In last night's episode of The Vampire Diaries, "Under Control," we were assured that with only three episodes left in the season, absolutely everything is headed for a catastrophic breaking point. Can't wait. Also, before we continue, still no sign of Bonnie, only a mention of Caroline. I get that these actors' contracts probably don't allow for them to be in every episode, but they should really work on that for next season.

Stefan's Still On the Juice

Apparently after last week's episode ending binge, Stefan quit human blood again cold turkey, which led to a work out montage with which I have no arguments. It's not so easy for Stefan to wean himself off, though: in a scene out of Twilight, during a sexy moment with Elena, he's overwhelmed with blood lust and sends himself flying into the furthest wall, breaking a lamp in the process. Later, he turns to drink to keep the edge off (parroting Damon from earlier in the season), which introduces us to Drunk Stefan. Paul Wesley, thank you for Drunk Stefan, as he is a sight to behold. It's quickly revealed that while Sober Stefan takes the Brandon Walsh approach to dance (he doesn't), Drunk Stefan is all about it, going so far as a compel the DJ at the latest Founder's Shenanbon to start up a dance party. Unfortunately, some rageholic flips when Elena bumps him during some too vigorous dancing, so Stefan compels him to apologize like he means it. Also unfortunately, this scene was too dark and at an odd angle such that I suspected that Rageoids was only faking being compelled and was mere moments away from outing Stefan to the Council. That didn't turn out to be the case, but Rageoids will get his chance after he decides to attack (!) Stefan in the parking lot, so embarrassed/annoyed (!!) is he at having to apologize. Stefan, who is fleeing the party after almost snacking on Kelly (more on that in the minute), breaks Rageoids' fist and considers helping himself to some sweet, sweet blood, but continues on his plan to flee the scene when Elena shows up looking for him. Later, completely tweaking, he confesses to Elena that this withdrawal is much worse than the last, and he's not certain she's safe with him. Elena decides that she is anyway (minus point, but plus point for mentioning that it's scary to just appear in someone's bedroom, so wash). But Damon's got to have the last word: after laying out all the trouble they're in, Damon deliberately leaves unattended a glass of sweet, sweet blood behind, and Stefan throws it down with style. Ah, damn. Love it. Also:

Summit plans to release the The Twilight Saga: Eclipse trailer in front of Robert Pattinson's new feature, Remember Me, which opens tomorrow, which is why the trailer's on the Internet today. Oh, sweet Internet, what do you have for us this time out? More shirtless Lautner? More wolf vs. vampire battles? More unbuttoning? Let's see:

TWoP has a photo gallery up about why The Vampire Diaries is so addictive (don't they know I already wrote all those posts for you in pursuit of what makes the show awesome?), but let me save you the trouble of clicking through with these three words: the Brothers Salvatore. I like Elena, I love Bonnie, Caroline's cool, and mad props go out to my dearly (sexistly) departed ladies Vicki, Lexi, Bree, and Grams. But the Brothers Salvatore make the show. Thanks to the writing and the wily performances of Paul Wesley and Ian Somerhalder, Stefan and Damon are never who you think they are.

At first blush, Stefan's the earnest, brooding good guy and Damon's his dangerous, bad boy older brother. While Stefan can be earnest and does brood (specifically with his forehead,  Damon would tell you), he's also far more dangerous than Damon could ever hope to be. Damon kills to feed or to protect himself: he's motivated entirely by his emotions. He views humans as a lesser life form, and it comes across in his every action.

Stefan, on the hand, tries to simultaneously embrace the benefits of being a vampire (longevity, super speed/hearing/strength) while rejecting that which sustains him (human blood). The wistful way he spoke of all the different jobs he's held for as long as he could didn't betray a longing to return to his human form: it spoke of someone determined to get as much as he could out of the life he chose. He's not self-loathing like Edward or Bill. He accepts, and he moves on. But you know what it takes to do as much accepting and moving on as he has? Motherfuckin' sangfroid, which he has in spades. Unlike Damon, Stefan readily forms human attachments, and his determination to protect them (not himself) from things that go bump in the night (although sadly not from Bumpits) leads him to some pretty dark places. We've seen him stake and flame-throw other vampires without hesitation. What will he do if another human ever threatens Elena? How far would he go? He's smart, funny, passionately in love, and loyal to both people and place. He's also an icy dispatcher of foes and not above poisoning his own brother. He's a study in contrasts.

I'm a big believer in making your own fun. If the Daily Show has taught me anything (oh, how it has), it's that the news can play a big role in said fun-making. All you need are a few headlines. Such as: 

"Victoria dancers sparkle in the limelight"
Misread that as daylight, and you might think Stephenie Meyer attacked Victoria.

"J'ai tué ma mère fails to win César"
So not only did Xavier Dolan's film lose, it also came home to face a very disappointed parent Montreal Gazette.

Excellent news, fang-bangers: TwiCon got booted from its location in downtown Toronto thanks to this little thing called the G20 summit, so they relocated to Landsdowne Park. Say, what? Yup, Ottawa was on the radar, and now it's the place to be June 25 to 27 for TwiHards, TwiMoms, and people who like Sam from True Blood. He's going to be here, and, as your ace vampire reporter, I'm going to have to be there. It's the least I can do. Just like showing you this photo from Eclipse.  You're welcome.

Previously, I reported my disappointment that Chris Weitz could direct two more Twilight movies. Now it appears that Summit will push ahead with filming in Vancouver this fall regardless of who they get to fill the director's chair, and it looks like it won't be Weitz. As I previously mentioned, one movie or two, I don't care because Breaking Dawn is bananas. If they do break it (and now that I'm thinking about it, they should), I suspect it will be around the -- spoiler alert -- childbirth-transition mark or Melissa Rosenberg would do well to end it on a cliffhanger (not unlike New Moon) with Alice dropping the vase and announcing a vision in which they all die.

Now, who can they get to direct them? May I suggest Catherine Hardwicke for Part 1 and David Slade for Part 2 if Summit wants to dip back into the well?  Regardless of the possible animosity between director and studio, Hardwicke excelled at building a haunting teenage love story with just a little tragedy and violence at the edges in Twilight, and the first part of Breaking Dawn continues Bella and Edward's love story with just a little tragedy and violence at the edges. Slade, who directed 30 Days of Night and will be responsible Eclipse this summer, can take on the more danger/thriller aspects of the finale, assuming his vision of Eclipse doesn't suck.

If the Summit wants to hire someone new, it will at least have built a reputation of doing so. Perhaps Canadian Jean-Marc Vallée, director behind the swoony long-distance love affair in The Young Victoria, for the romance-focused half, and Alfonso Cuarón, who is no stranger to steamy with Y tu mamá también, high-profile literary adaptations with Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, and end of the world-style tragedies with babies at their centre with Children of Men. Other vampire-aware director suggestions: Vincenzo Natali ("Quartier de la Madeleine"), Timur Bekmambetov (Night Watch and Day Watch), and Kathryn Bigelow (Near Dark). Of course, if she keeps scooping up best director awards for The Hurt Locker, it might take a little doing to entice her to this field. Then again, maybe she's one of those middle aged women who love Stephenie Meyer's work.

Last January, I reported seven film trends that defined 2008's cinema. The seventh was "vampires are everywhere." Guess what? 2009 was no less obsessed with vampires than 2008. Last night's People's Choice Awards saw seven statues go to vampires or vampire-related properties: Taylor Lautner for Breakout Actor, Twilight Saga for on-screen team and franchise, Twilight for movie*, Vampire Diaries for new TV drama, Supernatural for sci-fi/fantasy show, and True Blood for TV obsession. That last one fits so well it's almost a cliché: you don't watch True Blood. You gasp and yell, "Holy shit!" and get really pissed off if someone tries to call you between 9 and 10 on a Sunday night to interrupt your weekly heart attack. Naturally, Gossip Girl is the only point of comparison in the category.

*Not that New Moon can't fall into a hole for all I care, but Twilight came out in 2008. Why is it on the docket? I know I've become weirdly obsessed with Twilight as a direct result of my disappointment with New Moon, but surely not all the other "people" feel that way.  

Also on the vampire front, CBC put together this quiz, on which I received 10 out of 10 because I am vampire-obsessed or, as they put it, "You’re so badass, you have blood smoothies for breakfast."

I'm delighted to tell you that it didn't take all week to figure out how Vampire Diaries went from so-bad-it's-good to genuinely good. It was episode six, "Lost Girls." But first I had to slog my way through episode five, "You're Undead to Me." Okay, slog is a little harsh since the episode featured a car wash, which meant it featured lots of toned arms, but there's little of note except:

 

 

In yesterday's marathon installment, "Friday Night Bites" and "Family Ties," we saw some improvement over the first two episodes but not quite enough to call the show actually good yet. Still, as I suspected, episode three and dear Stefan are at the heart of making the show work as anything other than a juicebomb.

The Good:

 

When I first saw this news, my only thought was, "Motherfucker." It was more out of disappointment than any real annoyance. One of the difficulties of film criticism is reconciling the seventh art with the fact it's ultimately a money making venture. Poets don't write for the money.

So from a capitalist point of view, I can certainly understand why Summit would flip the bird to the mostly negative reviews of New Moon and make overtures to win back director Chris Weitz, he of the $480-million-worldwide-and-counting gross. Even without capitalism, I see no reason to argue against splitting up Breaking Dawn into two movies. That book is completely bananas, so scribe Melissa Rosenberg should do whatever she has to to make it work.

But what about David Slade, whose Eclipse is set to hit theatres in July? New Moon out-grossed Twilight. Who's to say that Eclipse won't out-gross New Moon? It is, after all, the best book in the series (IMHO, of course). If they give both Breaking Dawns (Breaking Dawn 2: Vampire Boogaloo) to Weitz, how will they reward Slade? Make him sparkle? 

You were too busy seeing New Moon approximately 28 times this weekend to watch Saturday Night Live, but let me tell you something: you missed out. (Cult)ure hero Joseph Gordon-Levitt hosted with all the enthusiasm of someone who's been dying to host since he first found out what SNL was. Not only that, his opening monologue showed that he's apparently ready for a musical comedy revival any day now. See for yourself after the jump!

After you've gone and OME!ed all over a theatre near you, what should you do with the rest of your weekend? Engage in a Team Edward vs. Team Jacob fight to the death? No, sillies. You should go see another movie. Without further ado, New Moon counter programming.

The Blind Side, in which Sandra Bullock's rich Southern housewife takes in a poor black teenager, opens this weekend. I'd try to snark, but the trailer gets me every damn time. For the kids, you've got Planet 51, in which an American astronaut touches down on what's thought to be an uninhabited planet to find it very inhabited indeed.

Over at the Bytowne, Bright Star is still playing to further sate your doomed romance jones, as well as The Damned United to further sate your Michael Sheen jones. If you've got a clothing jones, you can check out Coco avant Chanel.

I heretofore had no opinion of Miley Cyrus, and my non-opinion has been extended to "Miley Cyrus possibly has a poor grasp on the English language." In an interview in which Cyrus says that she has not seen Twilight nor will she, she further elaborates, "I don't believe in it." She goes on to say that she has no real interest in vampires or wolves, which is fine, but she doesn't "believe in it"? It's not real until Miley says so? Like it or don't like it, it's your choice. But to deny to existence of a multi-million dollar franchise seems a little shortsighted. On the other hand, maybe she's upset that she isn't featured on the bitchin' soundtrack.

[REDACTED], a 31 year-old New Yorker, that's who! In a feature about why middle-aged moms are swooning over the Twilight series, NY Mag's Em & Lo not only found middle-aged New York women willing to openly admit to their Twi-Hard status but also to say weird things like that. I'm sort of bewildered because I find Pattinson odd-looking (I just do, it's nothing personal), but I'm not willing to begrudge [REDACTED] finding someone attractive nor do I see a problem with her liking Twilight. As my mom always says, there's no accounting for taste.

I'm definitely bewildered by the fridge-photo connection, though. I also have photos on my fridge. They're of people I know, personally, IRL.

At least that's what I'm forced to infer from the new Vitamin Water/New Moon tie-in commercial. No sooner am I promised antioxidants via watered down juice than a young man suddenly morphs into a wolf/husky/thing! See for yourself after the jump.

Despite the fact that I'm in my mid-twenties and headed toward my late twenties soon enough, I still watch the CW. I came of age when the network did (back when it was the WB): Buffy started when I was 13; Dawson's Creek premièred when I was 14. We have a bond. It's usually called"hotties."

I went into Melrose Place Tuesday evening expecting nothing and got the same in return. It doesn't seem like it will be the endlessly fun camp-fest of the original, and virtually none of the characters attract attention. Katie Cassidy, known to some as original recipe Ruby (Supernatural) and others as doomed Trish Wellington (Harper's Island), is the lone stand out as the truly bitchy Ella Simms, a.k.a the new Heather Locklear (compete with jokes about bad dye jobs). They've upped the ante by turning the character bi, but she's still hung up on some guy who's only got eyes for someone else. As much love as I have for Cassidy, she's not enough of a reason to stick it out. Final Verdict: Good enough when there's nothing else to do and you are bored our of your gourd. Not good enough for any other reason.

Though the Vampire Diaries books are older than Twilight and True Blood, the success of the latter two no doubt secured Kevin Williamson's adaptation a place on the CW's schedule. Fortunately for us viewers, it's just the right blend of soapy, campy, and violent. Also fortunately, no one's used the word soulmate yet. After one episode, all the characters are more vivid and interesting than everyone in the Twi-verse. Sadly, because of a little thing called "censors," they will never be as "vivid" (read: naked) as the good people of Bon Temps. But hot vampire brothers locked in a centuries long battle over a woman whose doppelgänger is already interested in at least one of them? There are worse things.
Final verdict: Assuming I never have to hear the s-word again, a full season order would do me fine. 

I cannot believe this didn't occur to me sooner. Normally I like my pop culture worlds to remains discrete (e.g. I don't spend a lot of time wondering what would happen if we got Edward some TruBlood because: Bill), but in last night's episode of True Blood (this season's penultimate), Eric did something that I knew I had seen somewhere before. To wit:

Blair's expression, while not moving in any way, somehow becomes totally terrifying. It is one of the greatest parts of this or any other episode. 

That's from Jacob's recap of The Ex Files, season 2, episode 4 of Gossip Girl.

June continues to be some sort of cinematic wasteland (what is this, March?), but we will solider on.  I can't imagine why anyone would go see the Tony Scott remake of The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3* or Imagine That, so we'll just have to go looking for our movie kicks somewhere else. 

Easy Virtue opens this weekend at World Exchange Centre (or WEX, as we call it), and, while I have not read a single review, much less a single positive review, I have utter confidence in Colin Firth (who is surely dying in that movie, as he looks like he's on death's door in every ad) and Kristin Scott Thomas, as they both kick so much ass. 

You've got Tyson and Little Ashes at the Bytowne. I don't know if you could tell from "The Crazy Index," but Robert Pattinson, just in and of himself, is hilarious to me, so I'll be there giggling madly. 

I don't know because I don't watch that sort of thing,* but apparently the New Moon trailer premiered at the MTV Awards.  Can't tell which part is funnier: that they focus so heavily on what's, as I recall, they first two chapters of the book; that I'm supposed to believe Bella could outrun Laurent for even a second; that a guy who is part wolf would be body hair free (but the vampire has chest hair? c'mon); or the wolf. See for yourselves:

[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSFMmkMfQ5Q 560x340]

As always, don't forget to open the post as its own page to view the video. 

Alright, fine, you made it through the week without killing yourself or others. Here's my gift to you: vampire abs. There, you can have it.

[video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1BHZ4UQ2GA 425x344]

Don't forget to click on the title of the post to view the video.