In what sounds like yet another made-up-by-the-media trend, all of one teen is claiming to be involved in biting and blood exchanges to demonstrate romantic passion and intimate friendship. While the doc quoted has legit concerns about infections, let me tell you why this is preposterous:

• This is the exact kind of shit that freaks teens out, which is why vampires work so well as a metaphor for sex.
• Vamps and their human lovers don't bite each other in Twilight. Humans aren't physically able to break through vampire skin. Vamp bites mean death or vampirism. Which brings us back to human-on-human action, and that is strictly prohibited in Twilight.
• The Vampire Diaries and True Blood do feature blood exchanges, but it's really only kinky sex stuff in True Blood. And while teens no doubt watch True Blood, they, too, would be freaked out by the INSANE sex scenes. Which means that they wouldn't want to do that kind of stuff because it is too freaky.

Ergo, the entire thing is too freaky, even for freaky teens. One high school does not a trend make.

I'm a big believer in making your own fun. If the Daily Show has taught me anything (oh, how it has), it's that the news can play a big role in said fun-making. All you need are a few headlines. Such as: 

"Victoria dancers sparkle in the limelight"
Misread that as daylight, and you might think Stephenie Meyer attacked Victoria.

"J'ai tué ma mère fails to win César"
So not only did Xavier Dolan's film lose, it also came home to face a very disappointed parent Montreal Gazette.

We are sitting here listening to Darren Dreger ask if Canadians should be worried that both Martin Brodeur and Roberto Luongo were both pulled in their most recent NHL games. Meanwhile, professional misanthrope Christopher Hitchens has an interesting take on this whole Olympics thing. Initial reaction: get a grip, Hitch! Sure, sports are not a cure-all for the ills of the world, and athletes can be unpleasant jerks, if not downright slimy (including, sometimes, Canadians). But you could make similar claims about, say, free speech: it often leads to conflict and suffering, and  people who exercise their right of free speech to the fullest often reveal themselves to be cruel, ignorant or both. (There are lots of people we'd like to see contract lockjaw.) But that's a poor argument for scorning the practice as a whole.

I can understand part of Hitchens's point, though. All the headlines about skiing, skating and sledding obscure other important stories. There is, for example, a new development in the war in Afghanistan -- involving Canadians, of course.

And finally, something totally unrelated: this, friends, is what an imaginative, top-notch piece of short fiction looks like.

Losing Hope for the Future of Humankind Dept.:

http://www.slate.com/id/2244062/

http://www.slate.com/id/2243797/

Mr. Kubus was caught by wildlife officials at Christchurch International Airport on South Island in December, about to board an overseas flight with 44 geckos and skinks in a hand-sewn package concealed in his underwear. That's just amazing. You'd think he'd have heard that underwear is out.