Good news, guys! As suspected, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter's second trailer, a.k.a. not the teaser trailer, did a much better job at convincing me to see the movie. Even "Are you a patriot or a vampire?" makes sense now! See for yourselves:

YouTube just served the Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter trailer up to me, so I took a big bite. Boy, does it make me not want to see a movie that I previously wanted to see.

An actual email conversation between Emily and me.

Emily: What is happening here? http://popwatch.ew.com/2012/01/04/twilight-the-musical-its-happening/

Me: As a one-night-only charity event, I’m okay. As an actual idea, I am  . . . what would even happen? Loads of creaky ballads from Bella about her luv, Edward would start out singing a ballad (or a German art song) and start screeching heavy metal (bi-polar), and Jacob would randomly pop up to wail on his axe. Actually, that sounds kind of cool.

Oh, you guys. I know we're all in a tizzy to attend the nuptials of those two crazy kids (using the term loosely, of course), so I bet you're wondering what to get the couple who has everything (or can afford to buy it). The answer, I don't mind tell you, is a 10 piece dinner set for two for $160. I've been to enough weddings to know that people really do register for pricey place settings like this (whereas I prefer some good old fashioned shatter resistant Corelle), so I'm not going to quibble over the price. I can't tell if my favourite part is the suggestion that this is a great "gift-idea" or the fact that the copy editor thinks "gift idea" is a hyphenate.

Despite rocking all over the place the week prior, Alaric is nowhere to be seen in last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Reckoning.” I guess he needed to recharge the AWESOME before dropping it on us again (next time!). In the meantime, Caroline’s obsession with doing normal, fun, teenage things ends disastrously (yet again) for pretty much everyone involved: Matt, Elena, Tyler, Bonnie, Stefan, and Klaus and Rebekah to a certain extent. Even Damon gets his feelings hurt. Things go slightly better for Katherine, but it’s really only a matter of time.

Mystic Falls is Afraid of Locks

So Matt is working out at high school by himself at night. I'm pretty sure you can't just bust into the weight room like that. To the point where we needed supervision just to use it during normal school hours at my high school. But we all know the townsfolk of Mystic Falls don’t stand on little things like legal liability. A shadow runs by, and Matt runs after it because he is so sad that even ghost friends seem like a good company to him. Instead, he finds Tyler, Caroline, Bonnie, and Elena setting up mousetraps all over the floor in an empty classroom because . . . it’s senior prank night. And none of his alive (or undead, in Caroline’s case) friends invited him. Thanks, guys? And you wonder why Matt is so lonely that he WANTS to be friends with a ghost. Outside of Casper, of course. We all want to be friends with Casper, right? Devon Sawa was so cute back then!

I’d share with the extent of my disappointment with the last couple episodes of True Blood, but, since my 32 day-old computer died, I can’t really. Suffice it to say that I put a hell of lot of effort into “I Wish I Was The Moon” and none into “Cold Grey Light of Dawn” since it was largely about people feeling their feelings. Last night’s episode, “Spellbound,” got a bit more into the action, though some of it still felt  like wheel-spinning and contrivance for contrivance’s sake. Still, Hot Bill, Eric and Sookie getting stoned, and Martonia getting a pet aren’t so bad. Lafayette getting possessed and thus further drawn into that damnable baby plotline? Not so much. Where’s Jesus when you need him?

Silver is Not like a Band-Aid

Jessica’s all ready to bust open the doors and die very slowly and painfully out in the sun (remember, the younger a vamp is, the slower s/he burns). Fortunately, Jason’s there to jump her, boot the doors shut, and wrap darling Jessica in Bill’s zebra rug. Heh. Bill’s redecoration has not gotten old for me. Did he hire someone? I mean, surely to do all the work, but did he hire someone to help him with the colour palette and all that? My favourite thing about Bill is what Bill gets up to when we’re not looking, e.g., buying a Wii and Fresca, and that hasn’t changed over four seasons. It’s just icing that Bill is hot all the time now.

Last night’s True Blood, “Me and the Devil,” was another week of not much going on, but a lot of pieces were moved into place for things to go batshit in the weeks to come. For now we’re treated to some heavy philosophy, bouncing from religious freedom to heaven and hell to the nature of evil. Spectral Godric makes a very bad appearance, Adele makes a very good one from the Great Beyond, Lettie Mae resurfaces, King Bill’s life gets a little worse, Jason’s life gets a little better, and Tommy becomes a skinwalker. Best part? Not a single second in Horrible Hot Shot.

What about War and Self-Defence?

Joe-Lee’s still got that chain around Tommy’s neck at the top of the hour, and Melinda is running around alternating yelling at Joe-Lee not to kill Tommy and Tommy to be nicer to his dad. Melinda has gone from being tragic victim of violence to full-on crazy lady for me. Kill ‘em both, Tommy. And he does! Hurray! He plays dead a little, then brains Joe-Lee with a pipe. He keeps having to throw his crazy mama off his shoulder, and eventually Melinda doesn’t get up from one of those falls. “Mama?” he gaps into the credits.

Last night’s True Blood, “I’m Alive and on Fire,” was something of a letdown after three weeks of AMAZING. It naturally had to be (how could you keep that up?), though it was still disappointing when not much happened (and doubly disappointing to crash to black at 9:50 exactly). We did, however, get to further experience the tragedy of Bill Compton, gain some insight into our embittered witch friend, and watch one of the horrible denizens of Hot Shot die. Plus, there was a Wet Torso Contest, so I guess it’s not all bad.

I Will Slay All the Sea Monsters

No sooner has Claudine gone up in a cloud of faerie dust than Sookie is insistent that Eric get back to his cubby, lest the fae be lurking about. Puppy Eric is apparently more interested in keeling over. Just when I think he’s on his very own trip to Fairy Land, he sort of snores and wiggles his arms around and gets back up, blood all over his face because blood never washes. He slurs that he wants more and keeps approaching Sookie long after she tells him to quit it. He flicks back her side pony tail (guess he’s a right biter). As he comes in for the bite, Sookie whisper-yells, “Don’t, Eric, you’ll kill me.” Puppy Eric’s head snaps back. Wounded, he explains that he could never hurt Sookie. The fangs retract. Relieved, Sookie tries to lead him to the cubby, but Eric’s not having it. He keeps pinching her butt (“beautiful butt,” he clarifies) and running away at vamp-speed. Finally, Sookie gets it, “Eric, you’re drunk.” Drunkety drunk drunk drunk would be more accurate, but I guess that’s close enough. Drunky Eric is like, “Duh, Snooki.” Despite dawn approaching, he’s upping grab ass to tag. “Chase me,” he implores, taking off at vamp-speed. Sookie chases him into the credits.

Ho, boy. Last night’s True Blood, “If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin’?” had a whole lot of only a few of things: horrible Crystal in horrible Hot Shot, approximately 1000 new faces from Puppy Eric, and rape. Talking about it, threatening it, seeing it happen. If you know me, then you know that’s my line, so I don’t know how I am going to deal with the fallout. I’ll probably comfort myself with the triumphant return of Alcide.

This is . . . my house?

Out by the side of the road, the camera makes sure to lovingly pan up from Puppy Eric’s bare feet (called it!), revel in his naked torso, and come to rest on his handsome, confused face. Fangs out, he wonders anew why Sookie smells so good, but this time he’s a little more descriptive: “Like wheat (sniff) and honey (sniff) and sunshine.” Sookie: “You know perfectly well why I smell . . . the way that I do.” She punctuates this with a pert little nod, like, this topic is no longer open for discussion, and I marvel at the idea that Sookie/Anna Paquin was ever considered a weak link on this show. We couldn’t be luckier to have her, folks. Puppy Eric, however, pays no never mind to the naysayers and leans into the car to, I don’t know, take a big whiff. Sookie hits the gas, makes it all of a couple of hundred feet while watching Puppy Eric in the rear view, then stops when she doesn’t see him anymore. Forsooth, Sookie. Try to remember that time he punched a giant dent into the front of your car. Was that her car or was it Bill’s? If it was her’s, you know he got that fixed up, too. Do you think it’s significant that her car and her house are yellow? Is it related to her sunshiny-ness? Item reserved. So Sookie’s looking around when Puppy Eric reappears and pounces on her through her open window. Sookie screams us into the credits.

If “She’s Not There,” was set up, then last night’s True Blood, “You Smell Like Dinner,” is rapid payoff. Sure, a lot of it is just pushing forward everyone’s season arcs, but it feels less like soapy wheel spinning (secrets and lies) and more like actual things happening. Say what you will about True Blood; this show can cram a helluva lot of plot into an hour. Check it: Tara’s back, Crystal’s back, Bill flashes back, Eric flashes back, Sookie runs all over town trying to figure out how not to be Eric’s, and Pam gives some really good advice. Also, Louis Pasteur? Total vampire. Someone update that entry, STAT.

Two Sookies Enter, Only One Can Leave

Despite how we left things, with Eric advancing on Sookie fangs out and Sookie’s robe in his hand, Sookie’s hurrying down the stairs of Stackhouse Shack while tying her robe and denying that she will ever be Eric’s. Alright, let’s just get this one out of the way upfront, so we can concentrate on the proceedings: WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOESN’T WANT TO BE ERIC’S? SIGN ME UP! Ahem. Right, so, Eric zips down the stairs and tells it like it is: Sookie’s blood tastes like freedom and sunshine. While vampires may not realize it or why, that’s what they smell when they smell her. Sookie asks petulantly if Eric is threatening her (get a clue, Sook). He explains that on the contrary, Sookie’s going to need protection, and, straightening up to his full height of GIANT, he can offer that protection. Sookie will take her chances and flounces off to the kitchen, but Eric’s not going to rest his case quite that fast. He also, as you may recall, owns this house. Sookie snaps back that the house doesn’t come with her inside it, and Eric fires off that if that is the case, he “grossly overpaid.” I still think it’s gross that Eric considers Sookie transitive property or property of any kind, really.

HOLY SHIT! Truth: I yelled that while HBO Canada was giving me the 14A warning. Nothing had happened yet, but I was really excited, you guys. Fortunately, last night’s Season 4 True Blood première, “She’s Not There,” had “holy shit” in spades. It’s been over a year since Sookie stepped into the light with Claudine, and it has lead to a lot of delicious new developments for every single one of our beloved characters. Also, Eric tries his hand at growling. Result? Excellent. Now let’s do bad things.

WAIT: Before this season started, I read a number of things about how True Blood can get back on track after Season 3. I wasn’t aware that it went off-track in S3, but apparently people weren’t as into vampire politics as I am. Too bad, fools. Russell Edginton is a genius creation. Denis O’Hare, hats off to you.

Summit has finally, finally released a The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 1 trailer (November is so far away! Hurry up and distract me, True Blood!), and it looks like Bill Condon might just pull this one off. And by "this one," I mean, "easily the most ridiculous of all the Twilight books, and that's saying something." I admire the balls-out bonkers-ness of Breaking Dawn, but you're in for a doozy. In the meantime, let's examine the evidence after the jump.

Remember last year when I was constantly distracted during the first half of the season of True Blood by Bill's sudden hotness? You know, back when he was wearing dinner jackets? Then he got back with Sookie and stopped being hot. Well, good news! I saw some new images from the upcoming season (June 26th cannot come soon enough), and Bill's hot again! Check it out for yourself:

I mean, pocket squares? It's like he's undergoing a Chuck Bass-ification. Which probably explains shit like this:

I’ve left it way too late to give you a proper recap of last Thursday’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Sun Also Rises,” but feel I must write something, so here goes: relentlessly advertizing it as the episode before the season finale, even though it focused on the season-long obsession (the sacrifice) made it pretty clear to me FROM THE JUMP that we haven’t seen the last of Klaus. If I were a betting woman, I would have split my monies thusly: the sacrifice goes according to plan (for Klaus, obvs), and he spends the next episode terrorizing everyone who tried to stop him OR the sacrifice doesn’t go according to plan, and he spends the next episode terrorizing everyone who stopped him. Instead, Klaus gets everything he wants, and we’re going to spend the next episode dealing with . . . Damon’s feelings? (More on this in a minute).

Alright, so there’s some other stuff in between. Stuff like Jenna totally dying. As much as I liked Jenna, Sara Canning was wildly underused for most of the series’ run, so it’s better for the show (and the actress, I hope) to cut its losses. A lot of her scenes in this ep, outside of the serious emotional stuff with Elena, were Vampire 101, and we’ve already been through that with Vicki and Caroline (come to think of it, why no new male vampires, show?). Again, as much as I like Jenna and Canning as Jenna, we’ve done this. Let’s move on to the good stuff, like Klaus totally ripping out Jules’ heart. Admit it: you cheered. No one liked Jules, did they?

Right, Jenna. Jenna, heartbreakingly, realizes that she’s failed Elena as her guardian (it was really more of a fail by omission, in that she never knew enough about what was happening to do a better job), so she gives protecting her ward one last effort: she sinks those brand-new vampire fangs into Greta’s neck. Unfortunately, Klaus pulls her off before she can finish the job and stakes Jenna. She dies. It’s both a devastating blow and not much of one, all things considered.

Last week’s The Vampire Diaries, “The Last Day,” proved two things: Damon is love’s bitch, and there’s little anyone can do to stop Klaus. Not that I think Elena is going to die (I’ve watched TV before, babies), but there’s no telling what the exact outcome will be. Also, the CW Rochester STILL has flippin’ sound problems during VD broadcasts. Get it together, network.

Magic Elixir Does the Body Good

The ep opens with shirtless Damon, and one of my viewing companions opines that all eps should start this way. Downstairs in front of Eternal Fireplace, Elijah is recapping the truth about the curse for Stefan and now Damon. Damon’s all about power player Bonnie, but Elena – natch – is still tweaking about her best girl dying. Damon: “I'll write her a great eulogy.”  I can only imagine! “In the months since I tried to rip Bonnie’s throat out, we developed a steamy sexual chemistry that forced us to no longer share the screen because the writers weren’t pushing a dirty, dirty vamp-witchy romance. I sure as hell thought about it, but it didn’t happen. Anyway, turns out she was cool beans. Now she’s dead. See ya, Bon-Bon! Have fun with other Bitches of Eastwick serving nature in the great beyond!”

I just watched last week’s The Vampire Diaries last night, so I don’t really have time to give “Klaus” the full recap treatment. But! I do need to talk about how the sun and the moon curse doesn’t exist because this shit is genius.

I’ll admit that I wasn’t too jazzed about a Klaus backstory ep. It seems like filler to me. I should have known better, though, because Vampire Diaries don’t play that way. “Klaus” wasn’t as action packed as “The Last Dance” or my hero “Masquerade,” but it did give us the answer we’ve all been waiting for: why the curse matters to Klaus. As an Original, he’s not bound by the sun, so what else is there? I’ll tell you what: there is no sun and moon curse. There is only one curse, it’s only on Klaus, and it’s to quell his vampire-werewolf hybrid nature. YES! He’s Scott Speedman in Underworld! Sadly not played by Scott Speedman, but still. Here’s how that goes.

Klaus and his six brothers and sisters, including ELIJAH, make up the Originals. Don’t ask me how because Elijah didn’t want to get into the specifics. Except Klaus, you see, is the product of an affair between their mother and the father of a werewolf clan (werewolves predate vampires, it turns out). A vampire-werewolf hybrid is too powerful and has no natural balance, so the servants of nature (i.e. witches, now called eco-warriors) put a curse on Klaus to limit him to vampire. Klaus seeks to break the curse because it’s all about power. It’s all about power being, of course, a conclusion I can get behind.

OH SHIT! If you watched last week’s The Vampire Dairies, “The Dinner Party,” and didn’t yell “OH SHIT!” at least once, something is wrong with you. Can you kill an Original is the question on everyone’s mind tonight, and, boy, does that question get answered. Spectacularly.  I don’t even want to say anything else, lest I give too much away before the jump, so let’s say this: Nobody, and I mean NO BODY, does sweeps like The Vampire Diaries. Show, marry me.

Jeremy and Bonnie’s Plot is Short, So Let’s Hit It

Jeremy and Bonnie are, mysteriously, in public and not off having sex after their way hot kiss last week. I don’t understand Bonnie’s resolve when it comes to that boy. Last week one of my viewing companions pointed out that something Steven R. McQueen excels at is acting just completely thunderstruck by whoever Jeremy is into that week. I concur. Luka’s all, “Hey, what did you do to me?” And Bonnie can’t very well be like, “Tapped your brain for secrets. Sorry about your sister!”, so she plays dumb. It goes over like a lead balloon, so Jeremy jumps in all, “Stay away from my woman!”

Words to live by, Stefan. Last night’s new The Vampire Dairies, “Daddy Issues,” mostly had nothing to do with Uncle Daddy (and his spiffy new ‘do) and more to do with how vampires and werewolves and can learn to be friends if they could act more like Stefan and Caroline (and dearly departed Mason, for that matter). Stefan tries for a truce, but it all goes awry when Caroline gets kidnapped. Damon bookends the episode with time in the shower and tub, and Elena wears a ponytail all episode long. Aside from a few expositionary retcons, another delightful episode from this compulsively watchable series.

When in doubt, put Damon in the shower

The camera’s lovingly worshiping Damon’s wet form in his fabulous, spacious glassed in shower with rain shower water head, and, man alive, I bet Damon designed this room himself. The camera is sadly interrupted by the heretofore unseen MASSIVE tv in Damon’s room feeding us the news about, among other things, the missing girl Damon totally murdered last week. Oops! Everyone’s watching that same thing over at Gilbert rez because they all love breakfast television. Well, Uncle Daddy does. Elena and her ponytail (!) are too busy pumping him for information about what he’s doing there. He’s saved from having to answer his daughter’s questions by Jenna’s entrance and extremely righteous anger at seeing John again. Alaric takes about ten seconds to bolts. Heh. Unfortunately, Jenna tries to tell John that he has no right, essentially, so John tells her that as Elena’s biological dad, he’s got plenty of them. At this point, my viewing companion and I get into a disagreement about having rights v. having to go to court to assert those rights, but I seem to recall that John and Jenna were co-guardians and that John just never stepped up. Anyway, pointless. John’s there because Jenna is incapable of observing who spends the night at her house.

ANGRY DISCLAIMER: I would like to put a nice bit of Damon witticism or Stefan insight in the blog post title, I really would, but my local CW’s The Vampire Diaries sound problem was completely out of control last night. With apologies to my regular viewing companions because I’ve tried not to bring it up lest it become something that drives them nuts as well, for I can keep quiet no longer. This season, there’s a little buzz-click-click to cuts into Vampire Diaries. Maybe a whir-click-click. It happens repeatedly throughout the hour, it’s only on the CW, and it’s only during Vampire Diaries. I have no idea what’s going on over at PIX 11 (WPIX, New York), but last night’s new entry, “The Descent,” featured not only the buzz-click-click in regular rotation but combined it with the SOUND CUTTING OUT ENTIRELY. Thanks for that, PIX. So, this recap comes with a warning that I may have missed something very important thanks to the incompetence of the PIX sound people.

Okay, recap time. Wait, another apology: perhaps because I was so annoyed with the sound, this episode struck me as long. Not in a “wow, look how much they can cram into an hour” way that this show usually uses to inspire awe, but in a “how is this still going on” way. Also maybe in a “Where’s Stefan?” way.

For reals this time, the recap. Last night’s episode of The Vampire Diaries, “The Descent,” started off just right with shirtless Stefan, continued on to Damon’s best Florence Nightingale routine, and reminded Elena that she’s our brave little toaster for a reason. Also, Caroline needs a break from all the kissing.

So, remember when Edward and Bella had sex? Because you can get pregnant the first time, ladies, Bella totally does with a demon baby that breaks her spine and kills her (spoiler? except that these things I am telling you are why Breaking Dawn is completely awesome. Still, loads 'o spoilers). Her unfortunately-named daughter is Renesme, a freaky vampire-human hybrid that ages rapidly and can implant her own memories in your mind with a touch of her hand. Now who wants to see that kid? Everybody? Thought so:

Apparently this is just a photo shoot with Mackenzie Foy and not in The Meadow like I originally thought. While she mysteriously appears to be a human and not the cyborg necessary for the role, I do appreciate that she, you know, doesn't look like a scary monster China doll (porcelain skin, rosy cheeks, ringlets, drinks blood), as per the book.