Vampire Diaries: There is No Such Thing as Bad Ideas, only poorly executed AWESOME Ones
|Written by April Yorke|
|Wednesday, 23 February 2011 22:52|
OH SHIT! If you watched last week’s The Vampire Dairies, “The Dinner Party,” and didn’t yell “OH SHIT!” at least once, something is wrong with you. Can you kill an Original is the question on everyone’s mind tonight, and, boy, does that question get answered. Spectacularly. I don’t even want to say anything else, lest I give too much away before the jump, so let’s say this: Nobody, and I mean NO BODY, does sweeps like The Vampire Diaries. Show, marry me.
Jeremy and Bonnie’s Plot is Short, So Let’s Hit It
Jeremy and Bonnie are, mysteriously, in public and not off having sex after their way hot kiss last week. I don’t understand Bonnie’s resolve when it comes to that boy. Last week one of my viewing companions pointed out that something Steven R. McQueen excels at is acting just completely thunderstruck by whoever Jeremy is into that week. I concur. Luka’s all, “Hey, what did you do to me?” And Bonnie can’t very well be like, “Tapped your brain for secrets. Sorry about your sister!”, so she plays dumb. It goes over like a lead balloon, so Jeremy jumps in all, “Stay away from my woman!”
Later that night, at the Gilbert Rez, Bonnie comes over for some spelling, and Jeremy has loaded up the living room with candles and a roaring fire. Aw, Jer. Calm your mones. Bonnie has the same reaction, claiming she needs to talk to Elena before pursuing a relationship. While Jeremy minorly bitches about needed his sister-cousin’s permission, he accepts this. Good play, Jeremy. Jer and Bonnie get witchy by the fireplace, Bonnie drawing all the fire from the candles and fireplace into her palms and then putting it back. Jer is, as always, totally impressed and slightly turned on by her prowess. Bonnie explains that witches can channel for power: each other, the moon, the elements. Jeremy suggests that Bonnie channel him, and Bonnie goes all, “Buh? You are not a man-witch?” Jer reminds her that humans are, like, 70% water, so she could channel the water in him. Bonnie agrees to try, and things start to get a little sexy, with the two of them kneeling and facing each other and Bonnie’s hand on Jer’s chest, and damn it! That’s when the Good Doctor busts in. TGD telekinetically pins Jeremy on the wall as soon as he gets a “What are you doing here?” out. TGD’s got some interrogating to do! Bonnie won’t admit what, exactly, she did to Luka, but she does say, “I know about your daughter, and I want to help!” Too far, it would seem, as TGD grabs Bonnie’s face, latinates some, and draws a white puff of air out of her. Oh, NO! He storms out, and, in a move I have to admit it pretty badass, lifts up his right hand, gently flicks his fingers over his shoulder, and the door closes soundly behind him. As soon as TGD’s gone, Jeremy’s released and lands on his feet like a cat. The reflexes on this kid. Bonnie’s melting down, and Jeremy tries to comfort her, but there’s not a lot he can do when she ekes out that TGD took her powers. Bastard. I hope they get him for that.
The Sadly Keanu-less Lakehouse
Chillin’ like villains at the lakehouse, Stefan and Elena take a trip back in time. Specifically to Stefan’s salad days as a vampire, courtesy of Original Recipe Johnathan [sic] Gilbert’s famous Vampire Diaries. At some point he mysteriously wrote, “I know who killed me: Stefan Salvatore,” and let me just tell you that that makes no sense. Did he write it from beyond the grave? Is that how he managed to churn out so many diaries and short stories and prose poems? Also, why are the diaries there when last we saw them Jer had them at Gilbert Rez? I think I’ll just toss down a blanket decision that nothing about Johnathan Gilbert will ever make sense and move on. Right so, evil Stefan, back when he was on the juice.
So Stefan and Damon are still living in Mystic Falls, in the Salvatore Boarding House, like complete morons. Stefan’s feasting on every eligible young lady in sight, and Damon’s pretty pissed, given that they are being hunted. So basically role reversal from current day: Stefan’s wild, and Damon’s cautious. Stefan’s like, “Let’s kill all these ladies together, bro! It’ll be sweet!” and Damon’s like, “What incorrigible manners! Blood upon the chaise lounge!” He compels the ladies to leave and forget they ever saw this place, and Stefan whines that Damon is hashing his buzz. Damon, delusional as ever, says that they need to blend in and be careful, like Katherine. Stefan snarks, “Look how well that turned out for her,” and Damon all but smacks him across the face with his glove. He’s leaving! Stefan turns on a dime, grabbing Damon and cooing like all good addicts about how he can stop, he can stop any time, he’ll be better now, he promises, but it’s all for naught. Damon can’t take this anymore.
Later, Stefan’s eating up all the poor wounded soldiers in a MASH and sees a hooded young lady walking through the woods. Naturally, Stefan pursues, but, when it’s time to pounce, he gets pounced instead! Whoo, Lexi! Aw, pour one out. I miss you, Lexi! Right, so, she’s immediately like, “What kind of a moron are you?” And Stefan’s like, “Um, the kind you take under your wing?” True story. Lexi points out that what he’s doing is very obvious, very messy, and very silly, and she’s going to put a stop to all those things. First things first, Stefan’s got to turn his feelings back on because that’s the key to being a good little vampire. It’ll hurt like hell, but eventually he’ll be able to love. Loving as vampire, apparently, is one hell of a high. Stefan’s in because, really, how can you resist Lexi?
Back at the Salvatore Boarding House, Stefan brings Lexi home to his drawing room o’ corpses. He gestures limply to the strewn bodies and mumbles, “I meant to dispose of those.” Lexi’s not pleased to see he’s a ripper (referring, I believe, to his messy style of eating), but she’s perfectly willing to start at square one with this baby vamp. Sometime later, I believe, Damon finds Lexi in the now-empty drawing room. He asks if she’s the vampire Stefan’s been bitching about, and Lexi asks if he’s the brother who hates Stefan. Ah, had each other’s numbers from the start. Lexi hints at but never outwardly states that she could help raise Damon, too, but he’s already got his case at the door. Lexi warns Damon that the hate he is barely keeping at bay will eventually consume him (unless he learns to forgive or move on). Damon’s not having any. Still, he pauses and shakily asks that Lexi look after his little brother, for he needs it. Aw. I wonder when Damon made the full shift from hating Stefan from afar to actively tormenting him. Remember when Damon wanted the two of them to run away from Mystic Falls together last season and Stefan was like, “Are you for real?” AW, they’ve come so far.
The Dinner Party
Yes, there really is one. Elijah’s back to “researching” with Jenna. Alaric fears this is code for killing Jenna and gets to stalking, which Jenna interprets as jealousy. John’s still pouring the poison in re: Alaric’s many secrets, and Jenna’s starting to crack. In the meantime, Damon sure would like to know if this Original-killing dagger is the real deal.
And who better to ask than Katherine? Now that she’s the only vamp who can get stuck in the tomb, Damon waltzes in to find Katherine slumped over unconscious. He revives her, then gives her some blood and a change of clothes. Damon tries to insult her looks, but it’s weak sauce, and she knows it. Poor guy. Why he doesn’t just stake her is a mystery. I bet it would make his life a lot less complicated. He tells her about his genius plan to kill Elijah, and Katherine freaks out. If he does that, she’ll be stuck in there forever. She goes on and on about it, begging him not to and offering her help in killing him if Damon will only get her out first. This is all the confirmation Damon needs. He’s off to kill Elijah.
Action News Andie gets to live for yet another episode as Damon’s girlfriend/pin cushion. Damon convinces/compels her to set up a dinner party for everyone: Jenna, Alaric, Elijah, Andie, Damon. At this party, the men will retire for brandy and cigars, at which time Damon will run Elijah through with dagger. Alaric, ever the smart one, worries that this is a bad idea. Damon begs to differ: “There’s no such thing as bad ideas, only poorly executed awesome ones.” John invites himself over because he’s a loser like that.
Jenna worries to Andie that Alaric might be harbouring some dangerous secrets. Andie takes one look at the situation and surmises that if the intel came from John, it came with an agenda. Jenna should stick with Alaric. Would that Jenna would stick with Andie on this.
At the table, the conversation turns to Elijah’s research. Seems he’s looking for the exact location where those lovely townsfolk burned witches (or at least Emily) at the stake. It’s clear that it’s a necessary part of curse-breaking ritual. On cue, Andie suggests that the men retire for brandy and cigars in front of the Eternal Fireplace while she and Jenna prep dessert. Jenna kind of balks at the anachronism of this one, while Alaric calls his limit at nine bottles of wine (please invite me to your dinner parties any time) and offers to help with the dishes instead.
Elena and Stefan learn from Johnathan’s Journals that he was researching how to kill an Original. Why? Did he know one? At any rate, it confirms that the dagger and ash combo is the way to go.
In front of Eternal Fireplace, Damon is nervously prepping his bar, now complete with danger and white oak ash. Too bad that Stefan’s just learned that the dagger must be wielded by a human, lest it kill the vampire who holds it. He frantically calls Damon’s cell, but there’s no answer. Whatcha gonna do, Stefan? Run real fast? Nope, just call Alaric. Alaric bursts in on the brandy scene and scribbles a “the dagger will kill you” note to Damon while Elijah’s back’s turned. Chagrined, Damon tosses the note in the fire. John’s gonna pay for setting him up like that.
They all had back to the dining table for coffee and dessert. While Jenna’s in the kitchen, Andie asks if she could interview Elijah about his research. He agrees. Andie asks Alaric to grab her notebook, but he’s taking too long, so she goes to grab it herself. Looks like Alaric got “notebook” confused with “dagger” and “interview” with “stab.” That’s right, Alaric walks up quickly and stabs Elijah through the chair. Badass! Alaric’s bagged himself an Original! Except probably not because we’re only halfway through the episode.
Anyway, Alaric’s pretty quickly like, “Saw the opening and took it, now shift the body before Jenna comes out of that kitchen.” Damon deposits Elijah’s tarped body in the vervain/self-pity cellar. No sooner has he done so then he gets a call from Stefan. Johnathan’s Journals revealed yet another crucial detail: the Original will only be dead so long as the dagger is in place. Damon races back downstairs, but Elijah’s already gone.
Elijah blows open the door at TGD’s place and doesn’t even give him a chance to ask what happened. He needs to know where Elena is now. Oh, that Elena tracker was permanent? That’s kind of cool. Or maybe that’s why TGD stole so much stuff, so he could replicate the results. Good science.
Stefan and Elena have no time to get away when Stefan hears Elijah pick up some stones outside and pull the same trick he did with the windows at Slater’s cafe. Elijah breaks a hole through the door. Elena points out that so long as she’s alive, she’ll never invite him in. Elijah reminds her that he’s a vampire, so he’s got all the time in the world to wait. He’s willing to bet that a hidden Stefan will get hungry before Elijah does. Behind a wall partition, Stefan and Elena exchange a look, so Elena tries a different tack. She’s willing to renegotiate: she’ll do whatever he wants, and he won’t seek revenge against her previously protected loved ones. Elijah says no dice. Elena pulls out a dagger and says she’s just going to spill her precious Petrova blood all over the cabin’s hardwood floors, then. Elijah calls bullshit. Stefan would never let her die. Elena’s factored that in, though: Stefan will feed her his blood to save her, and she’ll kill herself. She’ll become a vampire, just like Katherine, and then where will Elijah be? Elijah thinks it over for a minute, unable to see Stefan to get a read on him, and decides to call Elena’s bluff. Elena takes a deep breath and plunges the dagger into what looks like either her lower abdomen or upper thigh. I think at first that she’s stabbed a blood bag or some other theatrical thing, but it’s not the case. She starts to crumple, and Elijah smashes himself into the invisible barrier between them, relenting. “Promise me,” Elena demands as she stumbles forward. Elijah promises and catches Elena just as she comes tumbling through the door. Elena yanks out the dagger and plunges it anew: this time into Elijah’s chest.
Elena just bagged herself an Original! And the very one she made a deal with! Finally, girl’s got her fight back. I love Elena so much, you guys. Wait, where’d she get her very own Original-killing dagger? In the Gilbert’s vampire bondage closet? Oh, no, from Damon, who is just now stepping out from behind the door. He must have run it up there with vamp-speed. Stefan rushes out, rips open his wrist, and presses it to Elena’s mouth as Damon points to Elijah’s chest and tells everyone to leave the dagger in this time.
Never Listen to Your Ex
Back at Gilbert Rez, Jenna’s decided that she’s had enough. She asks Alaric what happened to Isobel’s body. When he won’t answer her, Jenna ends things. She walks off with tears in her eyes while Alaric starts to rock a little, trying to figure out what how much he can tell Jenna to get her back and whether he should. John’s been there the entire time, natch, and compounds the losses by once again demanding his ring back. Instead of inviting the little weasel to come get it like I would have, Alaric pulls it off and leaves the ring on the counter. John’s going to need it, Alaric reasons, now that Damon knows John tried to set him up. Delicious.
Eternal Fireplace. Up in his room, Damon hears the shower running. Andie? Nope, out steps a very naked Katherine. Even wet, her hair has more curl than Elena’s. Seems she knew if she begged him not to kill Elijah, he surely would, thereby releasing her from the tomb. Nevertheless, Kat’s willing to hold up her end of the bargain and would like nothing more than a towel or robe for her troubles. Damon can do nothing but stare, agog, at this fresh hell.
In other news:
Next time: Katherine’s out, and it’s getting confusing for Damon, Stefan, and Elena. Jenna gets drunk.
|Last Updated on Thursday, 24 February 2011 06:38|