Gossip Girl Is Not a Ouija Board
|Written by April Yorke|
|Tuesday, 07 December 2010 15:47|
Thought Blair may have said it in “The Townie,” Gossip Girl most assuredly is an Ouija board. And what Gossip Girl predicts is downfall for Lily, of all people. Find out how.
Blair and Dan are strolling and recapping, but, since I’ve already done the hard work, I’m skipping this. What’s missing is Juliet’s motive, and only Blair can understand: “There is only one motive to fuel a gaslighting as powerful as this: retribution.” She should know, having tried to Ostroff Serena once before. They remember when Serena was briefly allied with the Parisian police, so they decide ask the crime fighter herself for her insight into Juliet’s dark mind.
At Ostroff, the treatment centre with the world’s most hilarious lobby, Dan and Blair are denied entrance, even though they are family. Eric comes down the stairs to explain the 72 hour cone of silence Serena is about to be placed in, and Dan and Blair try to put a halt to that with a quickness: Serena is, eternally, not responsible for what happens to Serena. Today, Juliet is. Then Eric tries once again to lose me forever: regardless of how Serena got there, “maybe she’s getting the help she’s needed for a long time.” WTF are you even talking about, Eric? Therapy, sure, but she’s neither a drug addict nor an alcoholic nor suicidal.
Lily alienates Chuck
Prada Mafia. Lily and Chuck are just finishing up an interview, or possibly round of interviews, talking up the various successes of Bass Industries and Empire over the last year. They enjoy a drink and glow at each other like they always do. But then Chuck shifts and things start to get serious, and eventually Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face full of love and admiration deflates. Damn. Apparently one of the journos asked when Chuck would take over Bass Industries and Lily hedged. Lily assures Chuck that she always intended for the set up to be temporary, and he reminds her that of course he will want it back. Oh, dear. This show is going to destroy the only perfect relationship it has, isn’t it. Chuck leaves, and Rufus comes in to remark at Lily drinking this early in the day, probably set up a Lily-alcoholism plot. I hope I’m wrong since Schwartz et al. would just be recycling oc plots at that point.
Home of the Most Famous Covered Bridge
Juliet is back in Cornwall, CT, where she is immediately recognized by the postman and welcomed because it’s that kind of town.
Dan and Blair are in Blair’s room, where the latter is cooking up schemes to get them in to see Serena, and the former thinks they should find Juliet instead. I like Blair’s plan better if only because it involves costumes and an accent if Humphrey can do one. Humphreys can always do one in my opinion. Dan suggests asking Colin for Juliet’s location, but he’s too busy being a stupid yet successful billionaire on the lecture circuit, so Dan suggests GG herself instead. While Blair bitches that “Gossip Girl is not a Ouija board,” Dan points out that Blair and Serena are her people, while Juliet is a chaotic interloper. Plus, not that Dan says it, she’s demonstrated a loyalty to B and S above nickname unworthy Juliet. Dan emails her, and, eventually, they get an address in Cornwall, Connecticut along with the message “Find that bitch.” Aw, GG cares! They head out in some small European car that apparently belongs to Rufus, and, while I very much doubt that Dan can drive, I do laugh at the idea that it was either the tin can or the Lincoln Hawk van.
The address brings Blair and Dan to a house party full of what I assume is meant to be boarding school students, but beer pong says college to me. Dan reasons that massive house + massive party probably doesn’t = Juliet, but Blair reminds them that they’re really only looking for clues, which they find in the form of Damien Dalgaard. I love that Dan just used his Christian name.
Outside, Damien asks after Jenny (Blair, delighted: “I banished her.” Dan, tremendouchely, “Turns out it was for the best.”), worries about Serena, admits to knowing Juliet and more: he sold her the drugs she used that night, including ether. Later, they visited an opium den in Chinatown. What, it’s so olde tyme. It fits. Damien reveals that Juliet is a townie, and Blair’s face at that word is a screen cap I require. They head off to the Sharp ancestral home. While getting in the car and sniping at each other about covert ops parking spaces, Juliet spies them, ducks down, and quietly freaks. Juliet is smarter than all of them.
Sharp Ancestral Home. Mrs. Sharp invites them in to wait for Juliet because she is a moron. It’s all in hair. Soon enough, Damien puts it together than Ben is Juliet’s older brother, that he was a teacher at their boarding school who got fired for having sex with a student, and that the student was Serena. Retribution.
Juliet calls Ben and tells him that everyone’s on to her, so she’s got to go fuck Serena up again. Since Ben is a totally new person now, he doesn’t like that plan at all. Juliet rings off and the guards won’t let Ben make another call (maybe he should use the phone he’s always using to text), so Ben spies Nate and starts yelling at him to save Serena. Nate calls Dan, finds out about the 72 hour cone of silence, and decides Serena’s safe enough. Dan thinks otherwise, but, since they’re in Connecticut and on Staten Island, respectively, there’s little they can do at this time. Call Chuck, you morons. He would have men with sniper rifles and photos of Juliet stationed outside the Ostroff Centre in mere moments.
Don’t lean on me, man, ‘cause you can’t afford the ticket
Flashback City: so this entire time Serena’s been engaged in Talk Therapy, which involves a number of flashbacks to Bad Serena days that we’ve already seen and some entirely new boarding school ones. Seems Serena didn’t straighten up and fly right the moment she got there. She continued her Bad Serena ways while milking her tutor’s (Damien!) crush to bring her grades up until she developed a crush on English teacher Ben Donovan. She demonstrated an interest in learning and he demonstrated in interest in teaching, which would have been innocent enough had he not transported her across state lines (shades of True Blood yet again) for the ostensible purpose of a totally inappropriate single student field trip. They get a flat tire in the rain and end up at an inn, but Ben turns down Serena’s offer to spend the night and opts to fix the flat instead. He does it in a really sweet way where he doesn’t confirm or deny but sticks to the facts: teacher + student = bad all around. It’s very sad, actually, because Serena’s so excited about this positive male attention. Unfortunately, Damien’s there having dinner with his aunt and witnesses the entire thing.
Back in Serena’s room, crazy Juliet is sitting there in the dark so she can do that menacing thing people do in movies where they switch on the lights for you, and Serena’s like, “Do you also have an addiction?” Juliet’s like, “Yes, to CRAZY!” Juliet tells Serena that she ruined her brother’s life, and Serena awesomely wonders, “Who’s your brother?” I mean, she ruins lives just constantly. Give her some context. Once she knows, Serena still can’t fathom what she did to Ben, so Juliet takes us for another ride to Flashback City: the school fired Ben for sleeping with a student, then the DA came a-knockin’. Confronted with a signed affidavit from Serena and a witness statement (unnamed, though we know who), Ben’s attorney recommends that he accept a plea bargain Serena’s “powerful family” had put together that would see Ben serve time but not his name on the national sex offenders registry. The Sharp/Donovans cry. In the present, Serena knows that nothing happened and that she didn’t sign anything (unlike last week, when she couldn’t even recognize herself in a photo), so they’re off to confront the real culprit. 1) I find it odd that Juliet believes her, and 2) how do you waltz out of the 72 hour cone of silence when you’ve been involuntarily committed? Did Serena recommit herself? Maybe.
Lily alienates Nate
Nate’s hair is back, so you know it’s all business this episode. After the parole intel dropped last episode, Nate questioned the Archibald business manager, who admitted that the Captain is planning to lease a house outside of town once released. Nate and Anne realize that the Captain only used them/their address for the parole board and decide he’s worthless after all. Also, Anne receives (received?) an invitation to the Party Everyone Ends Up At along with a handwritten note from Lily that just says, “I hope you understand,” which apparently means that Anne is socially ostracized for getting back together with her embezzling husband. Nate is disappointed that Lily is a mean girl instead of supportive. I agree; she should know that Anne can button up with the best of them.
At the prison, Nate confronts his dad, who swears innocence: it’s a house Anne and the Captain visited when they were first married, and Anne always said it was her dream home. Now that it’s available for lease, it might be nice to go there and reconnect. Nate feels bad for blowing his dad’s chances, but the Captain knows he’s not exactly the best risk to begin with. Then he says some sad prison stuff about halfway houses and tv privileges, and I once again think that parading Nate around a prison is a cruelty.
Party Everyone Ends Up At, Prada Mafia Bass Industries Holiday Party Edition
Nate shows up to, I don’t know, wear plaid. Oh, tell his mom that the Captain is on the up-and-up. Anne’s decided to go through with the divorce anyway, what with the Captain being a drug addicted, embezzling, son-punching kidnapper. Good call, Anne. Nate makes a boo-boo kitty face. Aw, c’mere, boo-boo kitty. Here’s a hug.
Dan, Damien, and Blair show up to, I don’t know, show off Dan’s chest hair. Oh, tell Lily about Juliet’s evil and get Serena released. Lily’s been running around pretending that Serena’s at a spa while Eric’s running around behind her not fully correcting the story but pointing people in the right direction because that’s what Serena would want. Aw. Eric starts to bubble over with rage at the very sight of Damien, and, what with Eric’s newfound musculature, Damien should worry. He’s pissed about Damien turning Jenny into a drug mule, which would be well enough were in not for the fact that he throws “virgin” in there. Fucking retrogressive sexual politics! Every time with this show! Some things:
1. How would it have been okay for Jenny to be a drug mule if she weren’t a virgin at the time? Because that’s the implication.
2. Jenny, both in term of being a drug mule and being a virgin, made choices. Maybe not the best ones, but certainly ones that were hers to make. So, if you want to be mad about those choices, there’s really only one person to be mad at: Jenny.
In conclusion, cram it, Eric. Damien chooses this moment to bolt. Heh.
Serena and Juliet show up, and all our principles are like, “Buh?” Lily’s making a speech, and Serena’s life drama is so important that she interrupts it to tell her mom that she needs to talk to her. Lily turns the childish tables on Serena by making her pose for a round of photos first, so Serena fully flips the switch and gives a speech about how she was not at a spa but in the Ostroff Centre. She’s fine now and would have been sooner had it not been for Lily’s lying, cheating ways. Oh. The teens (minus Chuck) retire to Serena’s room while Lily breaks the party up. Blair and Dan can’t wait to string Juliet up. Hang her high! Too bad Serena blames her mom for the entire affair and lets her go. Katie Cassidy really does act guilty/surprised at how low she’s sunk in this scene, but c’mon. She could have killed Serena. That should carry some consequences. Juliet gets to leave scot free, though it’s implied that she better stay banished this time.
As they shoo people away, someone (from the board, I assume) hopes this doesn’t affect the sale. HOLY FUCK! Lily’s selling Bass Industries out from under Chuck?! Knife? Through my heart. Rufus overhears.
Lily alienates everyone else she knows
Serena and her jodhpurs and riding boots and giant necklace (wtf, this entire outfit) clomp downstairs to confront her mother. Lily, with increasing desperation and also increasing insanity, explains things thusly: Serena wanted to come home (after her relationship with Ben cooled, as it turns out), but her grades were such that no private school in New York would accept her. While visiting at boarding school one day to plead with them, she overheard some girls gossiping that Serena had spent the night at an inn with a teacher. Lily used this gossip as leverage to get the school’s help in getting Serena back in at Constance. By the time Ben was fired and being investigated by the policy, Lily felt the horse was too far out of the gate to come clean, so she (and Damien?) ginned up this affidavit and let the consequences be damned. Basically everyone is like, “You could not suck harder, Lily,” so that’s when Rufus clears his throat to announce that oh, yes, she can. He forces Lily to come clean about the sale, and Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face barely has time to process the betrayal before it flips to RAGE! Lily had better give back the company tout suite, and Lily’s like, “I only took it over because you disappeared!” which is either a terrible retcon on her part or on the part of the show’s. Lily, you took it over because he was 17 and wanted to focus on Empire. Also, that disappearance started with getting shot, so maybe you could express a little sympathy. Everyone flees the succubus Lily has become while she pleads with them to understand that she did it all for love. I fail to see how that applies to Bass Industries, but okay. Only Rufus is left, but he’s not sure he believes her this time either, so he goes to leave his scarf in someone’s apartment or whatever he does these days. Get a facial. Lily: to Ostroff with thee, woman!
Dinner for Five
Chuck, Nate, Blair, Serena, and Dan are sitting around a table in Empire’s penthouse, apparently over what’s left of a holiday dinner that Dan forced them to prepare themselves. Blair even stuck her hand up a turkey’s butt. Chuck’s off to New Zealand to enjoy “summer weather and girls who enjoy sex in the rainforest.” Blair worries that New Zealand really means Australia and thus a deal with the devil (Jack Bass), and all Chuck can cryptically reply is that drastic circumstances make for strange bedfellows. Nate stands there silently the entire time because he’s still stuck on sex in the rainforest. “Would the kiwis see?”
Dan and Serena talk about their plans for the holiday break, which is crime fighting for Serena and writing for Dan. Serena suggests crime fighting instead, specifically a road trip to find the judge that signed off on “Serena’s” affidavit, but Dan, having been called out by Blair on being too-Serena focused and a Ben waiting to happen, declines and recommends that this is something Serena do herself. Serena nods even though a few weeks ago she couldn’t even figure out how to be places, and they kiss.
Serena bounces, leaving Blair and Dan to do the dishes. Dan points out repeatedly that he will be Blair’s only friend around for the holidays, while mocking Blair for washing the delicate china and crystal with shampoo. I do like their burgeoning friendship, though I do not want them to “hook up,” as my viewing companion cheered.
Ben’s waiting for a visitor in prison, but, since it’s not his sister or his mom, he’s pretty confused. Serena walks in, also pretty confused. Then they stare at each other and both look like they are about to cry, and it is sad. Still, Serena may remember to crime fight and get him out of there.
In other news:
Next time: Serena allies with Chuck against her mom to stop the sale of Bass Industries, which involves digging up dirt and blackmail.
Updos lately are so great!
I love how this show loves to play the "regular character is suddenly evil!" card. Last week it was Vanessa, this week it's Lily. At some point they'll shed a single tear and all will be forgiven.
|Last Updated on Tuesday, 07 December 2010 05:42|