be running this thing by May.
In other news:
Next time: Chuck plans a Valentine’s Day surprise for Raina that causes Blair to exact a Valentine’s vendetta.
|Last Updated on Monday, 14 February 2011 02:45|