I’d share with the extent of my disappointment with the last couple episodes of True Blood, but, since my 32 day-old computer died, I can’t really. Suffice it to say that I put a hell of lot of effort into “I Wish I Was The Moon” and none into “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” since it was largely about people feeling their feelings. Last night’s episode, “Spellbound,” got a bit more into the action, though some of it still felt  like wheel-spinning and contrivance for contrivance’s sake. Still, Hot Bill, Eric and Sookie getting stoned, and Martonia getting a pet aren’t so bad. Lafayette getting possessed and thus further drawn into that damnable baby plotline? Not so much. Where’s Jesus when you need him?

Silver is Not like a Band-Aid

Jessica’s all ready to bust open the doors and die very slowly and painfully out in the sun (remember, the younger a vamp is, the slower s/he burns). Fortunately, Jason’s there to jump her, boot the doors shut, and wrap darling Jessica in Bill’s zebra rug. Heh. Bill’s redecoration has not gotten old for me. Did he hire someone? I mean, surely to do all the work, but did he hire someone to help him with the colour palette and all that? My favourite thing about Bill is what Bill gets up to when we’re not looking, e.g., buying a Wii and Fresca, and that hasn’t changed over four seasons. It’s just icing that Bill is hot all the time now.

Last night’s True Blood, “Me and the Devil,” was another week of not much going on, but a lot of pieces were moved into place for things to go batshit in the weeks to come. For now we’re treated to some heavy philosophy, bouncing from religious freedom to heaven and hell to the nature of evil. Spectral Godric makes a very bad appearance, Adele makes a very good one from the Great Beyond, Lettie Mae resurfaces, King Bill’s life gets a little worse, Jason’s life gets a little better, and Tommy becomes a skinwalker. Best part? Not a single second in Horrible Hot Shot.

What about War and Self-Defence?

Joe-Lee’s still got that chain around Tommy’s neck at the top of the hour, and Melinda is running around alternating yelling at Joe-Lee not to kill Tommy and Tommy to be nicer to his dad. Melinda has gone from being tragic victim of violence to full-on crazy lady for me. Kill ‘em both, Tommy. And he does! Hurray! He plays dead a little, then brains Joe-Lee with a pipe. He keeps having to throw his crazy mama off his shoulder, and eventually Melinda doesn’t get up from one of those falls. “Mama?” he gaps into the credits.

Last night’s True Blood, “I’m Alive and on Fire,” was something of a letdown after three weeks of AMAZING. It naturally had to be (how could you keep that up?), though it was still disappointing when not much happened (and doubly disappointing to crash to black at 9:50 exactly). We did, however, get to further experience the tragedy of Bill Compton, gain some insight into our embittered witch friend, and watch one of the horrible denizens of Hot Shot die. Plus, there was a Wet Torso Contest, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I Will Slay All the Sea Monsters

No sooner has Claudine gone up in a cloud of faerie dust than Sookie is insistent that Eric get back to his cubby, lest the fae be lurking about. Puppy Eric is apparently more interested in keeling over. Just when I think he’s on his very own trip to Fairy Land, he sort of snores and wiggles his arms around and gets back up, blood all over his face because blood never washes. He slurs that he wants more and keeps approaching Sookie long after she tells him to quit it. He flicks back her side pony tail (guess he’s a right biter). As he comes in for the bite, Sookie whisper-yells, “Don’t, Eric, you’ll kill me.” Puppy Eric’s head snaps back. Wounded, he explains that he could never hurt Sookie. The fangs retract. Relieved, Sookie tries to lead him to the cubby, but Eric’s not having it. He keeps pinching her butt (“beautiful butt,” he clarifies) and running away at vamp-speed. Finally, Sookie gets it, “Eric, you’re drunk.” Drunkety drunk drunk drunk would be more accurate, but I guess that’s close enough. Drunky Eric is like, “Duh, Snooki.” Despite dawn approaching, he’s upping grab ass to tag. “Chase me,” he implores, taking off at vamp-speed. Sookie chases him into the credits.

Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

If “She’s Not There,” was set up, then last night’s True Blood, “You Smell Like Dinner,” is rapid payoff. Sure, a lot of it is just pushing forward everyone’s season arcs, but it feels less like soapy wheel spinning (secrets and lies) and more like actual things happening. Say what you will about True Blood; this show can cram a helluva lot of plot into an hour. Check it: Tara’s back, Crystal’s back, Bill flashes back, Eric flashes back, Sookie runs all over town trying to figure out how not to be Eric’s, and Pam gives some really good advice. Also, Louis Pasteur? Total vampire. Someone update that entry, STAT.

Two Sookies Enter, Only One Can Leave

Despite how we left things, with Eric advancing on Sookie fangs out and Sookie’s robe in his hand, Sookie’s hurrying down the stairs of Stackhouse Shack while tying her robe and denying that she will ever be Eric’s. Alright, let’s just get this one out of the way upfront, so we can concentrate on the proceedings: WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOESN’T WANT TO BE ERIC’S? SIGN ME UP! Ahem. Right, so, Eric zips down the stairs and tells it like it is: Sookie’s blood tastes like freedom and sunshine. While vampires may not realize it or why, that’s what they smell when they smell her. Sookie asks petulantly if Eric is threatening her (get a clue, Sook). He explains that on the contrary, Sookie’s going to need protection, and, straightening up to his full height of GIANT, he can offer that protection. Sookie will take her chances and flounces off to the kitchen, but Eric’s not going to rest his case quite that fast. He also, as you may recall, owns this house. Sookie snaps back that the house doesn’t come with her inside it, and Eric fires off that if that is the case, he “grossly overpaid.” I still think it’s gross that Eric considers Sookie transitive property or property of any kind, really.

HOLY SHIT! Truth: I yelled that while HBO Canada was giving me the 14A warning. Nothing had happened yet, but I was really excited, you guys. Fortunately, last night’s Season 4 True Blood première, “She’s Not There,” had “holy shit” in spades. It’s been over a year since Sookie stepped into the light with Claudine, and it has lead to a lot of delicious new developments for every single one of our beloved characters. Also, Eric tries his hand at growling. Result? Excellent. Now let’s do bad things.

WAIT: Before this season started, I read a number of things about how True Blood can get back on track after Season 3. I wasn’t aware that it went off-track in S3, but apparently people weren’t as into vampire politics as I am. Too bad, fools. Russell Edginton is a genius creation. Denis O’Hare, hats off to you.

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

OH SHIT! If you watched last week’s The Vampire Dairies, “The Dinner Party,” and didn’t yell “OH SHIT!” at least once, something is wrong with you. Can you kill an Original is the question on everyone’s mind tonight, and, boy, does that question get answered. Spectacularly.  I don’t even want to say anything else, lest I give too much away before the jump, so let’s say this: Nobody, and I mean NO BODY, does sweeps like The Vampire Diaries. Show, marry me.

Jeremy and Bonnie’s Plot is Short, So Let’s Hit It

Jeremy and Bonnie are, mysteriously, in public and not off having sex after their way hot kiss last week. I don’t understand Bonnie’s resolve when it comes to that boy. Last week one of my viewing companions pointed out that something Steven R. McQueen excels at is acting just completely thunderstruck by whoever Jeremy is into that week. I concur. Luka’s all, “Hey, what did you do to me?” And Bonnie can’t very well be like, “Tapped your brain for secrets. Sorry about your sister!”, so she plays dumb. It goes over like a lead balloon, so Jeremy jumps in all, “Stay away from my woman!”

Thought Blair may have said it in “The Townie,” Gossip Girl most assuredly is an Ouija board. And what Gossip Girl predicts is downfall for Lily, of all people. Find out how.

Nemesis

Blair and Dan are strolling and recapping, but, since I’ve already done the hard work, I’m skipping this. What’s missing is Juliet’s motive, and only Blair can understand: “There is only one motive to fuel a gaslighting as powerful as this: retribution.” She should know, having tried to Ostroff Serena once before. They remember when Serena was briefly allied with the Parisian police, so they decide ask the crime fighter herself for her insight into Juliet’s dark mind.

Oh, The Vampire Diaries, how we’ve missed you. Thanks for “The Sacrifice.” Everyone’s protecting everyone else all over that place: Bonnie, Jeremy, Stefan, and Damon all get in on a plan to save Elena, so you know our brave little toaster’s going to turn right around and try to save all of them. Which leaves Caroline and Tyler to save each other, which in turn leaves poor Matt out in the cold. And because he doesn’t want to feel left out, Alaric sacrifices his shirt. Atta boy.

Somehow the Opening Juxtapositions Have Already Lost Their Shine

The now-canon opening cross cut isn’t doing it for me this episode, so let’s skip it. Stefan and Damon head to the tomb to have a little chat with Katherine, who’s looking wan again, but at least someone brought her a sweater. They report their chat and the intel from Slater back to Elena: they can lift the curse (not sure if they mean the Petrova curse or all three) from the moonstone, essentially rendering it a useless object, which will save Elena. Katherine will turn over the stone in exchange for her freedom, a deal the brothers have no intention of honouring. Damon: “Yup, we’re awesome.”

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Katerina,” dealt us a heavy blow of exposition, but it was far more lively and interesting than boring ol’ “Memory Lane.” There was so much going on here that we better just dig right in.

“The” Curse

First, a bit of housekeeping: every time someone says “the curse,” you might think that they are talking about one curse, but you are wrong. Even saying “the sun and the moon curse” is still conflating ideas. From now on there are three (3!) curses : 1) the sun curse, aka the curse that restricts vampires to the night; 2) the moon curse that turns werewolves under the full moon; and 3) the Petrova curse. Speak of the devil . . .

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “Rose,” was a little lacking in the holy shit compared to “Masquerade.” Of course, it’s hard not to do. Perhaps they were simply observing the cardinal rule of taking it down a notch to avoid blowing one’s wad. If so, well played. We got deeper into the Petrova mystery, Bonnie’s witchy powers, and Salvatore heartbreak. Also, did I mention the ROAD TRIP? Let’s go.

ROAD TRIP

Stefan’s chillin’ like a villain at school (I take a minute to laugh at this continued pretence). Jeremy strolls up to point out that’s easier to get someone to cover for you if you give that someone a heads up. Stefan doesn’t know what Jer’s talking about, and it pretty soon they both realize that Elena’s unaccounted for. Stefan is going to have a meltdown.

Going into last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Masquerade,” we knew two things: that Stefan and Damon were going to kill Katherine and that Matt was going to die to turn Tyler, which mean that we knew one more thing: neither of these characters were going to die. Not that The Vampire Diaries isn’t the kind of show that goes around just killing characters for the heck of it – because it so is and that’s one of the many reasons we love it – but because it’s too soon to kill Katherine and killing Matt would just be a waste. The great thing about this show, though, is that you’re actually on the edge of your seat wondering how these plots will be thwarted. And that how? Is so awesome. I love this show.

Because I’m Going to Kill Her

Eternal Fireplace. “Masquerade” begins with the now classic intercut intro. Damon’s administering a calming tumbler of blood to a shaken Caroline while prompting her to run the story by a newly arrived Stefan. Caroline’s story is cut with delightful little editorials from Damon. The gist: Katherine’s down at the Grill impersonating Elena. In the bathroom, she once again uses Caroline as her messenger: tell Damon and Stefan that I want the moonstone tonight at the masquerade ball. Having something Katherine wants is one thing, but having an opportunity is something neither brother can pass up. Damon immediately crows that he’s going to kill Katherine, and Stefan goes, “No, you’re not.” This goes back and forth for a short while because Somerhalder and Wesley have got the brother thing down pat, but finally Damon is like, “This is no time for your humanity, bro,” and Stefan tells the truth, “You're not going to kill her. [beat] Because I’m going to kill her.” Aw, hells ya.

Last week's Gossip Girl, "Goodbye Columbia," offered the usual scheming and machinations by Chuck and Blair, eye-popping stupidity for Vanessa and Nate, and stupendous lack of awareness for Serena. I would complain, but this (and the insane clothes) is why we watch the show, is it not?

Scheming: I Almost Forgot How Much I Used to Enjoy Your Pie

Blair's deluded herself into thinking that Columbia's campus will provide an oasis from her war with Chuck. Naturally, this incantation summons Chuck to campus: he's "auditing a few classes" for . . . something . . . related to the Bart Bass Memorial Rotunda. Amazingly, Blair's reaction is pretty much, "Buh?", so Chuck starts explaining a rotunda in a way not dissimilar to the time he cut Gabriel (who's amazing in The Social Network, btw) off with "I think we all know what a Ponzi scheme is." Blair's shock, however, is to seeing her oasis so quickly revealed as a mirage, and this will not be the last time this episode the Chuck has to explain the concept of war to Blair.

Monday's Gossip Girl, "Touch of Eva," gave us several unexpected things: Eva's not evil, Nate is capable of using powers of observation, and Dan's hair could always get worse. All this and the greatest thing Chuck has ever said since "I'm Chuck Bass." Delicious!

Only Eva Could Make Being a Secret Prostie Boring

Blair and Serena lie to each other's faces that they are going to stay away from Chuck/Eva and Dan/Vanessa/Nate/Juliet, respectively. Blair's been Gossip Girl0stalking Chuck/Eva, learning about his newfound philanthropy and Cartier watch-giving. Aw, remember when Blair had to talk him out of buying a homeless shelter and turning it into lofts for hipsters? Good stuff. Blair tries retail therapy, by which she means pricing the watch Chuck gave Eva to see if it is more valuable than anything he gave her, and finds Eva returning the watch for cash, which she films. Attagirl.

Last night’s The Vampire Diaries, “Bad Moon Rising,” gave us our first glimpse of the Lockwood curse in full form (ooo, guess what they are?), but it also showcased the Brothers Salvatore throwing themselves in harm’s way for the sake of beautiful ladies, a tragic break up, and a ROAD TRIP! Also, naked Mason. You know, if you’re into that kind of thing.

Lycanthropy: It’s Classier than Saying Werewolf

Our opener features some nice juxtaposition: Stefan, Elena, and Damon fill Alaric (yay!) in on the latest in supernatural weirdness (Lockwoods), hoping to gain access to Isobel’s mystical Mystic Falls research while we watch Tyler stalk a running Mason through the woods. Mason checks something out at the old Lockwood plantation (which burned down, hmm), and Tyler finds a cellar of sorts with heavy duty chains and deep scratches on the walls. Alaric reveals that he never picked any of Isobel’s stuff up from Duke, so it’s time for a ROAP TRIP! And while I love a good road trip, we only saw Isobel working on a laptop at home. Surely Alaric has access to plenty of her files already.

Last night’s True Blood season finale, “Evil Is Going On,” was on the boring side. Sure, I looked at the clock at 9:42 and thought, “What else is going to happen?”, but there were a lot of cheated out “drama” moments that were scary to exactly no one except maybe Steve Newlin. On the other hand, Godric!

Spectral Godric Suggests You Forgive and Forget

Eric and Russell have switched into sunbathing positions on the Fangtasia parking lot, and it’s the usual “I can’t believe you are still this upset about your dad” stuff. Blah blah looking for goats for my wolves, blah blah too big for his britches cakes. Godric appears to Eric, glowing and robed in white and generally being awesome like you know Godric should be, and tells him to forgive Russell. It’s worth noting that Godric speaks to Eric in Swedish while Eric replies in English. Divorcing his past? At any rate, Eric’s not in the forgiving mood, so Godric tells him that Russell will find peace in death. “NOOOO!” Eric bellows into the credits.

So much deliciousness in last night's True Blood entry, "Fresh Blood:" Yvetta's revenge, Jessica and Hoyt, Andy's confession, younger Arlene. Lots of action down at Fangtasia, and, of course, Eric does have a plan. One that Godric would like, I think.

Bill is a Third Grade Teacher, and Sookie is a Real Estate Agent

Bill busts into Fangtasia, demanding Sookie and Eric, so of course Pam's just in the midst of dropping a little something down her cleavage. Bill's like, "Ah am older and stronger and just drank a fairy, so piss off," and Pam's like, "That's not part of the plan," so they fight. Bill is winning, so that's when Pam whips out her little something from down her cleavage: a spray bottle of water and silver, vampire pepper spray if you will. Bill sets to wailing.

Lots of holy shit moments in last night’s True Blood, “I Smell a Rat,” largely associated with confessions rather than dramatic actions: Tara comes clean about what happened to her, Jason comes clean about Eggs, Crystal comes clean about what she is, Arlene comes clean about the baby’s father, Jesus and Lafayette take a spiritual journey through their past. Also: Sookie is a fairy.

Sookie is a Fairy, and Eric is a Farmer

Bill’s in the midst of telling her this, while Sookie’s all, “Shut the front door,” but the minute he invokes Claudine’s name, Sookie’s ready to listen. Bill instantly recognized Sunshine Town as Bon Temps Cemetery and found out from Claudine that Sookie is a fairy. Every vampire who knows the truth wants a piece of Sookie because 1) the fay were wiped out years ago by vampires as 2) their blood is so intoxicating. Indeed, Bill finds Sookie’s blood the most delicious he has ever tasted.  So, she’s la tua cantante but for every vampire. Anyway, Bill’s happy to foreswear her blood forever just to prove his love for her (also: self-denial is his second favourite thing after self-loathing). Sookie just looks wide-eyed and misty at all of this.

Because three vampire posts in a row are better than two, let's all take a moment to admire Rolling Stone's True Blood cover for their September issue, shall we?

The only question is, will this implied threeway come to pass on the show? Okay, there are other questions like, "If Alexander Skarsgaard doesn't wear a sock, why does Stephen?" and "How do I get the job standing around splashing these guys with more blood?" and "How many sit ups went into this shoot?" There just aren't any other relevant  questions.