Power Play: How Sexual Norms Shape Attitudes on Sex and Pleasure

Having sex is always fun and fulfilling for me. Usually, what really gets me going (whether I'm with my partner or by myself) is that feeling that I'm doing something "bad." The more sex I have that leaves me thinking "good girls don't do this!!," the happier I am. Apparently, I'm not alone. Research done by Kelly James, an assistant professor of sociology and anthropology at Winthrop University, explains how some people feel pleasure from the positive interpretation of a ‘naughty' sex act. By engaging in these deviant sex acts, some people derive more pleasure than they would if they were engaging in "conforming sex."

These notions of naughty vs. nice when it comes to sexual activity reflect the powerful influence of culturally constructed norms. When it comes to sex, these norms affect our behaviour and our thinking in different ways, like what we perceive to be "sexy" or what we think of as "normal."

To make any sense of it all, today's sexual norms need to be contextualized by exploring where they come from; how they may be changing; and how they can make an impact on our lives. Taking all of this into consideration, the optimist in me believes we can shift sexual norms in a more positive direction for everyone.

Understanding where sexual norms come from, or more specifically, who drives them, often provides an explanation for why they are the way they are. Usually, social/cultural constructs are made by people in power, typically white, middle/upper class heterosexual men. It's no surprise, then, that male-dominated religion, an influential source of power in our society, is often viewed as responsible for many norms that have traditionally influenced our attitudes about sex, and continue to do so today. Understandably, these norms tend to be especially problematic for women and gay, lesbian, bi, transsexual, and transgender people, and, really, anyone who's questioning their sexuality or gender. Major religions have condemned homosexuality and that sexist fixation on women's virginity has no doubt played a part in the "girls that ‘give it up' are sluts" mentality that still permeates our culture.

I realize, though, that sexual norms are changing. For example, we're seeing this reflected in our laws (rights for same-sex marriage!) and in our intimate socialization (goodbye dating, hello hooking up). Even the locus of power for creating shifts in our sexual norms may be changing. Some would argue, like writer Ariel Levy, that women are pushing and perpetuating a "raunch culture." As she says, "Only thirty years (my lifetime) ago, our mothers were 'burning their bras' and picketing Playboy, and suddenly we were getting implants and wearing the bunny logo as supposed symbols of our liberation" (2005, p.3).

Whether they are traditional or born in the age of Britney Spears and Will & Grace, today's norms are powerful shapers of our sexual attitudes, whether we see it or not. Here are a few examples:

"Old People Sex"

OK, so I don't want to picture my grandparents having sex either, but the fact that our culture overwhelmingly neglects senior sexuality is doing a disservice to their health and well-being and narrows our understanding of sexuality. Blanche Devereaux from TV's Golden Girls and Mona Robinson from Who's the Boss stand out in my mind as women in their golden years that were portrayed as sexual women. In my opinion, these two characters aren't really normalizing elderly sexuality. For one thing, their lifestyles (fully active, wealthy) aren't reflective of the majority of senior women in reality, who tend to be more house-bound and in lower income brackets. Additionally, they were both characterized as vixens. As a matter of fact, both are described in Wikipedia as "man-hungry," which seems like a typecast role to me.

Still, it's commendable that there are some references in pop culture to elderly sexuality, but those shows have been off the air for years now.  While there are some examples here and there in today's TV shows and movies, these characters are usually heterosexual and/or typecast in some way. The dominant narrative still exists - old people aren't sexual.

I don't know about you, but I plan on being sexual well into my wrinkly years. If no one's knocking on my nursing home door, I'll want to be able to easily get my hands on sex toys that my arthritic body can use comfortably. What I won't want is to encounter ageism with my healthcare professionals or in my long-term care facility, especially when I'm trying to talk about or experience my sexual self.

A question of ability

Images of people who are differently-abled enjoying a healthy sex life are also rare. Though, I guess to see these images, we would need to actually see people who are differently-abled period. There was Corky. And, if I remember correctly, he was dating a girl at one point. Funny, I used to watch the show for the pleasant rendition of Ob-la-di Ob-la-da -- who knew that Life Goes On was such a progressive show in terms of sexual messaging? Let's not forget that Becca and Jesse dated even though he was HIV+.

Degrassi: The Next Generation touches on the issue of ability and sexuality with the character Jimmy, who used a wheelchair. Of course, this theme was seriously explored for just a couple of episodes. Two examples. That's not saying much.

As the story goes with marginalization, this is yet another diverse group that is less likely to receive the information, resources, and support they need to fully and safely enjoy their sexuality.

The Almighty Penis

Our society and culture still seem so focussed on the almighty penis. Penile-vaginal intercourse is still overwhelmingly viewed as the norm for sexual activity, much to the exclusion of, well, a whole lot of fun options for everybody.

In her book on the history of the vibrator (I'm serious, read it!), Rachel Maines begins by establishing how our view of sexual intercourse arising in Ancient Greece centered on penile-vaginal penetration to the point of male orgasm. When it comes to male-female sexual relations, this understanding of sex serves to deprive women of pleasure because there's no opportunity for female orgasm since clitoral stimulation is completely neglected. When the normative discourse about sex treats the male orgasm as the ultimate goal of sex play, it's no wonder women having sex with men are reporting low libidos in a recent consumer poll.

"Real Sex" vs. Fake Sex?

There's a bit of an interesting phenomenon in the heterosexual world where "real sex" (at least among every hetero I know) equals penis-vagina penetrative intercourse. Lisa Remez, associate editor of Family Planning Perspectives, affirms that "the tendency to equate "sex" with intercourse alone represents long-standing cultural norms of acceptable sexual behavior."

I just don't get why this approach still persists. So if oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, fisting, and all of the other ways we can get off and enjoy sexual pleasure aren't real sex, they're... fake?

For some people who value abstinence, the idea that forms of sexual activity don't count as ‘real sex' may serve them well (for more, read Hanne Blank's "The Process-Oriented Virgin" in which she celebrates the idea that people can define their virginity according to their own terms). The general concern among policymakers, health care practitioners, and sex educators, however, is that these people may be more at risk for STIs that are obtainable without ever having intercourse. After all, if common discourse and education focus on the sex = intercourse equation, people may miss out on the info they need to reduce risks while they're rolling around the sack in a different way (or on the pool table, in the parking lot... whatever).

This normative understanding of ‘real sex' is also problematic because it limits the way we view pleasure. Not to mention the obvious consequence that this normative view of sex is heteronormative, marginalizing a significant portion of our population.

For the sake of good, healthy sex, it's time we think outside the box (no pun intended) and widen our understanding and appreciation of the myriad of ways we can be sexual. And folks, if you regard the variety of sexual activities as real sex, you can count on getting lucky more often.

So, what to do about the all-powerful norms that narrow our views of sexuality and perpetuate anti-pleasure cultural attitudes? It's time we work on a new narrative -- a sex positive narrative, in fact.

During her keynote address at the Southplains Leatherfest, the Executive Director of the Center for Sex Positive Culture in Seattle described sex positivity as "an attitude towards human sexuality that regards all consensual sexual activities as fundamentally healthy and pleasurable, and encourages sexual pleasure and experimentation." The sex-positive movement promotes these attitudes, while also advocating for comprehensive sex education and safer sex.

Living sex positively can help us enjoy our sexuality more. Being sex positive can enable us to embrace all kinds of sex play (gasp!) without shame. Being sex positive can help us be less judgmental. You can start living sex positively by talking to your friends. Talk about sex - what you like to do and not to do; what turns you on; what really turns you on. Talk about what you think and fear and desire. Most importantly, be open and never doubt the power you have to challenge and change the prevailing norms. Happy sex-ing.

References:

Blank, H. (2008). The process-oriented virgin. In J. Friedman & J. Valenti (Eds.) Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape (pp.287-298). Berkley, CA: Seal Press.

Maines, R.P. (1999). The Technology of Orgasm: "Hysteria," the Vibrator and Women's Sexual Satisfaction. Baltimore: John Hopkins University Press.

Remez, L. (2000). Oral sex among adolescents: Is it sex or is it abstinence? Family Planning Perspectives, 32(6).

James, K. (2007). Sexual pleasure. In S. Seidman, N. Fischer & C. Meeks (Eds.) Introducing the New Sexuality Studies: Original Essays and Interviews (pp.45-50).

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