Art: Nina Charest

I have a friend who is deeply in love with herself. I've been friends with her for around 4 years now and when we first met I was drawn to her because of her vibrant and enthusiastic personality. She's kind, cultured and smart. Everything you could want in an ultimate friend. The thing is over the past year she broke up with her on and off again boyfriend and she's been emotionally unstable every since. To be frank....She's CRAZY... and she's been driving me crazy. I can't spend more than 15 mins on the phone with her because she'll end up ranting about her boyfriend (who I didn't really like very much in the first place). Honestly, the guy was lazy, cheated on her and mooched off of her for 3 years. So you can see why I find it hard to hear her defend him. Deep down I really think it was good that she left her. But she's convinced that he's the one.

Aside from being bitter about her last relationship, it's only been lately that I've noticed that she's also been super competitive ... bragging about her new job promotion and pointing out how much better her life is then mine. I'm not one to compete when it comes to friends -- so I sarcastically tell her that she's right. She's won at the game of life and I'm a total failure. It's just extra negative drama that I don't like to be around.

Oh she's also late for every dinner or social outing we have. One time I sat in a restaurant for an hour and a half and by the time she showed up I had already ordered and eaten my salad and was working on my main meal. I was super pissed and when pushed to see what happened she used a weak ass excuse about how the bus came late. Not to mention the other times she's showed up late without any excuse.

I'm typically patient but this chick is stretching my patience. I tried to be a good friend, by being a good sounding board. But I cringe every time I hear her bullshit excuses for why her ex was the one for her. One time, I tried to tell her the truth about how I can't handle her being late any more for our dates and she didn't even apologize and shrugged it off. She just continued making lame excuses. WTF???!!!

At this point I'm annoyed and frustrated! Like every relationship there are deal breakers- but if she's crazy, is late for absolutely everything, and  treats everything I tell her as a competitive motion don't you think I should call it quits? Would the three strikes rule apply in this case? How many chances should you give a friend?

Personally I want to dump her as a friend...but my husband says I'm taking it way too personal.  It's been two months now and I've neglected to write her or call her. She hasn't contacted me either. Should I consider this relationship over at this point? What do I do if I awkwardly run into her on the street? Do I pick up where we left things last or do I literally disappear off the face of the earth???

Signed,

KT

Dear Quits,

Back in high school, I called a friend and left her a message. Two weeks later, I realized that she hadn't called me back. Then I realized that it took me so long to notice because I didn't care. Our friendship had run its course, so no returned call was good enough for me to consider it over.

In your case, however, it's been two months, and you're still wondering because you do care. You might only care your husband says you are taking things too personally (how else do you take a friendship?), but I'd guess that you are still burning up because you feel wronged. You were wronged. It's wrong to treat someone the way your friend has treated you. It's wrong to leave people waiting, it's wrong not to apologize when that happens, it's wrong to focus every conversation on yourself, and it's wrong to treat friendships like Olympic events. Overall, your friend has been selfish and immune to your lacklustre attempts to correct her.

Here's the thing - and I want to make this clear before we go on - you are never going to get a satisfactory explanation or apology out of your so-called friend. She's never going to admit she was wrong, and she isn't going to change. So now that you've let her go, let it go.

As for what to do if/when you run into her in the street or she eventually contacts you (and she might, given how flaky she sounds), be non-committal. "Great to see you can't stop bye!" "Lovely to hear from you again crazy busy life bye!" Never say "see you," or "we should get drinks," or anything of the sort that could lead to actual plans.

Never mind the crazy or the ex-boyfriend or the one-upmanship. Ninety minutes late without a phone call or text? So not worth it.

On time,

Miss Smartypants

Got problems, friend-related or otherwise? Send 'em to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

You know that saying, "If she does it for you, she'll do it to you"? Is that true? A few weeks ago I slept with a friend of a friend who I know has a boyfriend. We ran into each other out one night and got to talking and one thing lead to another. She was all complaints about her boyfriend, what a douche he is. I'm sure she's not happy with him. We had fun, but after she just took off. I could, if I wanted to, get in touch with her again. Should I?

I Can't Stop Thinking About Her

Dear Stop,

Regardless of how she portrayed her man to you, she has no intention of leaving him for you. The rule cited above doesn't even apply here. She didn't do it "for you." She did it for her. It could have been for any number of reasons: it's her way of getting back at him for his douche behaviour;he's into cuckolding; they have an open relationship, and she finds the sympathy card fun to play. Heck, maybe she just told you that so you wouldn't try to find her again. Unless "douche" in your parlance means "abuser," try to avoid kicking open that hornet's nest. You'll get her out of your system eventually.

Walking away,

Miss Smartypants

Got problems, girl-related or otherwise? Send 'em to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

The other day at the grocery store, I passed the six pack of glass Coke bottles and thought, "Who would buy those?" The guy behind me, as it turns out. He picked up the pack, noting that he had always liked those little bottles. His shopping companion started razzing him for being so ridiculous, which was apparently so shocking that the guy dropped the pack. One of the bottles shattered. The guys looked at each other, looked at me, and put the rest of the case, now soaked through with the spilled pop, back on the shelf and scurried away. I saw them later at the checkout, and it was clear that they never said anything to anyone about the broken glass. What's the right thing to do in that situation? As a witness? As the breaker?

Bottle Drop

Dear Drop,

As a witness: tell someone in the store. It's summer and kids go with their parents to the grocery store. That's a recipe for disaster.

As the breaker: tell someone, offer to pay to replace the broken merchandise/what's left.

Truth be told, I would tell someone either way, but I can't say for sure I would admit to it if I were the breaker (a handy neutral phrase: "There is a broken bottle in aisle four"). I once had a cab driver take off after bringing me home from the grocery store with a pile of my groceries left on the curb because he shattered a litre bottle of extra virgin olive oil on the road. Would I have asked him to replace it? I doubt it. But I would have expected him to help my get my groceries to the damn porch at that point. So, no matter what, makes sure you tell someone to get that glass up out of the aisle. As for how scrupulous you feel beyond that, depends on the day, doesn't it?

Crystal clear,

Miss Smartypants

Got problems, manners-related or otherwise? Send 'em to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

How much do you really need to know about a person's ex? When my boyfriend and I started dating, he had fairly recently gotten out of a long term relationship. Aside from sharing that information with me, he hasn't brought up the ex since. Now that we've been going out a while, I'm starting to wonder what she hasn't come up more. I don't know who broke up with who or why. It's not that I'm worried I'm just a rebound or that the pattern is repeating. But I wouldn't know if there is a pattern to repeat because I just don't know anything. About any of his past relationships. I want to make this work. I just don't know what I'm working with. Is there something wrong with the fact that we haven't talked about this stuff yet? Do we need to?

What If I Am Just the Rebound?

Dear Bound,

It's not necessarily wrong that you don't spend a lot of time dwelling in the past. If all he talked about was his ex, you wouldn't like that, would you? Even so, I get why you wouldn't want to address this situation directly, but that's pretty much the only option you have. You can be a junior high girl and ask around, or you can be adult and ask him directly. You tell him that now that he's had time to get over it and now that you are getting serious, it's time to get some things out in the open. Then ask him. Try to remember that you don't need to know every detail. Quite possibly his last relationship had just run its course. Or maybe he was an abusive, cheating bastard. He probably won't open with that one. You have to prepare yourself for the reality that if you ask questions, you are going to get answers. Ones you may not like. It's like being naive enough to think that it matters how many past sexual partners your partner has had. What matters is the one he has now.

Of course, if he refuses to answer your questions, that's an answer in itself.

Full Disclosure,

Miss Smartypants

Got problems, relationship-related or otherwise? Send 'em to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

My daughter just finished an abysmal school year. She used to be a straight A student, but now her report card is cluttered with some Bs and even Cs. If she were older, like 15 or something, I would suspect drugs or the wrong crowd. But she's 10. There haven't been any major changes in her life, no divorce or sickness or death or menstruation starting (thank God). She doesn't seem to be otherwise unhealthy or unhappy. She just didn't try at school last year. What can I do to motivate her to do better next year?

Not Feeling Like an A+ Mom

Dear Mom,

First, don't beat yourself up. For the next decade your kid is going to pull crap you don't understand. It's all part of growing up. In this case, don't sit her down for a talk about how disappointed you are. Well, you can if you genuinely believe that will work, but I don't think you would have written to me if you did. Instead, find a tutoring centre or similar organization where you can get a skills assessment done. Explain very clearly that this isn't a test that she can pass or fail, so she doesn't have to worry about how long it takes or whether or not she can answer all the questions. From this, I think you will learn one of two things: 1) she was struggling in one area and deliberately did poorly in the rest of her subjects to mask this "failure" or because she felt so discouraged by it; or 2) she's not struggling at all. In the former case, you can get your daughter tutoring to bring her up to speed in that subject before the school year begins. This extra help will hopefully give her the confidence to achieve in that area next year. Be sure to make it clear to her that getting a B or a C in one subject doesn't mean that she's not smart. Some subjects are just harder than others. It happens to all of us. And if it's the latter, here's what happened: she got bored. She chafed against being forced to do things that weren't a challenge for her. You will need to speak to her next teacher about coming up with strategies that give her extra activities or work at a higher level. You may need to also find her extracurricular activities that expand her horizons. It may be something as simple as more challenging reading material for after school. No matter what, something's missing. You can figure this out and get her back on track.

Lettered,

Miss Smartypants

Got problems, scholastic or otherwise? Send 'em to Miss Smartypants: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .