Good news, guys! As suspected, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter's second trailer, a.k.a. not the teaser trailer, did a much better job at convincing me to see the movie. Even "Are you a patriot or a vampire?" makes sense now! See for yourselves:

YouTube just served the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter trailer up to me, so I took a big bite. Boy, does it make me not want to see a movie that I previously wanted to see.