Gossip Girl Makes Its Own Fairytales
|Written by April Yorke|
|Tuesday, 14 September 2010 15:54|
Oh, Gossip Girl, how you have been missed. Last night’s season four opener, “Belles de Jour,” featured specious paternity results, double identities, and Nate Archibald’s hilarious brutal honesty about prosties. All this and a Prince? Bisou!
A Tale of Two Princes
GG tells us that Serena has conquered the Left Bank (drinking, flirting, sleeping with various Frenchmen) while Blair has conquered the Right (high fashion, classic literature, and confections). Still, Blair longs for a fairytale romance to bring her out of her ever-present Chuck-induced funk. Serena, because she is a super genius when she actually pays attention, tells her that we make our own fairytales. Then she runs off to fuck a waiter or something, I don’t know. Bless. Blair finally meets a handsome Frenchman in exactly the circumstances she expects (and her French accent is fairly impressive), only to suddenly go crazy class warfare when she thinks he’s the chauffeur instead of the Grimaldi prince (feeding her Grace Kelly obsession) she original believed him to be. Given that Blair is wearing a sparkly French maid’s uniform, I think it fits. Of course, it’s a total Lord Marcus all over again: Louis was just pretending to be the chauffeur so that Blair would like him for him. It takes throwing Serena into Fontaine St. Michel (I think) for Blair to learn all this, so of course it’s too late. In other news, Serena will join Nate and Blair at Columbia because their admission standards have literally nothing to do with academics. Finally, Blair and Serena make up after Blair admits that she is still utterly destroyed by what happened with Chuck.
Just when you are about to yell, “Where IS Chuck?”, he appears, shacked up with Clémence Poésy after she hauled him out of the street in Prague and gave him not at all the best medical care possible (about which I am very confused. Why couldn’t he go to the hospital?). They’ve moved to Paris by episode’s end, and “Henry Prince”* is on his way to become an underground economy working stiff (with a cane, for a love of accessories never dies). I cannot wait until Serena and Blair find this out next week. Chuck and his gorgeous new hair are going to blow their minds.
*And don’t think that name is a coincidence.
Dan’s successfully hid baby Milo from Rufus for an entire summer, so naturally that all comes out the minute a slightly-less-useless than usual Vanessa appears on the scene. Hilariously, Dan just stopped talking to her. She acts like kissing Serena that one time is the height of insults, so don’t you worry that a summer spent witnessing devastating need in Haiti might have changed her one little bit. Anyway, Georgina was too late into the pregnancy to get a paternity test (really?), but Dan’s holding out on signing the birth certificate until he gets the results. Of course, Georgiana’s yelling at someone over the phone in Russian every five seconds, so we all know how that’s going to turn out. Georgie will do what Georgie will do, and that’s how up at Lily’s during some Eleanor-related fashion party with baby Milo in tow and introduce him to Grandpa Goofus. Lily breaks up the party and Dan shows up to explain, which is when Georgina pulls some random paternity test out of her purse. Instead of immediately asking what she used for a sample, Dan simply calls the “doctor” (or a real, paid-off doctor), gets the “confirmation,” and signs the birth certificate that Georgina is also just carrying around with her. Amazing how stupid this guy is. Rufus, using his head for more than a mopey face rack, suggests another independent test. That’s all the push Georgina needs to pack up her shit and run out sans Milo before she witnesses Dan smother her baby in his sleep like a sow. Seriously, put your kid in a crib.
Nate Can’t Keep a Good Book to Himself
Nate is spectacular in this episode, endlessly, hilariously honest with everyone. It’s like he has just had it with the generalized UES chilliness. He starts the episode on the phone with Dan, reminding the audience for the second time in seemingly as many minutes that Chuck left him his little* black book for the summer. For reals: “I have been having a lot of sex, I never have to have dinner alone, and I don’t have to talk.” He takes “a friend of a friend” out to lunch, and she promptly takes off with some other dude, leaving Nate to hit on Juliet (Katie Cassidy, who I love to see working). He runs into Juliet again at Eleanor’s fashion thingie and gets her number (but not after an entire room full of prostitutes trash his penthouse and use his credit card to buy . . . Rock Band?). When he calls her up for coffee, confessing that he is still in a funk over his break up with Serena (sexy?), we find out that dear old Juliet is a crazy stalker, complete with newspaper clips tacked up and red strings tracing connections and her laptop open to the Gossip Girl blast about Serena hitting Columbia this fall. She also has a retail plastic tag gun to put the tags back on her clothes and a teeny place, so either she’s after Nate’s money (probs) or she’s writing the greatest master’s thesis about these crazy peeps (hope).
*Now that I am thinking about it, I doubt it’s that little. Unless Chuck has tiny handwriting, and I would buy that he does.
In Other News:
Next time: Serena and Blair find “Henry Prince.” Other stuff that isn’t “Henry Prince,” maybe, but I don’t think it was in the preview.