Gossip Girl: What the Chuck?
|Written by April Yorke|
|Tuesday, 23 March 2010 16:19|
Even though last night’s episode, “The Sixteen Year Old Virgin,” was funny, moved things along at a good pace, and used GG voiceovers correctly, it also made no sense. Gossip Girl, who are you trying to play?
Saints be praised, Elizabeth (née Evelyn) is indeed conning Chuck. Evil Uncle Jack Bass returns with a goatee, a smirk, and an axe to grind (how effed up do you have to be that your 19 year-old nephew is your worst enemy?). There’s a multi-plaintiff lawsuit against Empire and Chuck, claiming he’s been sexually harassing the staff. Chuck may have pulled that sort of thing over at the Palace but “not in my hotel, and not to you [Blair].” Aw. Jack claims no responsibility for the lawsuit, but he plans to reap the benefits (methinks he will end up reaping the whirlwind instead). Jack does, however, plant enough doubt Chuck’s mind that Chuck grabs a sneaky DNA sample (Elizabeth’s glass) to send off to the lab. First Blair catches him and is appalled, and then Elizabeth shows up to express disappointment that Chuck won’t trust her and let her in. Are you kidding, show? Are you kidding? I realize that Gossip Girl isn’t Veronica Mars, but the dead mom appears from parts unknown after 20 years of not being involved and suddenly wants a relationship with her billionaire son now that the only person who could identify her (Bart) is dead? The only right thing to do is get a DNA test. Not only that, but Chuck should also have his accountants show him proof the Elizabeth Fisher has been receiving yearly “stay away” payments from Bart.
Anyway, Chuck’s lawyer advises him to sign over the company to someone else until the controversy blows over, and Chuck picks his DNA-confirmed mother (although somehow I doubt that you can get DNA results via text message even if you do “know a guy”). Naturally, Elizabeth is in cahoots with Jack and the lawyer. Woman is out of her mind if she thinks she can win a war against Chuck and Blair.
Nate is Dan
Absolutely everyone and their brother is hell bent on ensuring Jenny and Damien break up before Jenny spends her first time with him. Serena comes up with a ridiculous Blair-plan to seduce Damien and have Jenny walk in on them, only for Damien to decline and admit that he and Jenny have real feelings for each other. Nate, however, decides to turn Jenny over to her dad. This plan goes over like a lead balloon with Blair and Serena, so Nate tells Blair that a girl’s first time is special, something Serena the Turbo Slut wouldn’t understand. Nate’s on speakerphone, so Serena gets that message loud and clear. First he tells her that she wasn’t meant to hear that. When she confronts him later at the Party Where all the Cast Members End Up (yay, show! Back to formula!) about a) how judgemental that is and b) his hypocrisy, Nate first tells Serena that he’s heard the rumours and then lays a guilt trip on her about how he spent his first time with someone he loved, and she disappeared for a year after that. Hey, remember season one, when Serena was going out with Dan, and his constant fear was that she really was a Turbo Slut and not his most special unicorn, and every time he found out something to confirm that fear, he’d throw it in her face and make her grovel for his forgiveness, as if she owed him an apology for her past/her sexuality? Yeah, me, too. Nate and Serena make up in the end, and he’s had a legitimate reason to feel hurt, but this argument showed an ugly side to Nate that I’d rather not know about.
Dan is Nate
Despite the full-on Humphrey ridiculousness of Dan drawing a map to indicate where he and Vanessa are just friends and where they are friends with benefits (tellingly, all of the UES is a friends-zone), Dan eventually realizes what a bonehead he’s been and very sweetly tells Vanessa that he wants to go public with their relationship. Dan’s being sweet? Nate’s a sexist? What the hell is going on with this episode?