Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

Every once and a while, I'll scroll through the numbers on my phone and see the name of someone I used to talk to, or type in an address in Facebook or email and have something other than what I intended pop up, and I'll wonder, whatever happened to X? I'm not talking about tracking down some old high school friends or Facebook stalking people from way back when. These are people that up until a few months ago or within the last year I used to see and spend time with, and now I just don't. Is there a time limit on how long we can go without communication before it's just too weird to try contacting someone again? What's the best way to go about reconnecting when it is appropriate?

I Can't Decide If This Was Any Easier in School

Dear Of Course It Was, You Could Pass a Note during Study Hall,

For what seemed like a long time, I was very close friends with someone. Now he lives on a different continent. He sucks at maintaining long distance relationships, so that's pretty much it for us as friends. We send each other emails every now and again, little comments on what's going on or what we're doing, but nothing substantive or approaching what we used to share. That said, if he were to ring my doorbell right now, I'd be thrilled to see him. There are those kinds of friendships: the peculiarities of time and distance may keep you apart, but the bond remains the same.

Your problem, however, is that you've just lost touch with people. First question: did you lose touch with them, they with you, or was the feeling mutual? Make sure these aren't people you accidentally (accidentally on purpose?) ignored by not returning a phone call, email, message, etc. If you did, your first order of business will, of course, be to apologize. Not profusely, but make sure it's clear that you know you dropped the ball. If they dropped the ball on you, you should probably take a minute to decide if you think they did that on purpose or accidentally. If these people are (were?) indeed your friends, you should be able to tell the difference. Now that you've narrowed the list down, you can, depending on the time lag between communications, call, compose an email, or send a card (gasp! stamps!). Let's make this the three month (call), six month (email), and nine month plus (card) rule. Do not blather on about yourself. Do not take this opportunity to simply send an update about yourself. Tell the person that you used to talk more and you've missed that. Ask what's going on with him/her. This might work, and it might not. Give a try.

And try to remember that sometimes people just drift apart when friendships have run their course. It's natural.

Check Yes or No,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

My 13-year-old son, a well-behaved, sweet boy, already has what I perceive as a strange fetish. He loves and is fascinated by latex gloves. When he was little, he would stop in front of the rubber glove display at the supermarket and just stare at the packages of dishwashing gloves. He wanted me to buy them for him, but he would never tell me why. Now that he's older, he goes online to medical supply Web sites and "shops" for rubber gloves. Recently, I found out he had been visiting glove fetish Web sites with pornographic glove pictures. I installed content filtering software to block him from being exposed to such images. He was horribly embarrassed and guilty, and he promised to give up gloves forever. Apparently, it's not so easy. He still asks me to buy latex gloves for him when we go to the drug store, and he keeps piles of them around his room. He worries that he might not be able to find a girlfriend or wife who will be interested in sharing his glove love. Should I try to stop him, or should I just chalk it up to a personality quirk and worry no longer?

-- Hand in Glove

Dear Okay, Not Really,

This question appeared in the February 25 edition of "Dear Prudence," and a few readers have asked what I think of Prudie's answer and what I would say. Much like the last time this happened, I can't say I'm impressed. Emily Yoffe is not, I believe, what our dear Roxy Munro would call "sex positive." So, Glove Fetishist's Mom, you should just chalk it up to a quirk and worry no longer. That's exactly what fetishes are (or should be, at any rate). Since you've obviously already talked to him about this, do me a favour and talk to him one more time: explain to him that it's okay to have this interest and the only important thing to remember is that he has to vary his routine to ensure that he doesn't respond to only one stimulus. As for finding a girlfriend or wife who will be interested in sharing his glove love, given that his fetish is so banal, as long as he understands how unlikely it is that he will find someone to indulge his fetish 24/7, he should be fine. Throw that into your little talk, and then never bring this up again.

As for Prudie, having a fetish is not the same as committing deviant sexual behaviour. He's not a pedophile or rapist or zoophile. He just likes to mix rubber and latex gloves his sexual behaviour. If anything, this will help make the son more comfortable with using condoms (it's like a latex glove for your dick!). He does not need therapy. He needs someone to tell him that it's okay to be different and to remember that not everyone's going to be different in the same way. He's already embarrassed and guilty that his mom knows. There's no reason to make him feel worse by sending him to a sex therapist.

Respectfully,

Miss Smartypants

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Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

For as long as I've known "Jack" and "Julie," they've been a couple. We've been part of the same social circle for about a year now, and they were a couple for at least a year before that. In the last six months or so, I've noticed a steep decline in their relationship. Basically, they fight all the time. At first when they arrived somewhere it seemed like they had been fighting or when they left it seemed like they were going to go fight. Then it grew into a heavy cloud over them whenever they were with friends, and now they're out-and-out sniping at each other in front of everyone. Obviously this makes everyone uncomfortable. I don't get why they don't just break up, since they are obviously just so unhappy. I talked to one of our mutual friends who has known them longer to see if this was something cyclical between them, but he says that Jack and Julie were never like this before. So, I guess my question is, can I say something to them? Why do people stay together when they are obviously so unhappy?

Just Break Up Already

Dear Why Indeed,

Specifically: Yes, but it depends on what you say. If you are closer to one than the other, make plans to meet up with that person. Gently tell that person, without wanting to get into gossip, that you've noticed that s/he seems unhappy lately, particularly with Jack/Julie, and you just wanted to know if s/he is okay. You may find out at this point that they are fighting about something specific: infidelity, illness, I don't know what. Then again, the person may just shift uncomfortably and pretend to not know what you're talking about. Since you've known them for a year, you probably know well enough if you should push or let it drop. Regardless of whether you get the full story, do not, I repeat, DO NOT advise them to break up. Unless you are asked for your opinion on the matter (and even then), your opinion is not desired. If Jack and Julie reconcile, telling them to break up will only drive a wedge between you. If they break up, they may decide to blame you as the instigator. Pretty much damned if you do and damned if you don't, so just stay out of it unless it's a question of abuse.

Generally: I have no idea. Some couples stay together because unhappiness works for them (because they are individually unhappy people). Some couples are too afraid to try anything new. Some couples only appear unhappy. It's next to impossible to judge from the outside.

You Don't Need the Quotation Marks; No One Thinks Those Are Their Real Names,

Miss Smartypants

Art: Nina Charest

Dear Miss Smartypants,

What's the difference between licence and license? I used to think that one was British (or Canadian) and one was American, but spell check isn't correcting either one. Are both correct? Is there any difference in usage?

Licence (license?) to spell

Dear Practice Makes Perfect,

In grade 11 math (yes, math), my teacher put something up on a board, and a student asked why he had spelt practise with an s instead of a c. Mr. Hurtle explained that one is a verb and one is a noun. It's the same here: licence, with a c, is a noun. You have a driver's licence. You need a licence to wed. License, with an s, is a verb. You are licensed to drive. You need to be licensed to wed. Licence/license, practice/practise, and advice/advise all follow the same rule. Since advice/advise is probably the one you are familiar with, try subbing them into a sentence with one of the other two and seeing which one works. You wrote to my advice column. I advised you to try substitution.

Practising perfection,

Miss Smartypants

Art: Nina Charest

The other day an old boss emailed me about a position opening up at the company where I interned a few summers ago. I don't know much about the job, and the company isn't the best fit for me, career-wise, but I'm graduating soon. Is it better for me to walk into the wrong job (at least then I'll have one) or should I at least try to find something in my field first?

One Wrong Move?

Dear Move,

Why can't you do both? First, get as much information as you can about the job: what it entails, the salary and benefits, who you would report to, contract or full time, etc. Next, determine how long after graduating you can go without a job. Six weeks? Three months? Six months? Finding a job can be difficult enough without adding in the career focus. You can tell your old boss this if you feel it necessary, but there's nothing to stop you from taking the wrong job while looking for the right one. It will keep a roof over your head and food on your table while allowing you to set aside money to help you make it through if you decide to look for a career full time. I understand why you don't want to get trapped so soon out of the gate, but you're never under any obligation to stay forever at a job you don't like. Make a contract with yourself, e.g. I will give this job six months before I start looking for something else, I will spend at least one hour an evening looking for something better suited, and so on. So long as you know what you're doing and you don't get yourself into a situation that you can't legally get yourself out of, there's no reason you can't look for something in your field with a little money in your pocket.

Checkmate,

Miss Smartypants

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