Gossip Girl: You Can't Have a Season Finale Without Georgina Sparks
|Written by April Yorke|
|Tuesday, 18 May 2010 09:11|
Georgina spends a lot of time lurking around the action in Gossip Girl's season three finale, "Last Tango, Then Paris," but that's only because she's bidding her time. Girl likes to make an impact. Why else would she wear such a massive fur coat and a blonde wig? Anyway, Gossip Girl starts the hour blah blah blahing about how everyone gets what's coming to them eventually, so everyone makes up and breaks up approximately one hundred times, and Dorota has her baby.
Last (Relationship) Tango
Men of the UES and Brooklyn fall asleep fully clothed while nattering with blondes. Nate wakes up with Jenny sitting on his bed, once again trying and failing to work the men's dress shirt and knee socks look. Nate fell asleep while they were talking, for which he is sorry, but he makes it clear to Jenny that nothing is going to happen between them. He loves Serena. Jenny says she gets it, so you know she so does not. Chuck comes in with a tray of either espresso or hair of the dog, and I love Chuck that much more because I can't tell which. He ribs them for not having sex and encourages them to go have that sex (right in front of him? Probably), but it's all for naught. Jenny's going back to Brooklyn, where we all hope she stays for eternity.
Back in Brooklyn, Jenny finds Dan and Serena sleeping in Dan's bed with two feet between them and Dan fully clothed on top of the covers. While it's obvious to anyone with eyes that that configuration means "nothing happened here," Jenny snaps a pic and sends it in to Gossip Girl. She takes off before Dan and Serena wake up, who also apparently talked the night away until Serena fell asleep on Dan's arm and trapped him there (seriously, he hasn't figured that maneuver out yet? Shut up, Dan). They also kissed once or for 10 minutes, but it doesn't matter to them (or to me), so they'll just keep it on the d/l.
Shortly thereafter, we're treated to montage of everyone receiving the GG blast with the Jenny photo, and aw! Gossip Girl blasts and how they make a difference in our characters lives! Show, I've missed you. Serena's off to Empire to apologize to Nate, while Dan wonders how he's going to stay ahead of this as far as Vanessa/Haiti is concerned. Dan figures out it was Jenny, who tells Serena, who tells Blair, and that's all Blair needs to head down to Brooklyn to hand deliver the smack down Jenny so richly deserves.
Said smack down, by the way, is amazing: Blair points out that Jenny is so fucked up that she's now actively trying to destroy even the people she nominally cares about (in this case, Dan and Vanessa). Everyone else is paired off and in love, and no one loves Jenny except maybe Rufus but probably not because Jenny sucks so hard. Rufus is under the hilariously mistaken impression that he sent Jenny to Brooklyn last night to stay with Dan (Rufus is so bad at parenting he's practically avant garde) and comes up with the brilliant idea that he should go to the loft where he knew she was not last night in order to wait her out. He shows up just as Blair finishes her smack down and offers one of his own: Jenny's going to spend the summer and indeed the rest of high school in Hudson with her mom, the only person who's a worse parent than Rufus (I was going to nominate Lily, but she at least acknowledges that she has children). Jenny claims that the city is the only thing she has left (really? and what does that mean?), but Rufus doesn't budge.
Outside the loft, Blair runs into the third Humphrey and is delighted to be able to deliver yet another smack down. She calls Dan out on sucking, but Dan decides to take Blair aside and start blah blah blahing about signs and how after a while you can't ignore them. Dan thinks the universe is sending him signs to get back together with Serena? Give me one example, Humphrey. Blair sneers that "signs are for the religious, the superstitious, and the lower class," which means she's confronted with the Empire State Building once again. She sends Cameron on his merry way and tells Dorota that they need to go meet Chuck, but Dorota is too busy going into labour. Dan and Blair hustle her into the limo and off to the hospital.
Back at Empire, Chuck warns Serena (kindly, of course, because Serena is his sister, and they love each other) that she should only bother trying to make up with Nate if she's really sure he's the one she wants to be with. Then he goes back to picking out an outfit for the An Affair to Remember rendez-vous while a several bouquets of peonies arrive for Chuck to choose from. Aw. Anyway, Nate loves Serena, Serena loves Nate, they want to work their shit out.
At the hospital, Dan and Serena talk about their kiss again some more, which Nate overhears. He tells them that people only kiss to express their feelings for one another (is Nate a 12 year-old girl?), so they need to figure out who has feelings for who but quick. In the meantime, Nate will forward the GG blast to Vanessa. Thanks, Nate! Dan and Serena have a heart-to-heart in front of the baby room and again in a waiting area in which Dan suggests that Serena has little more to offer the world than good looks because of her Daddy Issues (shut up, Dan), Serena espouses her belief that Dan is smarter than everyone else (no, that's Blair), and they have completely forgotten the incredibly stupid, unnecessarily complicated romantic relationship they did have and replaced it with one that was simple and exciting because they started out as strangers instead of lifelong friends.
In the end, Serena opts to tell Nate that he's the one she loves and wants to be with, but she thinks they should take a break, so she can get herself in order. Nate agrees that she does need to pull herself together, but then he gets gross about how he "found it in his heart to forgive her for kissing another guy" but still got dumped. He tells her that she needs to be in this relationship, or he walks. Serena chooses herself, so Nate's done.
Chuck waits and waits at the top of the Empire State Building, looking resplendent in his blue suit. Next time we see him, he's drinking in the dark back at Empire, interrupted by Jenny looking for Nate because she's so sad, etc. If you didn't realize what was going to happen as soon as Jenny showed up, I don't know what to do with you. Chuck and Jenny commiserate about their very bad days, and the entire time Chuck's like, "You can stay if you want, but the longer you stay, the greater the chance that I will fuck you." Jenny opts to stay, and Chuck warns her about 12 times that fucking with commence any second now, so you can't be surprised when they fuck. Worst of all is the knowledge that a simple text from Blair to Chuck would have prevented all of this.
In the meantime, after the baby is born, Dorota tells Blair to go meet Chuck, but all she finds at the Empire State Building is peonies in a garbage can. Blair actually picks them up and carries them around, which is sort of not a Blair thing to do but kind of cool in its own way.
Later, Chuck is so incredibly depressed that he even offers to let Jenny stay the night. It looks like they are just going to go to sleep (Chuck sleeps in his purple paisley bathrobe? A) he would be back to black after this night and B) bathrobes are not pajamas, which we know Chuck wears). Naturally, the elevator dings at that exact moment, and Chuck comes out of his room to find Blair. The way he hastily closes the door behind him and then lies that no one is in there is disheartening. Blair explains that she didn't want to meet him but then she did, but then Dorota went into labour. Ed Westwick's exquisitely expressive face goes from guarded to confused to elated, and all of our hearts sink. This is not going to end well. I believe there was an open mouthed smile, like when does that ever happen?
Jenny makes her escape without Blair noticing but not before she realizes she had to strip the sheets. Man, that was a gut punch.
Everybody is back at the hospital, where Eric finds a crying Jenny in the chapel and informs her that she's still his sister/best friend no matter what. Jenny talks elliptically about Chuck and a mistake, but everyone knows what Chuck + mistake equals. It's then that Jenny reveals that she never slept with drug dealer Demian, and Eric starts to worry for real about just how deeply fucked up Jenny is. He runs off to find Dan but tells him he'll have to get the story from Jenny himself. Dan goes to meet Jenny.
A reunited and absolutely dapper looking Chuck and Blair arrive at the hospital. Chuck stops, takes a deep breath, and pulls out a little black box. Pretty much everyone tears up about how badly this is going to turn out. Chuck launches into a speech about how he's hurt Blair in the past but never will again, so Dan storms up and punches Chuck in the face. Dan's all, "How dare you!" All it takes is one look at the makeup running down Jenny's face for Blair to figure out what's what. Just as Rufus and Lily roll up and Rufus blah blah blahs about bagel chips because he is just that clueless, Blair bans Jenny from the island of Manhattan, never to be seen or heard from again or else Blair will destroy her. Jenny apologizes to Blair, and Dan ridiculously says that she has nothing to be sorry for because denying his sister all agency helps him sleep at night. The Humphreys motor. Chuck goes into damage control mode, explaining that he believed he had lost Blair forever, and Jenny was there (essentially), but apparently sleeping with Jenny is worse than being prostituted for real estate. Blair is full-on for real this time finished with Chuck. Yup, that went just about as poorly as it possibly could.
A week later, Blair's packing for Paris for the summer and convinces Serena that she should come too, as Paris is a far better way to find yourself or whatever than "doing a cleanse, yoga, maybe keeping a dream journal," which is what Serena had planned.
Nate calls Dan, and they both hold their breath like toddlers waiting for the other to apologize. Nate is better bred than Dan, however, so he apologizes first for his dick move of sending the pic to Vanessa. Nate reveals that he and Serena broke up. Dan apologizes for the part he played in that. Vanessa's not talking to him, so he's going to write her an epic apology email (so much for their stupid long hand plan), which he plans to use to explain his feelings for Serena to himself (shut up, Dan). Nate, however, is in possession of Chuck's little black book while Mr. Bass is in Prague, so he's decided to deal with his broken heart via threeways with call girls. I wouldn't be surprised if Chuck's little black book is more like a Michelin guide to the hookers of the greater NYC area with star ratings and little symbols indicating who does what and who will do what for a little extra.
Dan sits down to write this apology email, but the knowledge that Serena is single is too tantalizing. He calls her but pretends it was just to chat when Serena says that she and Blair are off for Paris (Blair in a little sailor's outfit). They are already drunk in the limo on the way to the airport, so much so that Blair yells that she too will miss Humphrey. Aw, I think she will miss him a little. Dan quickly looks up flight times to head Serena off at the airport, so Georgina appears, sans blonde wig, and demands Dan's help with a little something. Specifically her hugely pregnant belly, which she claims is Dan's spawn.
Now, Georgie went to Chuck and Blair for help first and with actual fear, so she obviously has a much larger problem than Dan's spawn (although Humphrey spawn is bad enough). My guess is that there's a Russian mobster-type involved, and she either tried to pawn Dan's spawn off as his, really is pregnant with Russian mobster spawn, or faked a Russian mobster spawn. No matter what, I hope Dan takes advantage of this wonderful thing we call a DNA test.
For Jenny, however, there is no Paris. She gets shipped off to Hudson where she belongs and should stay forever.
And for Chuck, he's somehow so depraved that even prostitutes in Prague are grossed out by him. He gets mugged in an alley, which is just fine with him until the muggers try to take Blair's engagement ring (which is beautiful when we finally get a glimpse, rest assured). The muggers take umbrage to Chuck not wanting to give up absolutely everything of value on his person, so they shoot him. Chuck lies bleeding at episode's end.
The Good Stuff
Overall, this season was more miss than hit, but this episode showed Gossip Girl in fine form and is currently the candidate for the show's best season finale. The Jenny-virginity stuff was well handled. Everyone circling the wagons about it earlier this season was really gross and weird, but it set the foundation for Jenny to be more upset about the way in which she did it than she ever was about any of her zero rapes. Everyone seemed to be acting more in character in this episode than they have in a long time. Blair should smack people down, even if she has to go all the way to Brooklyn to do it. Anything less would be uncivilized.
The Bad Stuff
For the love of peace, we do not want to yet another Dan and Serena go round. I don't care about them as a couple. They have run their course and made a really good brother-sister combo earlier this season.
Also -- and I never thought I'd say this -- but enough Cyrus Rose. He's become a parody of himself. When we found out that Cyrus and Elanor were waiting around in New York for Dorota's baby to be born (a girl named Anastasia) before they returned to Paris but still expected the hugely pregnant Dorota to work and had not even considered hiring someone to temporarily replace her, I lost it. First off, why are you even there? Go back to Paris, this has nothing to do with you. Secondly, you are just now starting to wonder if Dorota might need some help around the house? Yeah, she might need a day or two to recover from childbirth. By the time Cyrus is screaming "Not enough!" at Dorota during her labour, I checked out. Elanor threatened to never return to Paris while cooing over the baby, and I thought, "Please let that not be true." Just go away you two. Bring back Blair's two gay dads if you want her to have a parental figure in her life.
Also also, I sincerely doubt that Chuck's life is in danger. I do wonder if he'll have PTSD come the fall or if Serena or Blair will have spent her summer abroad at his bedside.
I did overall like this episode. I did have issues with the seriously fugly coat they kept Blair in for nearly the entire episode, even indoors. Also, the baby belly on Georgina was the worst I've ever seen on tv.
|Last Updated on Tuesday, 08 June 2010 06:23|