CHAIR! So close, and yet so far. Yup, that's about what I got out to last night's Gossip Girl, "Riding in Town Cars with Boys." Otherwise, Nate and Serena make the same plan they always make, only Dan's in this time; Ivy finally finds a reason to get out of Dodge already; and Rufus continues to be Goofus to the nth degree. Let's go over the highlights!

All you need is one

Apparently, all you need to become a super-successful newsman in NYC and the Vanderbilt’s last, great hope to lead the family is one editorial. At least that's what Nate's latest plot has taught me. Grandfather's ousted the still delicious Tripp from the position of crown prince thanks to an editorial (seriously. Because the paper isn't a daily or anything, so you only need to write one total editorial). So Tripp tattles to Nate that he isn't exactly the super-successful newsman he thinks he is, what with the Grandfather underwriting everything and putting Diana up to it. Nate is pissed, but then he forgets to be pissed because he's off to some wondrous high business/high debauchery retreat with Grandfather by the end of the episode. Also, somehow Max figures into Tripp's plans. Highlights: Toss up between Chuck telling Nate he was almost aroused by the one total editorial or the reverent look on Chuck's face when he repeats the name of the retreat (Allen Camp?). I started to wonder by boy-billionaire Bass hadn't already gotten his invite, then shuddered at the memory of the sex Narnia/Elle debacle. Except for one small part: CARTER BAIZEN! Oh, come back, I miss your pouty mouth.

Last night’s Gossip Girl, “Rhodes to Perdition,” didn’t follow up on the end of “All the Pretty Sources” even a little bit. You know, when Blair showed up at Empire and asked without really asking if Chuck was good all along, and Ed Westwick’s exquisitely expressive face did something magnificent and heartbreaking, for such is its way, and . . . and . . . Nothing. Who knows? Chuck nodded and Blair left? They had sex on top of Dan, and thus his dreams became reality? They ate bacon scones? WHO KNOWS?!

You might have thought that there was a whole other episode on last night, one about Rhodes Women and Gossip Girl called them “Rhodes Girls” because she is an idiot and doesn’t get that being a woman is kind of the point, but since there is no longer even the remotest hint of character continuity on this show, I’m almost at the point of giving up. I know I won’t, but I just want you to know that I thought about it, show. And you know what else I thought? Dair is a distraction.

I’m not much of a ‘shipper either way, but over the course of this season I’ve been coming around to the “Dan and Blair belong together” side of thinking. It’s not that I spontaneously like Dan (although there was a point when he was sitting on the stoop with Alessandra when I thought he was looking good) but rather that I could see them as a harmonious balance rather than the chaos left in Chair’s wake.

The Lexicon: an occasional feature in which we identify movie/TV lines worth repeating.

Source: Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen), Gossip Girl, "Summer Kind of Wonderful" (S2, E1)

Usage: Awkward conversation ender. It's your new "end scene."

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

Remember last year when Gossip Girl finally learned how to do a finale right? This year, with Monday night’s “The Wrong Goodbye,” they went us one better: not only was Georgina on the scene to wreak adorably unhinged havoc, she sniffed out a kindred in a matter of minutes. Attagirl. Otherwise, Serena and Dan finally admit the truth, Blair gets her fairytale, and Chuck and his beloved get back together in style. AND my prediction that Ed Westwick would make up for last week’s dearth of exquisitely expressive faces proves so right I may have to get a swooning couch.

Not unless the thing was twisted and nasty, in which case my help could prove invaluable.

Vanessa and Serena have teamed up to find Charlie. Vanessa doesn’t know that Serena’s a certified crime fighter, so she’s boo-hooing all Serena’s ideas and generally being Vanessa up in this cab. Serena finally shuts the bickering down and decides that they should just work together until they know the status of the currently unfolding murder-suicide they’ve imagined. Also, as suspected, Charlie Single White Female-d her roommate in college. That was her bugaboo.

Oh, Gossip Girl, when you deliver an episode like, “Shattered Bass,” I don’t know how to love you more. Everything blows up (but not in the way you’d think), everyone looks amazing, and Blair’s love of the ducks finally pays off. PLUS Jack Bass has never been better. It’s basically a dream.

Single White Serena

So you know how we’ve all been taking bets on what kind of crazy Charlie is? It’s even better than you thought. Charlie goes off her meds by dumping them out in a garbage can in the living room of PRADA MAFIA, like no one will notice that, and decides that she needs to give Dan a little push to get him in the sack. First she strokes his ego by comparing his writing to Fitz-freaking-Gerald (that’s right, that’s how it’s spelled), but, when Serena reminisces about cotillion and Dan in a dreamy way (she even has that picture in her room, which is odd, but I guess it is her old room and not her current quarters), Charlie decides there’s another golden opportunity to play damsel in distress to Dan’s white knight complex. And you know the best place for that? The Party that Everyone Ends Up At. Basically, Serena gives Charlie permission to date Dan and even tries to help her out by hooking her up with her Rhodes trust fund and giving her fashion advice, and Charlie is going to use that against her so hardcore it will blow your mind.

Last night’s Gossip Girl, “While You Weren’t Sleeping,” is mostly a Blair-hits-the-breaking-point episode, which is a shame, as I never want to see our girl fail. Otherwise, it’s all secret affairs, Bass Industries intrigue, and Nate getting pimped. The ghost of Juliet haunts the fringes of the action like, well, like Georgina used to. Could we have them both in the season finale? In the meantime, a CAPER! As you may already know, the only thing I love more than a caper is a con. Or maybe I really do love capers a little bit more.  

The Best Part of Waking Up

Is most assuredly finding your ex-con roommate and your ex-girlfriend/sister having stupid romance talk about toast. Ben says Serena fell asleep playing Scrabble, and Dan goes for the full Humphrey: he calls Serena a liar and stupid by replying that Serena doesn’t like/play Scrabble. Serena gives him a great “Why do you always have to be a dick” look in response and offers coffee, but Dan bolts for “a meeting . . . lunch” in Midtown.

Last night’s Gossip Girl, “It-Girl Happened One Night,” sadly does not feature anyone hiking up her skirt in order to hitch a ride. It does, however, feature a Valentine’s vendetta, a really ugly side of Chuck, and further Damien menace. Also Blair and Dan, if you care about that sort of thing.

Blair doesn’t care about your photo-cles

Serena apparently wanders around in a men’s dress shirt and knee socks regardless of where she wakes up. Aw, she buys her own men’s dress shirts! So Blair’s been très busy at W, and it’s either the day before Valentine’s Day or the day before that or even the day itself (we all know how time works on the UES), but the point is that she’s working a lot, so Serena never sees her. Still, they sit down in Blair’s bed and love on each other for a while. Serena gets a plot for the episode by revealing that she and Ben decided not to spend VD together because their relationship is new and doesn’t need the pressure. And while I agree that they don’t, I don’t see why it didn’t occur to them to do something small and simple, nor why Blair didn’t suggest it. Perhaps because she’s too busy reminiscing about the “own private bacchanal,” sans goats, that she and Chuck has last year. Also -- and this is a big continuity problem if you ask me -- Blair still thinks that Chuck’s relationship with Raina is a fake and that they will find their way back to each other eventually. While I agree with the latter, poor Blair to think the former. Also, it sounded a bit like she was talking about Serena and Dan, which grossed me out for even thinking it.

When Blair said that on last Monday’s Gossip Girl, “Panic Roommate,” I may have yelled, “THESIS STATEMENT.” Because, seriously, if Gossip Girl had a central idea, it would be “scheming and burlesque,” right? Also, I hope Jacob took that as a massive shout out. Otherwise, though I haven’t been recapping, I have been watching, and Gossip Girl is still doing everything I love: Serena’s moves on to the next guy as soon as the first gets close, Blair’s up to her eyes in a scheme of her own making, Dan’s hating, Chuck’s making faces, and Nate’s getting pimped. Yay!

Ex-Con Estates

So get this: Goofus (he’s Goofus all episode long, no?) didn’t even ask Dan if it would be okay to move an ex-con into the loft. He brought it up once and just assumed that Dan would be on board because . . . Ben was falsely accused? Making up for Lily’s lies is Goofus’ full time job now? Maybe Dan should show a little gratitude toward his totally rent-free existence? I would argue the last, but Goofus is probably thinking the first. So Dan immediately goes running to Eric with what he perceives as a serious problem.

Thought Blair may have said it in “The Townie,” Gossip Girl most assuredly is an Ouija board. And what Gossip Girl predicts is downfall for Lily, of all people. Find out how.

Nemesis

Blair and Dan are strolling and recapping, but, since I’ve already done the hard work, I’m skipping this. What’s missing is Juliet’s motive, and only Blair can understand: “There is only one motive to fuel a gaslighting as powerful as this: retribution.” She should know, having tried to Ostroff Serena once before. They remember when Serena was briefly allied with the Parisian police, so they decide ask the crime fighter herself for her insight into Juliet’s dark mind.

So it turns out that I never recapped “The Witches of Bushwick,” which is just as well, as that episode’s dire stupidity and retrogressive sexual politics were too much for me. I hated  a lot of that episode. Props to last night’s Gossip Girl, “Gaslit,” for helping to somewhat restore my faith in the show.  

I accidentally missed the first ten minutes thanks to Carlos, the longest movie in the world, but I’m going to guess that they went a little something like this: Serena comes to in a cheap motel in Queens and dials 911. Everyone’s making their Thanksgiving plans, and then those plans are interrupted as one by one they find out that Serena’s been rushed to St. Margaret’s. Am I close?

So when we come back, Nate’s sitting on his doorstep because Dan will run right over when he gets a text. And not even a booty text! Nope, Nate’s found out that Anne, who suddenly has a personality and that personality is icky, is in the process of divorcing the Captain. Dan tells him that there’s nothing Nate can do and that his parents were happier after the divorce. Dan then gets the call about Serena and boots it to the hospital, while Nate points out that as usual, Dan’s advice sucks. Heh.

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Rose,” was a little lacking in the holy shit compared to “Masquerade.” Of course, it’s hard not to do. Perhaps they were simply observing the cardinal rule of taking it down a notch to avoid blowing one’s wad. If so, well played. We got deeper into the Petrova mystery, Bonnie’s witchy powers, and Salvatore heartbreak. Also, did I mention the ROAD TRIP? Let’s go.

ROAD TRIP

Stefan’s chillin’ like a villain at school (I take a minute to laugh at this continued pretence). Jeremy strolls up to point out that’s easier to get someone to cover for you if you give that someone a heads up. Stefan doesn’t know what Jer’s talking about, and it pretty soon they both realize that Elena’s unaccounted for. Stefan is going to have a meltdown.

Because that bitch is too stirring up trouble. Last night’s Gossip Girl, “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore,” might actually help us get to the bottom of Juliet and Ben’s deal, features Chuck in Blair’s robe, and gives us the NJBC at its best.

Single White Trash Female

Since Juliet gets the title, let’s deal with her plot first. Nate decides to get “closure” re: Juliet by returning her shampoo and her copy of The Help. Dear Nate: There is no such thing as closure. Hugs, April. Nate goes over to the building where he forgot to fuck her that time, and the doorman informs him that no “Juliet” or “Sharp” or “Juliet Sharp” has ever lived there in the last eight years. Because Nate’s feeling more Vanderbilt than Archibald* today, he runs right over to the loft to tell Vanessa that he has realized that Juliet is a big, fat liar. Vanessa is like, “I can’t believe it took someone else this long to notice,” but that doesn’t stop them from forming an unholy alliance. In the meantime, Juliet decides to listen to Ben and calls the Dean of Freshmen’s Sex Lives for a meeting. Oh, Columbia.

It’s November, which means it’s Blair’s birthday, and I don’t even care that “War of the Roses” would have me believe Blair licks her own envelopes. Surely they have one of those giant machines that you run the envelopes through like we have at work. If not, Dorota would be using one of those sponge rollers. It doesn’t matter, though, since last night’s Gossip Girl isn’t wholesale about sex, as the preview would have you believe, but about treaties and double crosses and everyone being in the dark about everyone else. Classic Gossip Girl as would befit the birthday of a queen.

Article 49: Strip Clubs of the Outer Boroughs are ceded to Chuck Bass

Blair’s pretending to eat breakfast with Eleanor, who flew back from Paris to throw Blair an early birthday party. Cyrus sent a signed copy of Eleanor Roosevelt’s This I Remember. Blair invites Dorota upstairs for a dramatic reading of page 1 before she heads out to meet Serena.

In “Easy J,” Gossip Girl tries to tell us that Jenny Humphrey has been missed. No, she has not. She’s gone just as quickly as she arrived, which is exactly how we like it. This week’s Gossip Girl also featured Nate shaking it for Cellblock 6, Serena successfully attending a class, and a tragic end to Chuck and Blair’s war.

Blair’s Psychic Hotline

Blair has a Wait Until Dark dream that we both see and hear her explain in detail to Serena. Thanks? Anyway, she thought Chuck was the dream attacker until she reached back and grabbed a handful of ratty blonde extensions. Blair also takes this opportunity to call Serena a slut like she does every episode lately, and I’m getting a little tired of it. I wonder why Serena doesn’t just tell her to eff off but remember that it’s probably to avoid getting axe murdered. Blair also inaccurately describes Serena’s hair as being in “missionary disarray.” Serena has sex hair all the time, so it’s kind of a wonder how they cooked up beach hair for her this episode and called it sex hair. Anyway, Serena’s like, “Yes, but we didn’t fuck!” and Blair’s like, “My dream is more important than your real life!”, so Serena tries to use her Serena-magic to amalgamate the two by suggesting that they talk it over while taking a cab to school. Serena plans to get there on time since she knows Cab-Thieving Colin won’t have anyone to pour into a taxi this morning. I’m briefly amazed that she may have concocted this scheme just to neutralize Colin but no such luck. Also, no takers. Blair has somewhere else to be.

Last week's Gossip Girl, "Goodbye Columbia," offered the usual scheming and machinations by Chuck and Blair, eye-popping stupidity for Vanessa and Nate, and stupendous lack of awareness for Serena. I would complain, but this (and the insane clothes) is why we watch the show, is it not?

Scheming: I Almost Forgot How Much I Used to Enjoy Your Pie

Blair's deluded herself into thinking that Columbia's campus will provide an oasis from her war with Chuck. Naturally, this incantation summons Chuck to campus: he's "auditing a few classes" for . . . something . . . related to the Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. Amazingly, Blair's reaction is pretty much, "Buh?", so Chuck starts explaining a rotunda in a way not dissimilar to the time he cut Gabriel (who's amazing in The Social Network, btw) off with "I think we all know what a Ponzi scheme is." Blair's shock, however, is to seeing her oasis so quickly revealed as a mirage, and this will not be the last time this episode the Chuck has to explain the concept of war to Blair.

Monday's Gossip Girl, "Touch of Eva," gave us several unexpected things: Eva's not evil, Nate is capable of using powers of observation, and Dan's hair could always get worse. All this and the greatest thing Chuck has ever said since "I'm Chuck Bass." Delicious!

Only Eva Could Make Being a Secret Prostie Boring

Blair and Serena lie to each other's faces that they are going to stay away from Chuck/Eva and Dan/Vanessa/Nate/Juliet, respectively. Blair's been Gossip Girl0stalking Chuck/Eva, learning about his newfound philanthropy and Cartier watch-giving. Aw, remember when Blair had to talk him out of buying a homeless shelter and turning it into lofts for hipsters? Good stuff. Blair tries retail therapy, by which she means pricing the watch Chuck gave Eva to see if it is more valuable than anything he gave her, and finds Eva returning the watch for cash, which she films. Attagirl.

The Paris episodes, like the Hamptons episodes so long ago, feel a bit unreal. It's like Serena described them: home isn’t real until we get there. Last night’s episode, “The Undergraduates,” puts us squarely back in Manhattan, which is exactly where we should be. The episode keeps the momentum from the return Gossip Girl’s most important repeated line last week and adds plenty of new ridiculousness to marvel over: new living situations, new alliances, and one old minion. Plenty of secrets get spilled in the process. Oh, Gossip Girl. So good to have you back.

Sisterhood is Alive and Well on the Upper East Side

On their first day at Columbia, Gossip Girl’s site is under construction. Blair worries that her start is meaningless without GG to cover it, while Eric, de retour and clairvoyant, warns Serena that this most likely means GG is working on something massive (and massively cruel).

Last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Bad Moon Rising,” gave us our first glimpse of the Lockwood curse in full form (ooo, guess what they are?), but it also showcased the Brothers Salvatore throwing themselves in harm’s way for the sake of beautiful ladies, a tragic break up, and a ROAD TRIP! Also, naked Mason. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Lycanthropy: It’s Classier than Saying Werewolf

Our opener features some nice juxtaposition: Stefan, Elena, and Damon fill Alaric (yay!) in on the latest in supernatural weirdness (Lockwoods), hoping to gain access to Isobel’s mystical Mystic Falls research while we watch Tyler stalk a running Mason through the woods. Mason checks something out at the old Lockwood plantation (which burned down, hmm), and Tyler finds a cellar of sorts with heavy duty chains and deep scratches on the walls. Alaric reveals that he never picked any of Isobel’s stuff up from Duke, so it’s time for a ROAP TRIP! And while I love a good road trip, we only saw Isobel working on a laptop at home. Surely Alaric has access to plenty of her files already.

Truer words were never spoken. Last night’s Gossip Girl, “Double Identity,” scored higher than last week’s episode in Ed Westwick faces, and it also scored higher for the return of Nate’s thinky face, Blair’s amazing dress, and (could it be?) momentary Dan cuteness. Plus we’re one step closer to figuring out Juliet’s deal, which probably means we’re about to completely flip the switch on whatever we thought it was. Our world just isn’t our world without Gossip Girl.

Juliet Sharp: Life Coach

Juliet and Nate apparently went on a seven hour coffee date, during which Nate spoke only of his relationship with Serena. How could that possibly fill seven hours? “Had sex on a bar stool, never seen or heard from again for a year, didn’t come back for me, slept with a bunch of dudes like my cousin T-Money, got together with me, told me she needed time, so I broke up with her.” Simple! He throws stuff out there like “she cheated on me” because Nate’s still a 12 year-old girl and acts like he didn’t break up with her for wanting to time to think (not that he’s not within his rights, but, like, deed is done, dude). Juliet claims that what Nate really needs is a life coach, a job for which she is ready to apply.