The finals are here! It seems like we have been at this for a very long time. And by we, I mean me. Hope Solo was thankfully sent home last week, leaving us with three deserving finalists. We have the inspiring J.R. Martinez (a veteran who was badly injured while serving the U.S. military), former talk show host Ricki Lake, and relative of "famous" people, Rob Kardashian. If you had told me when we started this season that I wouldn't be actively rooting against Rob this week, I would not have believed you. He still isn't my favourite, but he has worked hard and earned his spot in the finals. Also, I love his partner, Cheryl. For the finale show (which is thankfully just one hour), each of the couples have just two dances including a fun freestyle round, and they get to have a teaching session with one of our esteemed judges as well.  

Ricki Lake and Derek (Cha Cha Cha):

Nancy Grace was finally, finally sent home last week, about three weeks too late. She was the worst. With that, we are down to only four teams left, with J.R. Martinez and Ricki Lake as our frontrunners (and frontrunners in my heart). Hope Solo continues to be a poor dancer paired with a crappy partner. Rob is just unsympathetic, and I don't care much what happens to him. Each team has three dances this week, including an Argentinian tango with lifts allowed. 

Hope Solo and Maks: In their first clip package, we learn that Hope has a really bad shoulder that has like 12 pins in it. It is very painful, and we see her getting this huge horse shot of something into it. Gross. She said she was saving that shot for the mother-effing Olympics (!). Hardcore. That clip package did make me like Hope more…props to her for not complaining about her injury.

Last week, David Arquette was sent home, before both Nancy Grace and Hope Solo. Lamesauce! He was by no means the strongest dancer, but he had the personality and effort sorely lacking in the two women I just mentioned. The group dance was probably a big part of his undoing, which is a shame. I will miss seeing Courtney Cox in the audience. This week we have the old "instant dance", which is where the couple don't receive the music to one of their dances until 20 minutes before they perform. In the past, this has led to some mixed results, with some thriving under the pressure, and others visibly cracking. I assume tonight will be no different. 

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl (Quickstep): Cheryl is cracking the whip this week, with the goal of making sure Rob gets into the semis. I assume all of the pros will be taking this approach. Their quickstep is to a slightly odd song, which is "Take on Me" by A-ha. The song just sort of isn't fast enough for the dance or something. Their fast footwork parts are to the chorus, which is the slow, drawn out "taaaaaaaaaake on meeeeeee". It just doesn't match up somehow. That being said, I think the dance was strong and it seemed like Rob was on top of it. Len really liked it, once they got into hold. Bruno says something incoherent. He is happy with Rob's ass this week. Carrie Ann has some ridiculous bangs going on this week, and they are like all up in her eyes. Like that muppet. She thinks he has improved tremendously. Scores: 9,9,9.

Yikes! All of the couples are in frightening costumes in honour of this spookiest of evenings. Tom introduces himself as Tom Boooogeron, which is awesome. Brooke is wearing a dumb black wig. I can't believe we are down to the top 6, and I can't believe Nancy Grace is among them. 

Last week, Chaz was finally sent home, probably two weeks later than he should have been. I loved his effort, and he is a really interesting person, but he wasn't a good dancer. 

 David Arquette and Kym (Cha Cha Cha): These two are doing a dracula-themed cha cha that uses magic too. Fun stuff. It starts off a bit lame, because the clip package promised that David would be doing some cool magic. There are some other cool effects in the dance, though. Like when fringe on Kym's dress just appears while she is spinning, and when a spider web appears at the end. The dance itself is ok. For David, it is pretty controlled, but also fairly uneven. Len thought it was very fun and original. Bruno says David was a natural at turning tricks. Carrie Ann thinks David's improvement has been phenomenal. Ah…they reveal in the Brooke interview that the trick we were supposed to see got lost backstage before the routine. How sad. Scores: 8,8,8.

Last week, Carson was sent home because of low scores and bad dancing. This week, it is Broadway time at DWTS. Exciting. The show opens with a number from the new Broadway musical Sister Act. It is fun, but I don't think anyone other than the main lady are actually singing, which is strange for Broadway. Apparently Kristin Chenoweth is here as a special guest. Score!

DWTS: 80s Week!

Last week, Chynna completely forgot her routine, and was sent home. She was a decent dancer, but I think she just had relatively few fans to keep her in it. It is surprising again that she went before Chaz, Carson, and Nancy, just because they are clearly weaker dancers. That being said, she did completely forget her routine. 

Last week, Kristin Cavallari was sent home, even though she had markedly better scores than both Chaz and Nancy Grace. She was really forgettable, and I hate Mark Ballas. This week, the previews have promised us some Cher, and she better show up, or I am going to be piiiiiiissssed. The gimmick this week is "Let's go to the Movies", where the dancers will be rocking it out to movie scores. 

There is an opening number featuring some of the pros in reserve, and it is both boring and awkward.

Chynna and Tony (Tango): They are dancing to the score from Mission: Impossible, and they seem to have a bit of tension in the rehearsal. Chynna asks a lot of dumb questions and seems to be annoying Tony. Tony starts the dance in a harness above the stage and then drops at like 1 mile an hour. It is not very cool. Chynna's tango dress is cut right up past her business and looks very slutty. I am not sure what is going on in the dance, but it is super slow and I think Chynna messes up at least three or four times. It is really one of the worst tangoes I have seen in a long time. Bad choreography, bad dancing. Len: "It all went up the Swanee River". Chynna knows it. Bruno says she was hot, but lost the entire dance. Carrie Ann knows she got lost, and thought she held her composure. Scores: 7,7,7. Holy crap, that was overscored.

Last week, Elisabetta went home, and thank goodness, because she was super boring. The gimmick for tonight's show is that the stars will each tell a personal story through their dances. 

Rob Kardashian and Cheryl (Foxtrot): Rob is dancing about the time when he lost his dad. I can really tell that Rob isn't a naturally a good dancer, but Cheryl is such a great teacher, that he pulls off a deacon routine. The wardrobe department has done the impossible and made tiny Cheryl Burke look really quite plump. The dance is pretty, flows nicely, and has an appropriate amount of emotion to it. Len thinks he was properly dashing. Bruno thinks he had a good amount of Frank Sinatra's charm. Carrie Ann is seeing great progress. Scores: 8,8,8

Chynna Phillips and Tony (Rumba): Chynna is dancing about the year her one hit "Hold On" came out and the year she gave up alcohol. She is dancing to that song, which seems a bit hokey.  The rumba is such a dumb dance, I never really enjoy them. Given that starting point, Chynna's is fine. It is very slow and dramatic, and over the top with the hokey. Bruno thinks it was seductive and stylish. Carrie Ann loves her lines and her connection to the music. Len thinks she just took the competition to a new level. Really? I just found it boring. Scores: 8,9,9

Last week, the weird Ron Artest was sent home. Thank goodness…he was strange and uninteresting at the same time. The previews this week promise star-meltdowns and (spoiler alert) Nancy Grace's boob. How fun! Let's get to it. Brooke Burke has 90s prom hair, which is not so pretty. 

Hope Solo and Maks (Jive): Maks and Hope have chosen Toms as their team shoe. How hipster of them. If there is a dance for Hope to excel at, it has to be the Jive, right? Fast, athletic, fun? The result here is less than awesome. Maks has chosen goofy and dumb costumes that are distracting, and you can really see Hope counting through the steps and grinding out the moves very physically. I said last week that she wasn't very light on her feet (no surprise for an athlete), but it is really apparent here. Len flashes a gang sign and then says it was crisp, but they lost their timing. I agree that it was sloppy. Bruno thinks it wasn't precise at all. Carrie Ann liked the energy of the performance, but thinks Hope needs to relax a bit. 

Scores: 6,7,6

We are back with another season of people who are not really "stars" and who can't really dance. I for one, am excited. They did grab a few big names this season, including Chaz Bono (awesome, please bring your mom to a show right now), David Arquette (entertainly nutty), Ricki Lake (Um, hell yeah), and Nancy Grace (I do not understand her). The show got a fancy new set for this season, and it seems gigantic. We have one or two new pros, and the return of Derek Hough, which is exciting. Big props to our favourite host, Tom Bergeron, for his recent Emmy. He beat out my girl Cat Deeley, but the Emmy folks didn't think the audience needed to see this category, so it was fairly anti-climactic. 

Ron Artest and Peta (Cha Cha Cha): This guy is apparently a basketball star, and he looks nutty. He is super tall, and has just changed his name to something stupid that I will not be writing down. Peta is one of the new pros, which has to be a bit tough. Many of the other pros (Derek, Cheryl, Kym) have a fan base in their own right. Let's get to the dance. It is certainly clear that this is a first week dance. It is slow, awkward, and barely resembles a cha cha cha. Ron is barely remembering the steps, but he gets points for trying to have fun with it. The judges are not impressed at all. Len thinks it was terrible, Bruno says something incoherent, and Carrie Ann thinks Ron is sexy. Scores: 5,4,5. 

My apologies for the lack of recap last week; I got caught up in the Canadian Election results. Apparently last week, Kendra was sent packing. Thank goodness. The gimmick this week is the “instant dance”, where the couples learn what music they will get for one dance as the show is airing….Liiiiive! I saw this episode last season, and all of the couples turned in really good dances. Let’s hope this year’s group doesn’t disappoint.

Chelsea and Mark:  Apparently Mark was a power tool to Len and the judges last week and he threw some sort of fit about their mediocre scores. So sorry to have missed that. Chelsea earns even more of my respect by telling Mark that it isn’t cool for him to be a little bitch (I’m paraphrasing) to the judges because it makes her look bad. They are doing an emotionally-charged waltz and Chelsea has something to prove. The dance is smooth, graceful and classic. The judges should like this one. Len does like it, though he finds something to complain about (too much story that distracted from the dance). Scores are two 10s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and a 9 from Len.

Instant Dance: Chelsea is instant dancing a salsa. There is a miscue between the announcers and whoever started this music, so the dance is off to a weird start (not their fault, though). Mark is back to out-dancing Chelsea, but the dance is fun and high-energy. The male judges loved it, but Carrie Ann thought they weren’t connected to the music. I really couldn’t tell. They receive two 9s and an 8 for the dance.

Last week, Carmen Carrera was brought back from the dead and then sent sashaying away yet again. No one was sad to see her go. Raja was also in the bottom two, which was traumatic for her.

This week is all about the money. The mini challenge is to host RuVC, a home shopping network. The ladies have to get Ru to buy their products. Raja is up first and she looks jacked out. She is selling her “gaff” which is apparently a junk-strapping down apparatus. Manila is pitching MANila spray. She looks better as a brunette. Yara pitches hair that is also a puppet. Don’t ask me to explain it. Alexis is hocking her handmade butt inserts. Who do I call about this? I am in. Ru selects Yara’s hair piece. She wins money for the next challenge.

The main challenge is at a “Make That Money Ball”. The ladies will have to create three different looks—Swimsuit Body Beautiful, Cocktail Attire After 5 pm, and Evening Gown Eleganza. The ladies get to work and are generally stressed out about the amount of work they have to do. Part way through the day, Ru gives the gals another challenge. They have to choreograph a group number to kick of the ball (to La Toya Jackson’s “Just Wanna Dance”). It seems like Alexis is really struggling with her garments, and she threatens to leave the competition. She packs some stuff up, and leaves the room. But then she comes right back. What a waste of time.

It is guilty pleasures night on DWTS, and we kick off the night with a performance from Hanson. Yes. You read that correctly. Who lists “Mmmbop” as a guilty pleasure? Not I. All of these Hanson lads seem really old now, which makes me old. Good times. Apparently all of the songs tonight are “guilty pleasures” so I will be rating each of them for their guilt-factor. Please keep in mind that I don’t know anything about music.

Kirstie Alley and Maks: This week, these two are dancing a samba to Kirstie’s guilty pleasure of “Hit me Baby One More Time” by Britney. God bless the costumers for putting Kirstie in a very flattering outfit this evening. She looks pretty cute. Maks, on the other hand, is wearing a high-waisted trouser and it is giving him mom jeans butt. Unflattering! Their samba is ok. It isn’t as high-energy as most sambas, and Kirstie doesn’t seem to be having as much fun as usual. Len thinks the performance was great, and Bruno agrees. The boys give her two 9s and Carrie Ann gives her an 8. Not bad scores at all. Guilt-o-meter rating: 7 giant sunglasses out of 10. This song is really not that bad, and it is a pre-mess Britney, so it is forgivable.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl: This week these two are tackling the tango, and Chris’ song is the recently overplayed (thanks, Glee!) “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey. The dance is ok…it certainly holds my attention, even though the tango is a harsher dance than is allowed for in this pop song. The judges don’t really like it. Bruno says Chris looked like a block of granite, which I kind of agree with. Len defends Chris and says that his technique is good. They get two 7s and an 8. Guilt-o-meter rating: 3 baseball caps out of 10. This song has been made into a mainstream hit by the aforementioned Glee and it is not really a guilty pleasure at all.

Last week, Sugar Ray Leonard got sent home—kind of a surprise because Kendra did so poorly, but not a shocker because he wasn’t a super strong dancer. This week, it is all about America!

Ralph Macchio and Karina: These two have a samba this week, and are doing a cowboy theme. The music is “Sweet Home Alabama” and the dance really looks like a two-step. It is a weird style choice for a samba, and I don’t think it worked well at all. Fun two step, lame samba. Len says Ralph doesn’t have great rhythm. Bruno completely agrees with me. Carrie Ann thinks it was pretty good for a weird fusion. They receive 7s from Len and Bruno and an 8 from Carrie Ann.

Chris Jericho and Cheryl:  During the clip package, Chris does a hilarious impression of Len. Good times. He is out to prove to Len that he is 8-worthy. They are doing the Viennese waltz to “America the Beautiful”, and it is pretty good. Chris isn’t as naturally graceful as some people, but he does pretty well with this dance. It is smooth and flowing. They receive 9s from Carrie Ann and Bruno and an 8 from Len. Chris is so excited…it is adorable.

Last week, Wendy Williams was sent packing for her inability to dance. That is two weeks in a row where the correct person was sent home (in my humble opinion). This week we have a 47 piece orchestra and two famous classical musicians (or so they say…true classical music fans would probably take offense at that title), violinist David Garrett and mezzo soprano Katherine Jenkins.

Romeo and Chelsie: These two start the evening off with a paso doble. Romeo has bitchface tonight. Trying to channel his inner matador, I guess. The matadors I have seen (oh yes, I have seen some) are always more fun-loving. They are showmen! Think Liberace, but with jazzier outfits. Romeo’s paso doble is ok. He certainly has the intensity down, but he just isn’t a very compelling dancer. It ends with a lot of energy, and the crowd goes nuts for it. The judges are generally praising of his performance, but I think their scores aren’t going to be stellar. Each of the judges does mention that technique wasn’t perfect. They receive one 7 (apparently a deduction for a life) and two 8s.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: Kendra and Louis are doing a Viennese Waltz tonight. Kendra apparently hates both classical music and being a lady. She is really irritating. I mean, I am all for bucking female stereotypes, but she just seems to want to whine about everything she has to do. Don’t go on a dancing show if you have no interest in trying different dances. The dance is not great…Kendra keeps breaking out of her character (which is supposed to be an angry woman, I think). In addition to her distracting face, the dance is very choppy and she gets lost a few times. Bruno hated it. This is saying something; he loves everything. He thinks it was an offence against the beautiful song. Carrie Ann thinks that her not committing to being elegant really hurt the dance. Len is (surprisingly) the good cop here and tells her she is a beginner and should be given a break. The judges all agree that it was a 6-worthy performance.

Last week, the right person went home, and that guy was Mike something…a person no one knew and who was by far the worst dancer. He did seem to have fun in his two weeks and he knew that he wasn't going to get anywhere, so props to him for that. This week we have a bit of a theme where the stars have to pick a song that is emotional for them, and then work with their pros to create a story in their dances.

There is a segment at the beginning of the show where some unknown pros (the new “dance troupe” for the show) demonstrate what a good version of each of the dances featured tonight should look like. It is nice to see…I finally understand some differences between the rumba and the samba (basically, the samba is faster and more spicy, and the rumba is slower and more romantic).

Wendy Williams and Tony: Wendy is up first and this week she has a way nicer dress on today. It is very flattering. Wendy is dancing about a time in her life where she was sleeping in her car to achieve her dreams in radio. The dance is the foxtrot. Good lord she has some enormous cans. Work it, lady. The dance seems really slowed down…I don’t know if the foxtrot is always this slow? They are just basically walking around together. They are dancing to “Last night a DJ saved my life” which seems like a dumb song for this emotionally-driven week. The judges aren’t all about the dance. They think it wasn’t fluid enough, and that she got a little lost. Her scores are pretty low, 5s across the board.

We are down to the final three here…Richard, Antonia and Mike. Mike starts things off right away and tells us that the three best chefs are left standing. That means he actually believes he is better than the likes of Angelo, Dale, Dale, Marcel, and pretty much everyone else. He really is insufferable.

Quickfire: Chefs must assign a classic top chef quickfire to one of their competitors

Wolfgang Puck and Padma introduce the quickfire, and as the description says, they get to pick a previous quickfire (from all 8 seasons) and give it to one of the other chefs. Mike gives Antonia the canned goods challenge. Antonia gives Richard the hot dog challenge. Richard gives Mike the one pot challenge.  The chefs begin cooking, and the Padma comes back in to tell them they now get to assign a twist to one of their competitors. Antonia is particularly worried about getting the “no utensils” twist, as she is working with freaking cans! Richard gives Mike the no utensils twist, Antonia gives Richard the cook with only one hand twist, and Antonia gets to have Carla as her left hand (they are stuck together like conjoined twins).

The market for glittery jumpsuits gets its bi-annual boost with the return of Dancing with the Stars. I missed the first week, but clearly it doesn't matter. Let's dive into the dances tonight!

Sugar Ray Leonard and Anna: Boxing legend Sugar Ray Leonard! Last week this pair did a lackluster dance, and this week they have the jive. For being an former elite athlete, Sugar Ray is a bit tiny. This jive is medium good. Considering it is the second week, I give points for just keeping up with the music and remembering most of the steps. Anna’s hair is unattractive. The judges’ comments relay that his moves were not stellar, but he performed the crap out of it.

Kendra Wilkinson and Louis: This person is apparently “famous” for being a former girlfriend of Hugh Hefner. Yeesh. I don’t care about her. They are doing a quickstep, but it doesn’t look like one at all. Too slow! Also, Kendra has some big knockers (of course) and she is wearing a strapless dress. As a fellow Woman of Big Cans (this is the pc term we prefer), I can say the she needs to wear a bra with straps. Did Len just say “chesticles”? Weird. The judges say she needs to perform more.

The Mirror Ball will be awarded, hopefully to Miss Frances Houseman herself, Jennifer Grey. It will all happen LIVE!  It's the results tonight and in order to encourage us to watch, there are actually two more performances from each of our finalists. 

I came in about 15 minutes into the two hour broadcast and it seems I haven't missed any performances. I caught the end of Christina Aguilera singing...it doesn't seem I have missed much. Will I be seeing Burlesque? Probably. Please don't judge me. It looks like couples will be doing a "favorite dance", which is a repeat from earlier in the season and then they will all do an instant dance Cha Cha Cha. If you recall, instant dance is where they find out their music MINUTES before they dance it. 

Kyle and Lacey are up first with a repeat tango, and the judges will rank them against the other teams. Their tango is pretty good, and Kyle is intense. 

Jennifer Grey has to win, doesn't she? She is the only person left who is even a remotely talented dancer. So, it is the DWTS Finals, which is nice because it means I will be getting my Monday evenings back. I am not very invested in these dancers, but I will say it has been fun tuning in each week (if only to watch the trainwrecks unfold). *Cue soft-focus montage of me sitting at my laptop in different spots on my couch over the past 5 weeks*. Some good times, there. 

I am doing a recap of the performances from last night today and then I will do the results later tonight (because instead of recapping last night, I 100%  fell asleep all evening).