Gossip Girl Never Gets a Tan Line While On Vacation
|Written by April Yorke|
|Tuesday, 09 November 2010 13:29|
Because that bitch is too stirring up trouble. Last night’s Gossip Girl, “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” might actually help us get to the bottom of Juliet and Ben’s deal, features Chuck in Blair’s robe, and gives us the NJBC at its best.
Single White Trash Female
Since Juliet gets the title, let’s deal with her plot first. Nate decides to get “closure” re: Juliet by returning her shampoo and her copy of The Help. Dear Nate: There is no such thing as closure. Hugs, April. Nate goes over to the building where he forgot to fuck her that time, and the doorman informs him that no “Juliet” or “Sharp” or “Juliet Sharp” has ever lived there in the last eight years. Because Nate’s feeling more Vanderbilt than Archibald* today, he runs right over to the loft to tell Vanessa that he has realized that Juliet is a big, fat liar. Vanessa is like, “I can’t believe it took someone else this long to notice,” but that doesn’t stop them from forming an unholy alliance. In the meantime, Juliet decides to listen to Ben and calls the Dean of Freshmen’s Sex Lives for a meeting. Oh, Columbia.
*I’m developing a theory about the two Nates: Archibald is the moron who just wants to get high all the time and play soccer/lacrosse (since the Captain is a moron), and Vanderbilt is the one who comes up with things like treaties and notaries (since Grandfather is a crafty old codger). Archibald usually wins out because that’s all Nate needs to get laid, but Vanderbilt’s in there, plotting away.
Nate’s out for coffee with Juliet, while Vanessa breaks into Juliet’s place. Nate asks for the truth, and Juliet admits that she’s poor. If not for her unnamed rich cousin, she wouldn’t have anything. Nate remembers that time he was so poor that he had to be a Humphrey, so he immediately takes Juliet back. Vanessa, though, doesn’t like the “call it off” text from Nate, so she scurries around until she finds those photos of Serena and Ben. In a bizarre bit of blocking, Juliet and Nate hold each other’s knees under the table.
When Juliet gets back, Vanessa is lying in wait. She pounces and apologizes (wtf?) to Juliet for not believing her about Serena trading sex for grades. Juliet’s like, “Yeah, thanks, but I’ve decided that Nate is much better than any revenge scheme.” I totally agree, but what are you going to do when the Captain gets his next library beat down? What if Ben uses hard covers next time? Vanessa don’t play that way, so she really obviously pockets the memory card with the photos Juliet just deleted off her lappy. Seriously, she waves it in Juliet’s face then pockets it right in front of her. Juliet, pay an iota of attention. Outside, Vanessa smiles the smile of a scheme that will surely blow up in her face. I smile for that reason alone.
Juliet shows up to see Colin/collect her cheque, and she tells him that she’s done with Ben. She also exposits that Ben was a teacher, and are you thinking what I’m thinking? Boarding school. In the books, it wasn’t Eric’s suicide attempt** that brought Serena home. It was expulsion. Perhaps this isn’t Serena’s first faculty member “affair,” though I would like to point out that that would still put Ben in the wrong. He’s the teacher, she’s the student. End of. Maybe a minimum-security prison-netting crime spree followed.
**UPDATE: Forgot the word "attempt" the first time around. Obvs Eric is not dead.
Quickly: Serena and Colin take a cab ride and agree to on a minibreak where they will continue to not fuck. It is as stupid as it sounds. Dan decides that he wants Serena back (he claims he got sidetracked by Milo, to say nothing of the fact that he told Vanessa he loved her. I don’t even like Vanessa, and I think she deserves better) but gets pissed when he sees that she shared a cab with Colin. Dan shows up in the library to loudly and publicly accuse Serena of having an affair with her prof. When she explains the sitch, Dan thinks that someone worth her time would have dropped the class to be with her. That is what Dan would have done when he was with Serena, for her loved her so. On the list of things Dan would have done when he was with Serena, “moved mountains” does not appear. Not listening to her when she grabs both sides of his face and tells him that girl is evil is on the list. Living in fear that she is a turbo slut and not his most special unicorn in on the list. Ending conversations with some judgement is on there, too, so he does just that by adding that Serena would have realized this sooner if she valued herself at all. Shut up, Dan. Serena promptly breaks it off with Colin for not having dropped the course to be with her, then invites Dan to be her date at the Party Everyone Ends Up At.
I am the best goddamn dancer in the American Ballet Academy. Who the hell are you?
At the Party Everyone Ends Up At, Nate’s still feeling his Vanderbilt oats, so he needles/undermines Dan about just being Serena’s protection from Colin/herself instead of a real date. Sure enough, Colin runs over to Serena and gives her a big kiss, having quit teaching to be with her. It’s only then that Serena sees Dan. She chases after him to apologize, but he accuses her of using him as her beard and says that nothing’s changed. Are you for real, Dan? You’re the one who was with Milo and Vanessa when she came back from France. That’s not on her.
Vanessa charges around the ballet acting like an asshole and an idiot. For starters, she tells Nate exactly what she’s up to with the photos and getting the Serena expelled and Juliet’s part in it. She tries to pounce on DFSL but gets waylaid by a sneak attack from Juliet. Juliet’s made her choice, so Vanessa fights dirty. She shows Juliet a text from Nate that “proves” he was in on the B&E (but not, of course, the one where he called it off) and then points out that Nate is now tattling to Blair. Vanessa claims that Juliet, like her, will always be an outsider to them. So many things wrong with this line of thought that I hardly know where to begin, but let’s just point out that Vanessa is an outsider to them because she runs around doing stupid shit like this and breaking into people’s apartments and hiding secret love children and not just because. Also, Vanessa acts like the NJCB is some kind of flaw on their part, like the idea that you have friends who have your back is wrong. I suppose it might appear that why to someone who is incapable of cultivating that kind of bond. Juliet must be borderline brain-dead because this is enough to get her to turn around and holler at DFSL.
In the craziest turn of events yet, DFSL is not interested in freshmen’s personal lives tonight. Tonight is for the ballet! Also, did Juliet cancel her appointment or did it not yet occur? Anyway, BALLET! Juliet presses on since she has proof about a student-teacher affair. Vanessa waves her memory card around like a moron, so Blair comes up, grabs it, and drops it in her champagne glass. Blair then claims that she was the one who was having an inappropriate relationship with Colin. Chuck corroborates by way of explaining that he has Blair stalked due to his overpowering jealousy. DFSL rudely tells Blair that she should have known Blair was somehow involved with this. Just last week she wanted to have lunch with her for throwing a birthday party. Colin admits that he did quit because of a relationship with a student but who that student is is none of anyone’s business. Ooo, I bet it’s the student you came here with tonight! The responsibility lies with Colin alone. On the whole, I have to agree with that statement. DFSL decides that with conflicting stories and no evidence, there’s nothing to do. She escapes to the ballet! But not before turning to Vanessa and saying, “I’m sorry, who are you?” Question for the ages, Dean.
Outside, Colin chases after Juliet, and the booming way he yells, “You took photos of me?!” is genuinely scary. Juliet tries apologizing/explaining, but Colin. has. Had. IT. Juliet is cut off. She’s about to slink away when the NJBC surrounds her for their turn. She’s not just out of money; she’s out of Columbia. If they catch her on campus again, they will shiv her. Juliet tries an emotional appeal to Nate, but there’s apparently a limit to the number of times you can lie right to his face.
In their cab home, Serena breaks up with Colin. She claims that she got together with him when she was running from someone else. I don’t see how that’s true. Colin’s happy to have quit teaching, though, as he didn’t really care for it. She hopes he meets a nice girl. I like how Serena can be genuine like that.
Outside her building, she calls Dan -- ignoring a call from Nate -- and leaves him a message. It appears that Serena has chosen Dan. She tells him that she’ll be standing around outside her building until he shows up. We see Dan listening to the message with a sweet smile on his face (I’ll give him that) and grabbing his jacket. In the meantime, Nate shows up at Serena’s building. He’s been walking around for however long, during which time he realized Juliet’s game: she was driving a wedge between them the entire time. Even Norma’s is tainted! Somehow, this also made Nate realize that what he really wants is a second chance with Serena. Oh. Naturally, that’s when Dan rolls up in a cab to make some faces.
Let’s be honest, I’ve lost count how many times.
The episode opens with a scene that I won’t dignify with a recap, but I did choose its picture. Chuck and Blair have been having amazing break up sex all over the place for however many days/weeks it’s been since her birthday party. Pretty much every time they run into each other they have sex, and then Blair goes, “We should really stop having sex.” Outside Columbia, this idea confuses Chuck and his expertly tailored suit into thinking that Blair’s no longer into public sex, but she just doesn’t want their friends to find out.
Find out they do when Serena spies a disarrayed Chuck and Blair emerging from a brownstone stairwell. She calls Blair out for having her skirt on backwards, and Blair admits to the whole amazing break up sex scenario. She claims that she can now have meaningless sex with Chuck. Serena, however, thinks that’s a lie and urges Blair to call things off with Chuck before she gets her heart broken again. Blair does so by having sex with Chuck in the back of his limo (aw) and then telling him that was the last time before hopping out. Chuck rolls down the privacy window and tells the driver that they are going to need to stock up on condoms and Dom ’95, so that he can have as much sex as possible with Blair in the next 24 hours. Ew, to be Chuck’s limo driver.
Blair, however, thinks a detox is in order, so she’s hiding in the bath, eating macaroons and ignoring Chuck’s 31 calls. She walks out of her closet dressed for the ballet and find Chuck draped across her bed in her velvet robe, sniffing a macaroon. Thank you, show. Chuck tells her that they have to start immersion therapy immediately, so he hopes she’s done her yoga. Blair thinks that cold turkey is the only way. Fortunately, that’s when Colin shows up to tell Serena he quit and take her to the ballet, so Blair runs off pretending Colin is her date and confounding poor Chuck.
After the party, Chuck and Blair are enjoying their victory in front of a fire. Blair thanks Chuck for coming to her rescue, and Chuck almost tells Blair that she owes him one but thinks the better of it. This means that they are now friends. Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face goes childlike and innocent at the thought. They stand up and hug. The hug goes on a little too long, and Chuck the Sex Vampire gets a whiff of the nape of Blair’s neck. I think we all know where this is going. Sure enough, hugs turn to kissing which turns to scooping Blair up in his arms and carrying her upstairs as quickly as possible. Yay!
The Un-holiest Alliance
Juliet, still in her evening wear, is video chatting with someone about UES takedowns. Turns out that someone is Jenny, who wants to know what she has in mind. The camera pulls back to reveal Vanessa, also still in her evening wear, sitting next to Juliet. Ugh. Ugh for their alliance, ugh for thinking Jenny knows what’s what when she’s already played her trump card, and ugh for not starting with Vanessa introducing them, as would have been appropriate. Actually, that makes sense, as manners are beyond Vanessa. She probably thinks they are too bourgeois.
In other news:
Next time: Masquerade party, which Dan and Nate declare anything goes in their quest to get back into Serena’s pants, and Jenny attempts a takedown of . . . I don’t know. I’m actually pretty confused about what JJV hope to accomplish.
Prole brain trust
Those three are going to crash and burn so spectacularly, it's not even going to be funny. How many times must they lose before they learn that Serena is magic, Chuck and Blair are social ninjas, and Nate is...around? Also, didn't Jenny decide she was above this war like 2 weeks ago?
|Last Updated on Wednesday, 10 November 2010 05:12|