I’d share with the extent of my disappointment with the last couple episodes of True Blood, but, since my 32 day-old computer died, I can’t really. Suffice it to say that I put a hell of lot of effort into “I Wish I Was The Moon” and none into “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” since it was largely about people feeling their feelings. Last night’s episode, “Spellbound,” got a bit more into the action, though some of it still felt  like wheel-spinning and contrivance for contrivance’s sake. Still, Hot Bill, Eric and Sookie getting stoned, and Martonia getting a pet aren’t so bad. Lafayette getting possessed and thus further drawn into that damnable baby plotline? Not so much. Where’s Jesus when you need him?

Silver is Not like a Band-Aid

Jessica’s all ready to bust open the doors and die very slowly and painfully out in the sun (remember, the younger a vamp is, the slower s/he burns). Fortunately, Jason’s there to jump her, boot the doors shut, and wrap darling Jessica in Bill’s zebra rug. Heh. Bill’s redecoration has not gotten old for me. Did he hire someone? I mean, surely to do all the work, but did he hire someone to help him with the colour palette and all that? My favourite thing about Bill is what Bill gets up to when we’re not looking, e.g., buying a Wii and Fresca, and that hasn’t changed over four seasons. It’s just icing that Bill is hot all the time now.

Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

Oh, Gossip Girl, when you deliver an episode like, “Shattered Bass,” I don’t know how to love you more. Everything blows up (but not in the way you’d think), everyone looks amazing, and Blair’s love of the ducks finally pays off. PLUS Jack Bass has never been better. It’s basically a dream.

Single White Serena

So you know how we’ve all been taking bets on what kind of crazy Charlie is? It’s even better than you thought. Charlie goes off her meds by dumping them out in a garbage can in the living room of PRADA MAFIA, like no one will notice that, and decides that she needs to give Dan a little push to get him in the sack. First she strokes his ego by comparing his writing to Fitz-freaking-Gerald (that’s right, that’s how it’s spelled), but, when Serena reminisces about cotillion and Dan in a dreamy way (she even has that picture in her room, which is odd, but I guess it is her old room and not her current quarters), Charlie decides there’s another golden opportunity to play damsel in distress to Dan’s white knight complex. And you know the best place for that? The Party that Everyone Ends Up At. Basically, Serena gives Charlie permission to date Dan and even tries to help her out by hooking her up with her Rhodes trust fund and giving her fashion advice, and Charlie is going to use that against her so hardcore it will blow your mind.

Last night’s Gossip Girl, “It-Girl Happened One Night,” sadly does not feature anyone hiking up her skirt in order to hitch a ride. It does, however, feature a Valentine’s vendetta, a really ugly side of Chuck, and further Damien menace. Also Blair and Dan, if you care about that sort of thing.

Blair doesn’t care about your photo-cles

Serena apparently wanders around in a men’s dress shirt and knee socks regardless of where she wakes up. Aw, she buys her own men’s dress shirts! So Blair’s been très busy at W, and it’s either the day before Valentine’s Day or the day before that or even the day itself (we all know how time works on the UES), but the point is that she’s working a lot, so Serena never sees her. Still, they sit down in Blair’s bed and love on each other for a while. Serena gets a plot for the episode by revealing that she and Ben decided not to spend VD together because their relationship is new and doesn’t need the pressure. And while I agree that they don’t, I don’t see why it didn’t occur to them to do something small and simple, nor why Blair didn’t suggest it. Perhaps because she’s too busy reminiscing about the “own private bacchanal,” sans goats, that she and Chuck has last year. Also -- and this is a big continuity problem if you ask me -- Blair still thinks that Chuck’s relationship with Raina is a fake and that they will find their way back to each other eventually. While I agree with the latter, poor Blair to think the former. Also, it sounded a bit like she was talking about Serena and Dan, which grossed me out for even thinking it.

Words to live by, Stefan. Last night’s new The Vampire Dairies, “Daddy Issues,” mostly had nothing to do with Uncle Daddy (and his spiffy new ‘do) and more to do with how vampires and werewolves and can learn to be friends if they could act more like Stefan and Caroline (and dearly departed Mason, for that matter). Stefan tries for a truce, but it all goes awry when Caroline gets kidnapped. Damon bookends the episode with time in the shower and tub, and Elena wears a ponytail all episode long. Aside from a few expositionary retcons, another delightful episode from this compulsively watchable series.

When in doubt, put Damon in the shower

The camera’s lovingly worshiping Damon’s wet form in his fabulous, spacious glassed in shower with rain shower water head, and, man alive, I bet Damon designed this room himself. The camera is sadly interrupted by the heretofore unseen MASSIVE tv in Damon’s room feeding us the news about, among other things, the missing girl Damon totally murdered last week. Oops! Everyone’s watching that same thing over at Gilbert rez because they all love breakfast television. Well, Uncle Daddy does. Elena and her ponytail (!) are too busy pumping him for information about what he’s doing there. He’s saved from having to answer his daughter’s questions by Jenna’s entrance and extremely righteous anger at seeing John again. Alaric takes about ten seconds to bolts. Heh. Unfortunately, Jenna tries to tell John that he has no right, essentially, so John tells her that as Elena’s biological dad, he’s got plenty of them. At this point, my viewing companion and I get into a disagreement about having rights v. having to go to court to assert those rights, but I seem to recall that John and Jenna were co-guardians and that John just never stepped up. Anyway, pointless. John’s there because Jenna is incapable of observing who spends the night at her house.

ANGRY DISCLAIMER: I would like to put a nice bit of Damon witticism or Stefan insight in the blog post title, I really would, but my local CW’s The Vampire Diaries sound problem was completely out of control last night. With apologies to my regular viewing companions because I’ve tried not to bring it up lest it become something that drives them nuts as well, for I can keep quiet no longer. This season, there’s a little buzz-click-click to cuts into Vampire Diaries. Maybe a whir-click-click. It happens repeatedly throughout the hour, it’s only on the CW, and it’s only during Vampire Diaries. I have no idea what’s going on over at PIX 11 (WPIX, New York), but last night’s new entry, “The Descent,” featured not only the buzz-click-click in regular rotation but combined it with the SOUND CUTTING OUT ENTIRELY. Thanks for that, PIX. So, this recap comes with a warning that I may have missed something very important thanks to the incompetence of the PIX sound people.

Okay, recap time. Wait, another apology: perhaps because I was so annoyed with the sound, this episode struck me as long. Not in a “wow, look how much they can cram into an hour” way that this show usually uses to inspire awe, but in a “how is this still going on” way. Also maybe in a “Where’s Stefan?” way.

For reals this time, the recap. Last night’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, “The Descent,” started off just right with shirtless Stefan, continued on to Damon’s best Florence Nightingale routine, and reminded Elena that she’s our brave little toaster for a reason. Also, Caroline needs a break from all the kissing.