Words to live by, Stefan. Last night’s new The Vampire Dairies, “Daddy Issues,” mostly had nothing to do with Uncle Daddy (and his spiffy new ‘do) and more to do with how vampires and werewolves and can learn to be friends if they could act more like Stefan and Caroline (and dearly departed Mason, for that matter). Stefan tries for a truce, but it all goes awry when Caroline gets kidnapped. Damon bookends the episode with time in the shower and tub, and Elena wears a ponytail all episode long. Aside from a few expositionary retcons, another delightful episode from this compulsively watchable series.

When in doubt, put Damon in the shower

The camera’s lovingly worshiping Damon’s wet form in his fabulous, spacious glassed in shower with rain shower water head, and, man alive, I bet Damon designed this room himself. The camera is sadly interrupted by the heretofore unseen MASSIVE tv in Damon’s room feeding us the news about, among other things, the missing girl Damon totally murdered last week. Oops! Everyone’s watching that same thing over at Gilbert rez because they all love breakfast television. Well, Uncle Daddy does. Elena and her ponytail (!) are too busy pumping him for information about what he’s doing there. He’s saved from having to answer his daughter’s questions by Jenna’s entrance and extremely righteous anger at seeing John again. Alaric takes about ten seconds to bolts. Heh. Unfortunately, Jenna tries to tell John that he has no right, essentially, so John tells her that as Elena’s biological dad, he’s got plenty of them. At this point, my viewing companion and I get into a disagreement about having rights v. having to go to court to assert those rights, but I seem to recall that John and Jenna were co-guardians and that John just never stepped up. Anyway, pointless. John’s there because Jenna is incapable of observing who spends the night at her house.

Eternal Fireplace. Damon’s bitching at Stefan for bringing John back, but Stefan lays it out pretty reasonably: Katherine pointed him toward Isobel, that got him John, and can they really trust Elijah? Damon’s all ready to just go kill John, and Stefan barely gets a chance to talk him out of it before he gets a 911 text from Caroline. He does, however, find some time to point out that Damon is feeling a bunch of feelings re: Rose, which Damon unconvincingly denies. I suppose their scenes can be something of a rehash (Damon: Let’s kill so-and-so. Stefan: Let’s not. Stefan: You have feelings. Damon: No, I don’t), Somerhalder and Wesley are always so good together. Confidential to Damon: if you are looking for someone to kill, kill Jules.

For, you see, Caroline’s on her way to school when she closes the door, steels herself, and turns around to face Tyler, who she knows is standing there. It doesn’t take long for him to call her out on murdering Mason. While she wasn’t an active participant, she certainly knew about it the entire time. Tyler’s pissed and gets slammy but takes off before things get too violent. When Stefan shows up, Caroline’s come up with a plan: Stefan’s going to talk to Tyler because he’s good at that. Aw, I forgot how wonderful these two are together! Family! It’s so warm.

Meanwhile, back at the Gilbert rez, Uncle Daddy gives Elena a bracelet that belonged to her real mommy, Melinda. He reminds Elena that when she lost her mom and dad, he lost his brother and sister-in-law, too. Things start to chill, and Uncle Daddy takes off. Damon arrives under a cloud of threats and stops short to inquire after Elena, who looks out of sorts. Okay, what she actually looks is in need of a hug, and Damon seems inclined to give one to her, but instead they both just stand there. And while I’m not big on Elena/Damon, that’s some nicely done acting. Damon and Elena agree that they can’t trust Uncle Daddy, and, given that they now know (HOW?) that the moonstone was never de-spelled, they probably can’t trust Elijah’s plan either. They’re off to confront Uncle Daddy.

Lest we forget . . . what’s her face

Over at Lockwood Mansion, Lady Mayor’s getting ready for the memorial service for . . . I think I’m supposed to know who, but I’ve already forgotten. Maybe those campers that Jules ate. Anyway, Stefan busts up in there to talk to Tyler, but Tyler’s more in the mood to fight/kill/run away. Eventually, Stefan has to resort to threats just to keep him in place. He even gets a little veiny!

At the memorial, Jeremy (Jeremy!) runs into John and does not instantly greet him with familial warmth. In fact, he gets all teenagery and yanks off his ring and asks if that’s what John’s there for. John takes that in stride and assures Jeremy that the ring is rightfully his. John walks off to talk to Lady Mayor, who explains that Damon heads up the Vampire Killing Council now. Jeremy perks up at the sight of Bonnie (Bonnie!), who equally gets to smiling when she sees him. Huh? Bonnie’s path is cut off by the Good Doctor, who wants, well, who knows what he wants because Jer, big man that he is, walks up and honestly goes, “Is there a problem here?” Hee! Bonnie takes this opportunity to sidestep into Jeremy’s waiting arms and snuggles close to him as they walk away. Huh? Did they get together? I would like to see them together, but where did this come from?  

So over at the Grill where everyone is all the time all the time, Jenna is bemoaning to Alaric the utter weirdness of Elena’s bio parents being her brother-in-law’s little brother and Alaric’s dead wife. Alaric merely nods rather than pointing out that his wife is undead, and Damon made her that way because he is, too, and John is part of a secret society that kills vampires, and sometimes Alaric does, too. Smart move, Alaric. John walks in the better to get threatened by Damon. And by threatened, I totally mean come on to. Damon walks up to John, draw in close, and sniffs up his neck to his ear before whispering in his ear that if he poses a threat to Elena, Damon will kill him. John’s pretty much like, “Okay, weirdo.” Agreed, John. Damon would also like John to know that he and Stefan have been working on their vervain tolerance. Really? Both of them? It’s a good idea, just, sigh.

Stefan must have spent the entire day talking Tyler’s ear off (including such wisdom as “Caroline’s your friend, so stop being a dick”) because it’s night now.  He sidesteps the whole “murdered your uncle” issue to focus on the present: Stefan came to Mystic Falls to start a life, and he sees no reason why Tyler can’t live his own life there, too. Tyler takes up the whole “mortal enemies” tack, but Stefan pshaws that as a relic of a different era. Just when I’m grooving on the energy in this scene, Tyler takes a call from Jules thusly, “Help! Help!” Oh, grow up, Tyler.

And that’s when Jules and one of the other wolves from her pack, Brady, decide to kidnap Caroline. Nice going, Tyler. Caroline just been approached by sweet, delusional Matty to “talk” after his shift. Were I Matt, I would hope that I wouldn’t stand for such mixed messages. Caroline agrees because she loves Matt. After he leaves, Jules vervains Caroline’s face, and Brady puts a wooden bullet in her head. I hate these people.

Brady’s got Caroline in a cage and gets to torturing her with vervain and wooden bullets and little wooden darts that splinter and his stupid idea of conversation. I realize that Caroline’s freaked out, but I spend the entire time she’s in the cage wondering why she doesn’t just reach through the bars and rip Brady’s arm off or similar. He’s really, really close. Just reach out your arm, Caroline! Jules takes this time to call Stefan and demand Tyler back. Stefan’s perfectly amenable to the exchange.

Over at the Grill, Damon’s drinking alone while Elena chats to her never-before-seen blonde classmate. Jenna walks over and introduces news lady from breakfast television to Damon. Heh, I love these little hints that Jenna might actually be a person who does stuff. Also, I just realized news lady must have replaced Logan, and also also, there’s no way this town has a TV station. A weekly community paper, maybe, but no station. Jenna walks off, and Damon quickly blows news lady off. Elena calls him out on being rude, but honestly, whatever. He’s not interested, he let her know. End of. And that’s when everyone gets the call re: the Caroline exchange. Damon just sees this as further reason to take Tyler out, and, I’m begging you, Damon: kill Jules. KILL JULES. Elena says some stupid crap about being the bigger man a second time, and poor Damon’s just about had enough. He tells Elena to “stop doing that” exactly the same way she told him to stop doing that eye thing (nice!). That’s when Uncle Daddy busts in. If there’s one thing Damon and John can agree on, it’s that Elena shouldn’t go to the Caroline-Tyler stock exchange. Damon leaves while John stands guard. Heh.

Vampires 365, Werewolves 0

In the woods, Stefan’s like, “I’ll trade you one Tyler for one Caroline, final offer.” Jules isn’t so keen on that because she’s a moron who can’t do math (13< 365), and Damon once again shows up under a cloud of threats. He’s like, “Why don’t we just kill these mofos, Stef?” and Stefan’s, “That was plan B.” That’s when Jules whistles (for real) for her many other friends who aren’t werewolves right now. On their plus side, they have stake launchers and flamethrowers. Only Stefan wields a flamethrower ‘round here, wolves. These bitches better die. Vampire- and wolf-fu ensues. Mostly in the form of Damon ripping out hearts, and Stefan catching stakes and throwing them back into his attackers’ necks. Awesome. Tyler runs/hides in the trailer where Caroline is still stuck in that damned cage and actually has to think about it for a moment before releasing her. I guess he doesn’t know that Mason wasn’t just murdered but tortured. Not that I want to see my girl Caroline tortured, but I don’t want to extend vamps any special courtesy just because I like them better. I do, though. Except Mason and Tyler. It’s all going swimmingly for our vamps until Stefan goes down with a stake in the back (not the heart, but not pleasant), and Jules gets a wood bullet gun on newly freed Caroline. Suddenly everyone’s felled with one of Bonnie’s patented aneurism attacks. Everyone except Tyler, Caroline, Damon, and Stefan, that is. Well, and those dead guys. Out of the woods comes . . . The Good Doctor? Oh, now that is cool. TGD’s like, “Elijah’s got a deal with Elena, and I’m here to honour that deal. Scoot.” Scoot they do. Wow, that is a neat trick.

Stefan takes Caroline home and generally worries over her like the big brother he is. Caroline, despite looking bloodied and disturbed, tells Stefan that she’s not little Princess Caroline anymore. She’s a big vampire now. Stefan smiles sweetly and says, “I know.” AW! He heads on over to . . .

Chez Gilbert. Stefan and Elena run to each other arms crying like they do. Stefan’s put on a leather jacket to cover up the gaping hole in the back of his hoodie. He assures Elena that he’s fine. Nonetheless, he knows someone who’s not . . .

Caroline sitting in front of her mirror pulling splinters of wood out of her neck. Effing killing these wolves already. Matt calls because, what with the kidnapping and all, Caroline never showed up at the end of his shift. Poor, clueless Matt. I hope he gets a plotline soon, or he’s not going to be on the show for much longer. Maybe he’ll turn out to have super secret powers all along. Anyway, Caroline lies that she’s with Bonnie, so of course Bonnie and Jer are flirting it up at the Grill (again, since when?). A disappointed Matt makes another talk plan with Caroline that will no doubt go further awry.

Tyler knocks at Caroline’s door. He’s all sorry about Caroline and mad about Mason and just generally a mess, but Caroline’s not in an empathetic mood just this moment. Care takes the stance of “friends don’t let friends get tortured” and slams the door in his face. I tend to agree.

After a shower, Caroline gets yet another knock on her door. I know that Sheriff is a busy lady (and that the actress broke her leg or similar), but it’s weird how little she’s around. I suppose it is in keeping since she never seemed to notice Damon biting the shit out of Caroline when the show started. Anyway, door, It’s Stefan, and she’s like, “Still fine, thanks,” but Stefan brought along reinforcements just in case she’s not. Elena AND Bonnie (AW!!!) are there for a sleepover and pull Caroline into a group hug. Stefan stands on the porch, glowing at his family, and mouths “I love you” to Elena before leaving. All this love means something is going to go terribly wrong, doesn’t it?

Eternal fireplace. John’s ready to make one concession in favour of vampires: Stefan and Damon will do whatever they have to to keep Elena safe. Even Damon can agree on that point. Now that they’ve built this mutual foundation, John pulls out a dagger. Wait, wait, wait, not like that. John unwraps a piece of leather cloth and takes out a dagger and a glass bottle of ash. He claims that dipping the dagger in the ash of the ancient white oak (I think?) and plunging it into the heart will kill an Original. Hmm. Damon, being Damon, casts aspersions on John’s intel but backs off when he hears it came straight from Isobel. John also implies that Isobel is working on a “save Elena” plan of her own that might render this point moot.

Tyler’s so put off by Caroline’s rejection that he joins up with the other wolves (down to Jules and Brady, it would seem). Loser. He tells them about the moonstone Mason was looking for, and Brady suddenly looks very interested indeed.

Damon’s taking a bubble bath. No, it’s okay, I can wait while you deal with that. We good? Okay, here we go: Damon’s taking a bubble bath. With news lady. Alright, I guess I should learn her name. Andie Star. Right, so, Damon and Andie are in the bath. They’re drinking red wine. Andie’s surprised that Damon called, and Damon admits that he needs a distraction. From his love for Elena. Andie’s like, “I sure can pick ‘em,” but takes the bait and asks why Damon can’t be with the woman he loves. ‘Cause she’s with someone else, right? Damon tries to pfft that one, but, yeah, we already know that’s why. Damon puts another angle on it: because he kills people. Andie tries to pfft that one, takes in Damon’s utter seriousness, and starts to quietly freak. Damon compels her right out of that. Quelled, Andie asks why Damon kills people. Always with the questions, news lady. Damon duhs that he kills people because he likes to and because it’s in his nature. As such, he can never be the bigger/better/human man that Elena wants him to be. Andie’s take on that is, “Nuts to you,” and Damon pleads with her to be his distraction, at least for a little while. She complies but starts to freak anew when the macking leads to biting. Blood pours down Andie’s back as we all hope Damon at least keeps this one alive.

Finally, Katherine stirs upon hearing someone enter the tomb. Uncle Daddy! Katherine bitches that Elijah compelled her to stay in here, and she wants out. Heh. It’s kind of hilarious that she talks to John like she expects him to still do her bidding after she gutted him. Johns claims that he’s got someone working on it (right . . . ) and in the meantime, they’ve got a little something to discuss: Katherine + Isobel + Elena.

In other news:

• Good job, PIX 11! I didn’t notice any sound problems this time out.
• I often type Mystical Falls instead of Mystic Falls.
• Elena has a ponytail, Bonnie’s wearing her hair straight . . . what’s next? Jenna gets a bob?
• Both Elena and Bonnie are in The Roommate, which is completely awesome in case you were wondering.
• When Jer was yanking off his ring in a fit of pique, I wondered again why they don’t have Bonnie cooking up such jewels for everyone on this show. I’m certain it’s in Emily’s grimoire.
• I can’t remember if it was this week or last, but at some point Elena wonders to Stefan how Elijah can compel other vamps, and Stefan’s pretty much like, “He’s an Original. I’m sure he could wrestle Big Foot and the Loch Ness Monster if he wanted to.”
• Also can’t remember when this happened to fit it into the recap proper, but Jules wanted Tyler to join the pack, and Tyler didn’t want to leave his family or life.
• Hurry up and die, Jules.

Next time: Stefan and Elena have a romantic getaway at the lake house, interrupted by Brady, Jules, and Tyler totally trying to kill every vamp in town. Rude.