Last week, the final 3 battled it out, and Antonia came up short. So sad. This week, we have Richard (who is clearly a culinary genius, but sometimes gets in his own way by overthinking things and doubting himself) vs. Mike (who is clearly an a-hole, and hasn’t done much of anything exciting all season, food-wise). Can you tell who I want to win? The chefs get just one final challenge: create the restaurant of their dreams.

Elimination Challenge: Create your dream restaurant featuring a four-course menu.

All of the chefs from this season are in the kitchen, and Padma unceremoniously gives them a challenge of creating an amuse-bouche for the final two to help them pick their teams. Some of the people (Jen C. (although maybe that is just what her face looks like), Jaimie, and Marcel (I assume, behind his stupid sunglasses that he is wearing inside)) look less than thrilled to be there under these circumstances. The two finalists have to blind taste their dishes and select their sous-chefs based on that. This is a genius move on the producers’ part…no one is going to pick Marcel, but they might pick his food.

We are down to the final three here…Richard, Antonia and Mike. Mike starts things off right away and tells us that the three best chefs are left standing. That means he actually believes he is better than the likes of Angelo, Dale, Dale, Marcel, and pretty much everyone else. He really is insufferable.

Quickfire: Chefs must assign a classic top chef quickfire to one of their competitors

Wolfgang Puck and Padma introduce the quickfire, and as the description says, they get to pick a previous quickfire (from all 8 seasons) and give it to one of the other chefs. Mike gives Antonia the canned goods challenge. Antonia gives Richard the hot dog challenge. Richard gives Mike the one pot challenge.  The chefs begin cooking, and the Padma comes back in to tell them they now get to assign a twist to one of their competitors. Antonia is particularly worried about getting the “no utensils” twist, as she is working with freaking cans! Richard gives Mike the no utensils twist, Antonia gives Richard the cook with only one hand twist, and Antonia gets to have Carla as her left hand (they are stuck together like conjoined twins).

So, after last week’s emotionally draining show, we are headed to the Bahamas with the final five contestants. I don’t know if this means this is the last show or not. I guess time will tell. It could go a number of ways today, but those ways don’t include Mike or Tiffany. Sorry! It is nearing the end and I have to bring the harsh truth. The chefs arrive at some sort of fort, and there they meet Padma, Tom and Eric Ripert. Along with them are each of the winners from the chefs’ original seasons.

Quickfire: Chefs battle head-to-head against their season’s winner

That quickfire name could really use some punching up. It feels like that is what they called it in the initial mapping out meeting of the season and then they ran out of time and didn’t fix it. I will help them. This challenge is now called Blast away your Past. You’re welcome, writers. The chefs will have to cook with a secret ingredient that Colicchio selected for each of them. Each mini battle will net the winner $10,000. Not to shabby for 30 minutes of cooking.

Wow…we are down to the final five here. I can’t believe how close we are getting to the end. Richard is particularly sad about Dale’s departure, and I think he really respected him as a chef. I wish Mike wasn’t still here, mostly because he is annoying. I am surprised that Tiffany is still here, because she has been in the bottom so frequently and has made mediocre food so often. I do like her, at least.

Padma shows up at the apartment seconds after Antonia and Tiffany were talking about that very thing, and they are a bit spooked by it. She takes them up to the roof, to tell them and us pretty much nothing about the quickfire.

The chefs are shocked that Angelo went home last week; they all think that a chef of his caliber would have made it closer to the end. Tiffany thought that it was absolutely her time to go last week, and the other chefs agree with that sentiment.

Quickfire: Create a Deep-Fried Dish

Oh boy. The guest judge for this week is Paula Deen. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Ms. Deen (which more often borders on hate). I like her sassy southern ways, but her food is generally disgusting (often using an entire jar of mayonnaise for its base). It shocks no one that Paula’s challenge is to “create a deep-fried dish”. Paula claims that she has deep-fried balls of butter. Disgusting! The winner will get $5000.

Fabio’s departure last week is sad for a few reasons, not the least of which is that it spells the end of the bromantic relationship blooming between Richard and Fabio. He was never going to win, but he made for good TV. Carla is enjoying her recent win and thinks that she has what it takes to win this thing. I am rooting for her.

Quickfire: Create a cookie for Cookie Monster, Elmo and Telly.

Special guests for the Quickfire are some of the characters from Sesame Street, Elmo, Telly and Cookie Monster. Padma can’t even get the challenge instructions out because she interrupted by Cookie Monster who is very excited about the days’ challenge. Create the best cookie you can in 45 minutes. The winner will take home $5000.

Fabio and Mike are very bitter about their loss to Antonia, and claim that her mussels were actually a French dish. Hating! There is no talk of Tre’s exit.

Quickfire: Create a Unique Fondue. 30 Minutes

Let me just warn you now: I freaking love cheese fondue. It is the food of the gods. I will be judging these “unique fondues” very harshly. God, I want fondue now. Their guest judge is themselves. They will have to pick the best and worst dishes. There is no more immunity.

Make them an offer they can’t refuse

No one is particularly torn up about Marcel’s departure, and Mike is particularly glad to see him gone. I still have mixed feelings about his exit…who’s hair will I make fun of this week? We are down to 9 contestants, which still seems like a lot.

Quickfire: Make a plate that will be judged on presentation and aethetics only

Well it has taken 5 weeks, but finally, my wish has come true. We have only 1 Dale and 1 Tiffany left. Last week, Jamie and Red Hair Tiffani got the boot for their failures at the beachside fish fry. Wow…as Carla points out to us, there are only 3 women left at this point (herself, Antonia and Tiffany). We learn that Antonia has earned the nickname “The Black Hammer” because people she works with on teams seem to end up going home (both in her season and this time around as well). Hilarious.

The chefs head to Le Bernadin (Eric Ripert’s seafood restaurant), and observe a fish cleaning master at work. They seem genuinely awed by his skills.

Quickfire: Fillet and portion 1 cod and 1 fluke (to Le Bernadin’s standards) in 10 minutes

Last week, Casey got knifed. Everyone, including Jamie, thought she would be going home. I would much rather have Casey back this week than Jamie, who seems to have given up. There is some smack talk between Marcel and Dale about how Dale didn’t cook enough food for the challenge and how Marcel thinks he should have one. In a bit of an argument on the rooftop, Marcel drinks Bombay gin straight from the bottle. Marcel is super worked up about it, and Dale (to his credit) just walks away.

Elimination Challenge: Catch and Cook Fish for a Beach Party

It is super early in the morning and the chefs find out they will be fishing in Montauk. They meet Padma and Tom and find out that they will have 5 hours to catch as many fish as possible and then they will cook them on the beach for 200 guests. Oh and it will be a double elimination!

Spike’s knifing last week is not the subject of very much debate, but people do talk about how Angelo can’t help but get his hands into other people’s food.

Quickfire:

The chefs will face off against Tom Colicchio in a speed challenge to cook an entire dish. Tom cooks very quickly and throws something at Padma during his prep. Not classy, Tom! He cooks black bass with clams, tomato and zucchini, in 8 minutes, 37 seconds. The winner of the challenge gets immunity AND a Toyota Prius. Not too shabby!

Last week Jen lost her shit when she got eliminated for making a bland meal. People thought Jaime shouldn’t have left the challenge to get two stitches. Let's get right to the action!

Quickfire: Mise en Place Race and then Create a Dish

Someone is impressed that the guest in the kitchen is David Chang. I don’t know who this guy is, but apparently he has restaurants! The quickfire is being done in teams (listed below) and they start by prepping items, and then have to create a dish with them. The show is challenging me to figure out what mise en place means, and I am refusing to accept said challenge for now. There will be no immunity to the winners. The chefs fly through all sorts of prep and the speed of the knives makes me fear for their digits.

Last week Elia was eliminated for redoing her elimi-dish, but forgetting to cook the fish. Woops! Richard was DQ’d (sadly, not Dairy Queened) for going over a time limit probably because of some haters. Read about all of the fun here. 

First up we have a guest in the kitchen, and Spike is quick to tell us that the guest is a Jonas brother. Ha. He calls them Rock Stars. Is that true?

Quickfire: Make a midnight snack for kids (at The American Museum of Natural History ) (45 minutes) 

Welcome to the first Top Chef: All Stars recap!

 This season we have some “All Stars” to deal with, some of whom I know, but most that I am unfamiliar with. Apparently these people were all close runners up and/or fun personalities that they just want back on the air (ahem, Fabio). I have watched Top Chef intermittently throughout the years, and always enjoy it. Let’s hope our All-stars live up to their name.

It will become apparent early on that I don’t know everything about weird cheffy foods, so if I say something dumb about them, please do let me know. Knowledge!